Boys and their behaviour - help?!! An essay!

[BundleBrent]

Hi
I am new to this - first time, be gentle!
My 6 yr old son behaves wonderfully at home, sport clubs, parties. He seems no different to any other child (albeit the running/jumping/shouting kind). But I am at the end of my tether with school who constantly want meetings to discuss his disruptive and aggressive behaviour. I've sought medical advice which seemed to be if he can behave in some settings it's probably not any condition - but I am starting to dread collecting from school each night - the call over to the teacher.
If this sounds familiar to anyone shout up. (We have moved to a new school fairly recently but did have this problem before, so I know it's not the school.

Thanks for that law. Most of the time DS is brilliant at home. We do have blips though. Our problem seems to be at school. Not all the time although like the op i do dread the waiting for him to come out of school incase i get called in. DS knows he should walk away and tell a teacher if he has been pushed kicked etc. It just doesn't happen and he retaliates. In yesterdays (See post further down,) violently. Yet ask him about school and he'll tell you everyone is his friend. (even though i know some parents have told their DC to stay away from my DS)

sixer - no problem, my parenting skills are crap, bad upbringing no role models etc, have to learn everything from a book, i try things, if they work, stick to them, if not another one for the scrap heap!!!Still what makes us all good parents is the fact we are trying to do better.

That pisses me off when school keep calling you in, i know they have to inform you, but they never offer any plans or actions they plan to take, its usually to tell you how shocked they are, how naughty your kid is and oh what a bad parent you must be!!

sixer - i have lots of info from my books, if you need any lol no good me telling you what works for me, might not work for you.

law - we'll see. We have to go to see the head on monday. I am still so shocked what my DS did to the other boy. I think i'll agree to anything. Hoping that is, they have some idea how to help. What is SENCO?

Special Educational Needs Coordinator. Im sure they must have strageries, i would hope they do.

Obviously your ds knows your more than a little disappointed with his behaviour, have you spoken to him about consequences for the future or are you still in shock poor thing?

I think you might need to explore a few avenues here. If the behaviour only happens in school,then firstly I think it would be very helpful to talk to the teacher about how your DS is doing academically. It is very common for children who are struggling to behave inappropriately as a way of avoiding doing activities they find hard. Being asked to do work that is too hard can create feelings of frustration and anxiety and poor behaviour is often the outcome. I would try to get the school to analyse the behaviour for you, for example, where it happens (in the classroom or playground, when sitting next to X), and when it happens (when asked to do writing but not maths etc). This will give you some pointers as to what might be the triggers and so you can start to make a plan about what to do about it. What about his language skills? Are you sure that he can understand the language used in the classroom? This is not always obvious as children can seem to function quite well by using visual cues (e.g. everyone else is standing up so I will stand up too) However, if he does have difficulty with understanding language, he may find it difficult following instructions and understand the lessons. It may also be helpful to consider if he has difficulties remembering instructions. Also I would consider getting his sight and hearing checked, just in case.

If the school is really concerned, I would push to get him seen by an educational psychologist who hopefully would be able to investigate some of the issues a bit more thoroughly and help the school come up with a plan of how to support him.

Also might be helpful suggesting school send "good news" to you on a regular basis instead of just the bad stuff. You can then use this as a way of emphasising thing that have gone right with your DS. It's important that he doesn't start thinking of himself as the "naughty boy" or it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Good luck with it all.

Thanks for all these tips, it is so good to know I am not alone in this. Sixer - perhaps our boys haven't yet learned boundries. I think school try to be positive but other children I think are now winding him up as they know he's easy! Teachers don't like him - trouble and he picks up on that. He is behind in reading/writing - although I think he is clever enough at principles.

Agree that part of the problem may be lack of confidence with writing. DS1 refused to attempt writing in reception, slightly different in that he resorted to tears, as opposed to behaviour. He couldn't hold the pencil properly and his friend was good at writing so these things didin't help. For a short while he was given a different activity and then the teacher gave him some one-to-one time to get him started. This has really helped.

Also agree re negative and positive reward. Friend's DS has been playing up but the only time the teacher speaks directly to him is to tell him off. Not ideal. Can the teacher introduce a sticker chart or something?

we've just had our chat with the head. DS was asked what he thinks he should do if he feels he's getting angry. (This anger only evers comes on during play times, and has always been a result of another child hurting DS). Same old, same old and what we've been teaching our DS. Walk away, tell an adult. Head added deep breathing, let anger pass you by, step back, and think of it as going over your head. So, we ride with it until the next event. not very posititive i know, however we've all been saying the same things since starting reception a year ago. School will be asking DS to take good work to show the head, will be watching carefully at play times and want us to ask on a daily basis for an up-date. Reading writing and academically he's up there, doing really well. He is a clever little chappie when he's not giddy. (which i think is normal behavior for his age, giddyness that is.) Hearing and sight have all been checked recently, no problems there. It really is his social skills and has been since he could walk and started toddler groups. The teacher does have a sticker system in the class, however the DC who don't have any blips get all the stickers, because they are 'good'. The DC who have issues not so many. So Little Jonny 'has stickers all along mummy. I only have 3' I remind DS every day to work towards getting stickers then i too will reward him with a special treat.