Thoughts on my 3 year old - quite long

[Kaz33]

My DS1 is 3 and a couple of months, not yet at nursery. I recently gave up work to look after him and his younger brother. Thats great and I love it. However, the nannies and kids that he used to mix with are no longer interested and although we go out all the time I have failed to provide him with a regular social life.

In the last couple of months he has started to become more violent, initially towards to his brother and most recently to other kids. This is totally out of character as he has always been reserved and peaceful.

After an incident this afternoon I had a long chat to him and he told me that he doesn't like other kids and wants to play by himself and that is why he hits them. His explanation is obviously simplistic but what I think he is saying is that he doesn't know how to play with other kids. Generally he has always gravitated towards adults and is much more interested in talking than playing football.

I can relate to him as I think that I was probably quite similar and found it difficult to make friends at school. Any thoughts on how I can help him overcome this issue ??

Kaz, my ds went through this about six months ago (he's 3y6m now). I think the same as you - he didn't know how to play very well, I've always been a sahm and while we have always gone out and done stuff, he's only ever had 2 or 3 'regular' friends. I was worried sick when he started nursery that he wouldn't fit in or know how to play, but since he started there in September he has just thrived, he's making friends and (so far) we have had no problems raised - and much better behaviour at home.

I don't know if that tells you anything or helps at all! just wanted to say that we've been there too and I think I was worrying unduly at the time. I'm sure your ds will be fine, with mine I think it was a combination of a physical stage and being a bit unsure of himself around others. It stopped me enjoying ds as much as I should have been for a time, and that makes me really sad now.

Kas33 - is putting him into a nursery/playgroup for a couple of mornings a week possible for you. Or could you join a toddler group/music/tumbletots class where there is more structure to the activities so that he gets used to other children in a more controlled environment IYSWIM!

When is he due to start proper nursery?

Is his sibling relatively new on the scene??

Don't beat yourself up - I'm sure he absolutely loves having his mummy at home

I definitely would recommend a playgroup (especially as he would get vouchers to pay for it - they are great for achieving a balance of interaction, and also concentrated play on their own. I can understand why a 3 year old gets frustrated when they're trying to do something and another child (especially a younger one) 'interferes'. I've seen it happen with ds who is a real gentle soul, but he can lash out with the best of them. He's very sociable, but sometimes plays better with other children on neutral territory (playground, swimming pool etc) where there isn't a fight over whose toy is being played with.

3 year olds are hard! I get really down sometimes about ds, but the good times are worth it!

hi there

pity the other nannies and kids are no longer interested as they were part of his structure

he needs a new one now as your looking after him ,yes look into a few nursery sessions he,s old enough for playgroup which would help

Mrsflowerpot thanks for your words - that really makes me feel so much better. I also think that he is a bit bored as he appears to be very bright and obviously having a little brother restricts the amount of attention that I can give him.

Soapox he is due to start nursery in January, though we will hopefully be moving ( if we can ever sell our flat ). He doesn't like "organised fun" such as music groups and tumbletots ( very like me now I think about it ) though he does get dragged along to one once a week.

DS2 is now a long suffering 16 month old and a very active tough little mite and increasingly fighting back. In relation to DS1 I have tried ignoring it, time out in his bedroom for the violence but still looking for a solution. The hardest thing to balance is how I discipline DS2 for hitting DS1 over the head with a truck !! DS1 is always asking me " what is going to happen if DS2 does this .....? " and I never really know the answer. That might be partly the problem - that DS1 does not see equality in the way I treat them.

Chrisz - when I was talking to him this evening we were talking about friends and he mentioned one particular boy who he used to really like. Contemplating calling his nanny up - though difficult as I had a bit of spat with my nanny (part of the reason that I gave up work) who was a friend of this boys nanny. If that makes any sense.

Maybe I'll eat some humble pie and call her, don't have a problem with that but not sure it will make any difference as somehow mums and nannies just don't seem to mix.

Are you anywhere near me (Hertford) as my 3 yr old is also in need of a wider social circle. My ds also is suffering from a new dd so I would love some new friends for him.

Debbie
please cat me if you can

If only, SW London

Where are you in SW?

Kaz, I send my DS to a playgroup for 3 mornings a week - it is full of activities and has a reasonable adult-child ratio, DS seems to have a good relationship with the adults and it is optional how well they mix with the other children, they can just play on their own if they want. IMO it's a nicer environment than state school nursery as the carer-child ratio is higher.

Another thing, if he doesn't like playing with other kids at this stage, I don't think that's unusual - IME while DS likes being around other kids, he tends to play alongside them rather than with them - and he is actually a very sociable 3yr old.

willow2 - earls court

florenceuk - very good idea, think i will investigate