Violent 3 year old boy

[Intimissimi]

My son has just turned three and I am at the end of my rope with him.
So much so, I don't want to be around him anymore.

He has always been a strong willed, stubborn, very impulsive boy but recently, when he doesn't get his own way, his tantrums turn into a complete loss of control.

The trigger is usually being made to do something he doesnt want to do like tonight, he had a bath and didnt want to get out. He was given two 5 min reminders that his time was up and when the time ran out, he goes crazy at me pulling the plug out.
He was slapping and scratching my arm while he is screaming so much, I am surprised he doesnt make himself sick. I tried to walk away from him and he follows me, attacking me by head butting and biting my legs while trying to push me back in to the bathroom.

Long story short, this descends in to him grabbing anything he can find, smashing the bathroom up and whacking me with it. I try to restrain him in a towel but he is kicking me in the stomach and he is surprisingly strong.
I have him on my bed, trying to hold his arms to stop him hurting me. I'm disgusted with myself because I have hit him back when he threw a book in my face. He has marks on his upper arms where I have been holding him away from me but nothing I say or do calms him down, he just eventually runs out of steam but this lasted over 40 mins this evening.

I have tried everything from taking away privileges, natural consequences- he doesnt have his stories at bed if he doesnt get out as there isnt any time left, I have tried walking away and I have tried time out.
His dad and I are both working from home while trying to entertain him at the moment.
He has no other siblings.
When he is attacking me, he totally loses control, so much so that he doesnt even look like my boy anymore.
I'm looking him in the eyes trying to talk to him and he just doesnt care about anything other than trying to hurt me and he even ran at me with a book to hit me, caught his head on the corner of my chest of drawers and didn't even flinch. It was like the anger had taken over his body and he didnt even feel the pain.
This is just one example and it isnt a one off and it becoming more regular. He doesn't listen very well at the best of times and it seems we are always at a battle of wills anytime I ask him to do something.

I dont know what to do anymore. At worst, I just dont want to be here anymore and at best I want to run away.
He is like this with the both of us but I am less likely to give in to his demands so j get the brunt of the violence.
I have failed him miserably and I don't want him to go back to nursery in june and be violent to the staff or the children. He deserves a mother who is kinder and calmer to him because I cannot keep my cool.

He is now fast asleep in my bed while I am crying next to him, feeling like I dont even want to wake up in the morning because I will have to deal with this all over again.

Please does anyone have any advice because I dont think I can take anymore.

When you tried time out, how long were the time outs? What were the privileges taken? Could you for example other than things to meet his basic needs (food,safety etc) completely ignore him for an extended period of time? Do you let him see you cry?

Time outs were 2 mins until recently now they are 3 mins. I try my best to ignore but he follows me, attacking constantly. He has split my eyebrow throwing a book at me last night.
Privileges are normally his favourite toys, programs or tablet time recently as he had one given to him for his birthday.
Nothing works as he literally cares about nothing.
Yes he sees me cry all the time sadly.

Maybe look up therapeutic parenting in case there's anything useful for you. This involves a lot of love, listening, and empathising instead of punishment. If the behaviours are rooted in frustration at not feeling understood it could help.

And maybe remove anything from his room he can throw, and pack away all your books back into boxes in the garage, and reinstall any baby proofing you used to have to stop him from opening cupboards and finding things to throw or hit with. You might have to lead a very Spartan life for the foreseeable future :-(

What was your DH doing during all this?

What was your DH doing during all this?

The same as me. He was the one to get him out of the bath. We like to take it in turns to be attacked.

I will look up therapeutic parenting, thank you.
It seems to be frustration and feeling like he isn't in control but he wants to do what he likes all the time and sadly that isnt possible.
I will pack up as much as possible but he is quite resourceful in what he chooses as a weapon. Last week he took his shoe off to beat me with it. Last night he smashed the bathroom bin around the bathroom.
He has also ripped the stair gate off before.
I just would like to know whether it's me that causes his behaviour or there is something underlying.

Have you tried giving him a choice? Like saying "when we get out the bath soon we are going to read a book.... Which book do you want to read? Kind of like giving him an option but not at the same time?

Just a suggestion not sure if it will help

Hitchyhero

Thanks, choices do help. We try to give choices but could do it more for sure. Last night, the choice was bath and 2 stories or shower and 5 stories. He chose bath and still didnt want to get out and all the hoohaa meant he had zero stories. Today has been better although there was an escalating meltdown about 10 mins ago where he didnt want to go to bed but, we did the completely ignoring tactic and he is upstairs now, finally stopped screaming, getting ready for bed, speaking to his dad like he is still disproportionately cross with him but, no violence. It's so hard to try and ignore when you're being hit and scratched though

💐 for you OP, that sounds really tough.

What is his language like? Perhaps he is frustrated at not being able to communicate as he wants? Would signing/makaton help?

Could he be in pain at all? Really random, but my cousin was like this as a child. Turned out he had nodules/nodes(? Sorry, can't remember exactly what they're called) up his nose. The nodules were keeping him awake at night, making him ratty, angry and violent. He was diagnosed with them about age 6 or 7. He had them removed and everyone says it was like they'd brought a different boy home from the hospital. He is in his 40s now and the most mild mannered, calm person you can imagine.

Oh @Intimissimi I am so sorry :( you sound like the most caring and affectionate parent and it seems you are doing anything in your power to help your son.

I was thinking for this one example: He chose bath and still didnt want to get out what would happen if you left him in the bath? Until the water is stone cold. You just either sit there or sit behind the door and just gently remind him you are waiting for him to get out.

Sadly for the other things I cannot say, but I have a brother who was very much the same and he grew out of it. He was never violent against his parents, just against other people/things. (disclaimer - he had great fear and respect of his parents as we grew up in a Spartan home). [we both love our parents and bring up our kids in a totally different ways, just in case anyone was wondering :) ]

It seems very unlikely that the problem is your parenting.

It sounds like the episodes you are talking about are meltdowns, rather than tantrums. Meltdowns are a loss of control and not driven by conscious decisions. During them, the child is often unable to process language or make rational decisions so it's better not to attempt to communicate verbally at that point.

Meltdowns also have long recovery times during which it is easy to trigger them again so try to keep things calm for at least 40 minutes afterwards.

Try not to punish meltdowns but natural consequences are important without blame.

You might also have some success with keeping to a regular routine, and being quite selective about the choices you give him. They need to be more immediate and simpler. He won't hear shower and 5 stories or bath and 3. He will just hear bath or shower at his age.

Try to set a number of stories that happen at bedtime and stick to that whatever. If routine is reassuring to him, losing his story could make everything a lot harder for him and you.

Try to keep a diary or mental note of the kind of situations that trigger his anger and upset. Writing things down often helps you make connections you might not otherwise make.