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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I toughen up my kind and tender 5 year old son? A bit long...

21 replies

Victoria72 · 19/09/2007 14:19

The other day at gymnastics, my husband witnessed my son being pushed by an older boy. He pushed him to the ground twice and then grabbed hold of his nose and shoved him away. My 5 year old son did nothing to retaliate. He simply stood up and waited for his turn on the apparatus. When I asked him about it later and why he had not pushed back, he said "Oh, I don't mind, I just want to be kind." My son is a lovely and kind child and never initiates a fight but when I see other kids pushing him around and he does nothing, it really upsets me. My husband and I are now telling him that he has to push/hit/kick back as and when these things happen. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do but I don't want him to end up being bullied because he's 'too nice'. A part of the problem is that he's worried about the teacher telling him off. I've told him that I used to get told off when I was little for different things and that it's not the end of the world but it really seems to bother him.

Any ideas/sugggestions as to what I can do/say to him to get him to stand up for himself and, if necessary, fight back?

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FrannyandZooey · 19/09/2007 14:29

Your ds did the right thing IMO. It isn't right to push people, even if they have pushed you first.

moljam · 19/09/2007 14:32

you want to teach your child to hit back?i think your ds sounds like a wonderful little boy-teaching him to be violent or as you said 'toughen up' isnt the answer.

Original poster

Victoria72 · 19/09/2007 14:34

So what is the answer? Just to let people push and shove him all time and he just takes it? I'm not sure that's productive to his self-esteem or development. He'll just end up being a soft touch.

OP posts:

RosaLuxembourg · 19/09/2007 14:34

Your son is right. Don't teach him to hit back, what does that solve? Teach him to say stop, to walk away, to tell an adult. You are lucky to have a lovely, gentle boy, you should be cherishing those qualities instead of trying to 'toughen him up'.

Piffle · 19/09/2007 14:35

victoria my son is now 13 and has always bene like this
He has had black eyes, broken nose and broken arm
My advice is not to teach him to fight but you must teach him to defend himself, kids can sniff a victim (sorry for terminology but I speak from cycnical experience) from miles away

Karate and Judo and Aikido are very good for improving boys self esteeem and will also provide him with some useful skills as he gets older

My ds also takes everything to heart, it is just tough really, we deal with it on a one to one basis as and when it occurs, his sense of social justice is immense and utopic.
Sadly - as a grown woman we bemoan the lack of sensitive and kind men. Don't change him just help him out a little

majorstress · 19/09/2007 14:38

A 5 year old boy ought to be a soft touch, in an ideal world. He WILL get in trouble at school for hitting back, and most people would agree that he should (I'm personally not 100% in that camp, it depends on the situation-it's just what I have seen are the rules at our school). He's supposed to rat on the kid that hit him, instead.

pagwatch · 19/09/2007 14:39

Don't tell him to do things against his nature because he still won't do it and then when he can't retaliate he will feel he has let you down.
My DS is kind and lovely and I used to worry about him but he is 15 now and it is fine. Kids don't hit other kids because they are too nice - they often pick on the ones who don't have self confidence and if you are telling him to be rough when he cannot you will make him feel useless - exactly the opposite of what you want.
Tell him people who hit are rude and mean and he will be fine.
If it helps... having never stuck up for himself physically my son has loads of friends who would round on anyone who was mean to him. And he has developed a strong sense of what is right. He actually hit a kid at school last year for the first time when that boy called his brother ( DS2) a "retard", DS2 has autism. Smacked the other boy to the floor and made his nose bleed. whilst we were hardly proud I was at least comforted that he really does just choose to control himself which is admirable.
Do everything you can to give DS confidence and he is less likely to be victimized.

FrannyandZooey · 19/09/2007 14:39

I would teach him to say loudly "DON'T PUSH!" and to get help from an adult if it continues.

If someone hit you in the street would you start brawling with them?

majorstress · 19/09/2007 14:39

there's no mention of the conseuqnces for ratting either.

Hattie05 · 19/09/2007 14:41

Instead of teaching him to push back. I would teach him how to loudly say " no i do not want you to do that" And if the other child does not stop, tell your son he must tell an adult.

FrannyandZooey · 19/09/2007 14:42

Some people can't hit back, you know. I went to self-defence classes once and had to leave because it was so violent. I couldn't even think about it let alone do it. I have developed other strategies to use if I am being picked on or whatever - words being one of them.

Chickhick · 19/09/2007 14:45

Agree with Franny & Hattie.

moljam · 19/09/2007 14:46

why did you start another identical thread?(just interested)

Hulababy · 19/09/2007 14:48

Your son is right. Retaliating physically is not the answer, and infact could end up getting him into trouble especially at school.

I would teach your son to just say very loudly "No, don't do that, it isn't kind/nice." And if it continues to tell you son to make sure a teacher or instructor is aware so that they can reinforce the message.

Would you be as concerned if your child was a girl and reacting in this way?

He sounds lovely BTW

Kewcumber · 19/09/2007 14:52

he's 5 he shouldn't be expected to fight back - thats why adults need to supervise 5 yr olds.

You can be assertive without being agressive. If he is getting picked on when he is older then I would teach him about standing his ground but not to push back.

TellusMater · 19/09/2007 14:52

I have had to tell my ds to do the opposite, as he is tall, strong and might do some damage. It isn't just bigger children who do the shoving, and teaching a child to hit back can lead to problems IMO.

majorstress · 19/09/2007 14:53

my dd1 is like this, and I am a bit concerned, and I would be more concerned if she was a boy to be truthful, even though it is unfair.

Original poster

Victoria72 · 19/09/2007 15:12

You are all of course very correct. It goes against everything I believe in to teach him to hit back but I was so angry I didn't know what to tell him. He seems very reluctant to retaliate and I do think that's a good quality. I will tell him that next time he is to shout "don't push me" and if it persists, to tell a teacher. He does go to karate and so does have confidence but he simply chooses not to retaliate with violence/aggression - what a clever boy.

He is a lovely boy and has just got himself a younger brother (4 weeks) and he totally dotes on him and I wouldn't want to change his character just because I was so furious. He's my beautiful boy and I really don't want to change him.

Thank you all very much for your advice. I just needed to be put in my place!

OP posts:

Original poster

Victoria72 · 19/09/2007 15:14

PS - Pagwatch - thank you for your wonderful advice, it's made me completely rethink.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 19/09/2007 15:37

I think we should be raising our sons to be men who don't even think of using violence to deal with their problems. Your ds sounds lovely.

Kewcumber · 19/09/2007 16:24

btw I do think it is absolutely normal for you to feel angry and aggressive on behalf of your son. But our job as parents is to teach them life skills and whilst standing up for yourself is a valuable skill, bashing other people is not.

Agree with everyne else that your DS sounds lovely.

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