How to stop this? - 11 months old has to be entertained at meals

[Ohlife2020]

It started when he was about 10 months old. DH firstly didn't believe he was really purposely clamping his mouth if no entertainment. But it became obvious gradually that he DOES mean the condition of cooperating is to have "properly interesting toys/books" in his hands.

Two months on, it's reaching to this stage where I would have to go through 8-10 toys/books to bribe him finish each meal. The problem is getting worse due to the lockdown. He's been with his toys/books everyday all days for so long, I can barely entertain him to his standard now. I don't think this is normal, but don't know how to break the habit.

We tried today feeding him without giving toys. We tried "talk" to him, put him down when he resisted eating without toy but giving no cuddles. He cried and cried, just wouldn't give in. So we ended up back to how it usually is.

Any suggestion? He's spoon fed. I'm really not into BLF.

I forgot to say, when he played enough with a toy, he would just drop it on the floor. Unless a new toy that "he approves" is offered again, his lips would remain glued up.

Oh dear, it is crazy what we end up doing isn't it. Good thing is you realised you will soon need a whole circus at home in order for him to eat a carrot, so how do you get out of your own-made hole.

You change everything. The setting, the players, the location, even the time, wait 30 min longer so he is hungry (and don't give anything in the 2 hours prior not even a bite of cheese, a sip of juice, only water) .
He usually eats in the kitchen with you sitting in front of him, you transfer the high chair to the dinning table and you all sit down for family meals, in which you and your DH eat your meals with him. Thanks to lockdown, this is doable.

No toys, no car, no books, no funny faces, no stories, and NO SCREENS! (I know you are not there yet, but that/s the next step). One of you will sit next to him at the table and you alternate between feeding him and feeding yourself. You don't talk about the food, you don't put your attention in him, but you have your usual conversation of which he is a part of course, but not the main topic.

Chances are he will express his disappointment of having lost his favourite show. No big deal, stay calm, talk to the other adult, talk to him, and repeat for the days necessary. To make it easier, prepare his favourite.

And concerning the talking, we French, don't talk much, we tell. He is not even 12 months, he can't understand, just be determined, kind, calm, now it is time to have lunch , let's sit together.

You didn't;t get there in 4 days, you won't get out of out in 4 days, but maybe 5 or 6 . As long as you persevere and it is like the game of snake and ladder, you give in once, you are back at square one.

@LeGrandBleu, thank you for the response. It offered some hope to me.

My problem is if for a toddler, they would make connection of eating and being hungry and they are probably also more resilient if miss one meal or even two. I'm just not sure for his age, is it ok to miss meals.

We tried again today. He didn't eat at all for breakfast because of no toy offered to play with. For lunch, he had it in kitchen for a change of scene. He was obviously hungry. So he finished 3/4 of his usual portion without a toy in hand. But that said, I suspect he was a bit entertained with the new experience (eating in kitchen). So he was probably a bit distract/amused by that. Then for dinner, just now it went down hill 3 minutes in after he filled his tummy and no more hunger was felt. I persisted, in the end, he just clamped his mouth shut and left nearly half of his usual amount of food in plate. He spat out anything went in his mouth or knocked it away. Sigh...I'm afraid I'm dealing with a strong willed child.

As said above, I'm not sure 1) How many meals he can miss without affect him physically at near 12 months old; 2) How long we shall keep trying to feed him during one meal (30 minutes? one hour?); 3) When he started with a hungry tummy, he would slow down and eventually refuse to eat once the first few spoons go in his tummy that make him feel no more hunger. At that point of time, do we just persist even if he doesn't eat any more in the end?

I am French, and for us weaning is not only about moving away from the bottle to solid, it is transitioning to the big table, so manners are part of it, not only the flavours and texture. We introduce cutlery almost immediately and if you go in any childcare centre at lunch you will see tables and tables of toddlers as young as 14 months eating alone with their forks without the assistance of an adult.

As long as you are giving him nutritious and delicious food, and not falling into the trap of giving him processed snack - even with healthy labels - having half his meal won't affect him phisically.
It's all part of education, and meals is complicated because it plays with out instinct. But in a sense artificially feeding beyond the pangs of hunger goes agains his instinct. Hunger is a feeling that builds up and in active babies once it is placated , they are good to go because that's what most animals do. It is up to you, to create an habit of food at certain times in a determined settings.

Tomorrow, let him be part of the preparation. While you prepare his lunch , say a risotto, or whatever you are doing, have him nearby, pick up the ingredient from the fridge/pantry together, collect the pan, start chopping, and hunger will be stimulated by the noise and smells. When it is ready, serve yourself a small portion and a portion for him.
Give him a small spoon or a dessert fork and help him stab a piece of fish or meat or omelette.

Meals in France take a long time. But as we eat together, babies at the table even if they have already eaten, it doesn't seem long.
When feeding a toddler, when he is done, good, you clean up and kitchen cupboards stay close until the next meal.

You are correcting an habit and teaching him a skill. It is fine to give him something in his hands to explore, such as a whisk from the utensils drawer, while eating, but that's different than creating a story and show and reading 8 books.

Children have their own personality and ideas. Sometimes - very often - their wishes clash with ours or what is expected of them. You teach from a young age, what and how can be done their way and what and how cannot. Can be the food without entertainment , the seat belt, the junk food at their eyes level at the supermarket .....

Someday, after lockdown madness, you will want to meet up with friends in a cafe or picnic, and talk to them instead of producing a show.

You had success today : 2 out of 3 meals went well. When to comes to babies and children, magic doesn't happen overnight.

When he started with a hungry tummy, he would slow down and eventually refuse to eat once the first few spoons go in his tummy that make him feel no more hunger.

So stop when he stops.

It is your job to make a balanced and palatable diet available to him and his to decide which food from that selection to eat.

If he eats until he is hungry and then stops at one meal, he will eat for longer at the next one.

The very last thing you need to be doing is getting to the point where he clamps his mouth shut. You need to wait for him to indicate that he wants the food. If he isn't up for it, you don't offer it.

change how you think about food for him. Assuming he is neurotypical, he will eat when he is hungry. Food is a great deal more attractive when you are hungry. When he is no longer hungry, he should stop eating. That will help him maintain a health relationship with food as an adult.

Please don't ever try to persude him to eat something again, with the exception of medication of course.

@LeGrandBleu, thank you for the golden words. Every word is taken. We will reflect how to have this philosophy adopted in our daily life! You made it sound like arts!

@Poppinjay, thank you for reminding me of this. Where I grew up, adults have placed too much pressure on how much a child shall eat. That mentality obviously created the stress I fell into. Thank you.

@Ohlife2020 Luckily for you, you realised this wouldn't work early on when you can still change an habit. Waiting until he was 2, would have been way harder.

Parenting is an experience unique to a family. What works for one might not work for another and sometimes even between siblings.
If my suggestions might help you find a way to make meals times a bit different great, if they make it harder or more stressful, don't hesitate in binning them.

The golden rule in parenting is listen to everyone's advice and do as you please. Nobody has the right answer for everybody or everything.

How's it going, OP?

We got into this trap and only got out of it when our toddker was 3 years 3 months. But we did get out of it just by stopping doing it. He did go hungry a few meals, but soon learnt!

2 yrs 3 months