A problem for an Educational Psychologist?

[LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]

I'm worried about DS 1 (aged 4.5), and I'm wondering if he needs some sort of assessment or if he is reacting to a lot of unavoidable upheaval.

His behavioural problems mainly stem from not listening. He is almost always off in his own little world and I am tired of the sound of my own voice constantly repeating myself. Other issues are; arguing/talking back, interupting, repeating the last few words/sentences one of us says (usually in an incredulous tone), ignoring explicit instructions (stopping before crossing a road). He is always, always talking/making noise, and has a tendency to mither.

We don't give him much sugar (maybe fruit crumble once or twice a week with no sugar in the fruit). He doesn't have sweets, rarely has chocolate and no soft/fizzy drinks. He gets plenty of sleep and usually walks 2 miles a day with me.

He's very bright and has learned to read during lockdown. Nursery has just started back and they've never had concerns.

The upheaval has been 2 house moves, 2 new nurseries, DH (Dad) working away, new baby brother 6 months ago and now coronavirus and lockdown.

We try to be very consistent, give him a plan of the day, not too much screen time, periods of 1 to 1 attention (I am bf so it's a bit difficult), a mood board, and we always follow through with punishments (usually going to his room for 10 mins).

I don't know if this is normal for a 4 year old who's had a rough year or if we should look to find an Ed Psych when he starts school. I read so many awful things on the Stately Homes board and I don't want to mess things up by missing SEN and parenting him incorrectly.

TLDR: argumentative 4 year old doesn't listen - SEN or normal?

Sorry for the mega long post but I don't want to drip feed!

I think I would be very reassured by the fact he is in Nursery and they have never had any concerns.
They deal with children of the same age all day every day, over many years, and tend to pick up on concerns about development.

It does sound like there have been a lot of changes in his life.
It might just be your posting style, but - only from what you've posted - it does sound as if you might have very high expectations of him ?
there's not really anything in what you've posted that would make me concerned about his development, and definitely nothing that would instigate a referral to an EP.
Unless there is a LOT more you've not posted ?

The behaviour you describe wouldn’t really ring many alarm bells for me - bright children often have their own ideas about things and don’t listen! Some children are more hard work than others. My DD now 15 was clever, argumentative and prone to tantrums. As she got older, no problems in school, still quite strong willed but funny, good company, very academic and no major problems. He really is very, very young still. I say this as someone who has older teenagers but also a 3 nearly 4 year old. I’d try go to just ignore or even laugh off some of the lower level behaviour (Obviously not anything dangerous like not stopping at roads which needs swift intervention) and not get into a pattern of confrontation about it. I’m sure you give loads of praise anyway. Sorry if that is rubbish advice but my main learning point over the years has been not to sweat small issues like I did with my eldest son when he was little and I have found parenting much more enjoyable with the younger ones - examples would be don’t want to wear coat, we don’t; doesn’t eat his tea - fine no fuss but no treats offered after etc.

@BackforGood that's a fair point - I watched so pretty awful behaviour from younger relatives as I was growing up and I may have over compensated.

@Pebstk I'm relieved to think you and @BackforGood think this is relatively normal. Thanks both for posting.

My four year old sounds very similar to yours. Only difference is he is nowhere near teaching himself to read (I'm proud that he can write his name!) and he is pretty good at stopping at roads. Obviously the latter point is a safety concern so I'd have a serious eye level chat about it next time your DS doesn't stop, but other than that I can't see much in your concerns.

@tempnamechange98765 thanks! He didn't teach himself to read - we decided to do it as a lockdown project! EBay are still selling the complete Peter & Jane series. It has made me doubly amazed at how anyone teaches primary - I am running out of ways to explain diagraphs...