What's happened to my lovely son?

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

I'm desperate for help and just don't know what to do. 8YO DS has always been an easy child. He does well at school, good friendships and a happy home life with no behavioural problems. In the last 3 weeks he's turned into a child I don't know. He's rude, argumentative and turning violent. Hes refusing to go to bad and acting appallingly at bedtime. He's screaming, throwing things and saying he hates us and hates life. Twice in the last week we've had to physically restrain him as hes trying to hurt himself and tonight he punched DP. It's taken two hours to calm him down.

I'm lost, I don't know this child and how to parent him and need help. I try to talk to him in the calm of day but he says nothing and makes lots of promises but always ends up creating issues. This week we ordered something he'd saved for but said we wouldn't pick it up unless his behaviour improved. He was much better for two days and today we got it and hes been horrible again tonight. So he's able to be good.

I feel like he's manipulating us and we're on eggshells and dreading the evenings. Hes acting like a caged animal on his knees growling at us and lashing out. Hes using language we don't use so I guess picked up from school but only just started using it.

For info he has limited screen time, no unsupervised internet access, a Nintendo switch with limited time and no online gaming. He eats well and has a balanced diet. Hes always been an early riser but until a few weeks ago has gone to bed with no issues. Bedtime is 7.30 weekdays 8 on weekends. Apologies if not relevant just wanted to give as much info as possible.
I know I need help but who from - is it GP, NSPCC? Any help very much appreciated

Bump for any advice

Hi there I may be wrong but given his age is too young for possibilities like the onslaught of puberty moodswings, and given it is quite sudden and entirely out or character for him for him I'm inclined to believe that something has happened. I'm wondering whether there are possibilities of either an isolated incident or something like bullying at school? The thing about trying to hurt himself makes me think that is a fear response, almost as if it is a cry for help and he is trying to tell you something. This may sound basic and apologies to be patronising if you've done all this but I wonder if sitting him down and asking him if something has happened, being very clear that he won't be in any trouble whatever it is, and explaining that you are worried about him may encourage him to open up?

Hi thanks for the response. We've tried to talk when calm and let him know we're worried but he only says he hates his life. As he's been at home and seen no one but us for almost three months I'm not sure what could have happened to cause this. I know it must be related to lockdown and completely understand why he's feeling sad but I can't understand the sudden violence.

We've tried talking as a family and individually but we're getting nowhere.

What about his on-line time? Does he have access to internet? Could he have seen something, been contacted by someone (sorry I know this is every parent's nightmare). Is there a way for you to check? It sounds like something traumatic happened in his life.

He doesn't have any unsupervised internet access at all. His screen time is limited and all age appropriate I.e Mario games and Lego. He doesn't ever have alone time with devices, and all devices are family ones so is easy to keep an eye on. I spoke to the GP today who put me in touch with the family health team so we have some ideas and things to work through but the general feeling is that he's anxious about the current situation. The problem is that all recommendations are things we already do. Good routine, sensible bed time, good diet, exercise and age appropriate screen time. We spend time as a family going for walks and playing games and on the surface are doing things ok.

It's hard to access help properly though as nowhere is doing face to face appointments.

A couple of things stood out,

First, is he getting enough exercise? He needs to be active 3 hours a day, at least. Are you in lockdown? Can you take him out on his bike? For a hike?

Second, his bedtime is quite early for an 8 year old. My 8 year old goes to bed at 8.15 and reads for a bit. Do you think you might be putting him to bed too early - it's Summer, could you fit in a walk after dinner with him to 'up' his exercise?

Oh, sorry, I just saw your last post, I mustn't have read it properly. It sounds like you're doing everything right. He's probably just very annoyed at being home all the time like the rest of us.

Try 'GoNoodle' on YouTube for exercise, the whole family can do it and it's quite fun. It's screen based so you won't have to bribe them or try to force them...

Does he have good friends? Has be been in touch with them?

A friend's son is left out as his friends are all on SM even though they are underage. He is not allowed access. They all seem to have unlimited, unsupervised access.

Thanks for the replies. I've tried pushing bedtime back to 8.30 but he gets really over tired and even less likely to settle easily. He absolutely would not read in his room then put his light out, he'd be up and down stairs endlessly and getting more and more agitated. Exercise wise we are walking every day weather permitting and also an after dinner walk. I'll look up go noodle as an alternative for rainy days, thanks for the recommendation.

We've tried facetime with friends but none of them really enjoy it. Some of his friends play on x box together but we don't have one and I'd be reluctant at his age even if we did. We're meeting his best friend tomorrow for a social distancing walk so I'll see how that goes. Unfortunately a lot of his friends parents are working full time so there isn't a lot of opportunity to meet up. I've reached out to our GP who put me in touch with the local Healthy Family team but I'm not sure its going to me much use. They've sent over workbooks to help with anger management but they're very young for him and I'm struggling to get him engaged with them. He'll fill it in no problem but isn't really taking it in or using the techniques it talks about so it's not helpful so far.