please help, my 2.4 yr boy is fighting me with everything

[dollydelicious]

Hi, thanks for reading. This is my first post and i am writing this in tears. My son means the whold world to me but has become so difficult I don't know what to do. He is our only son, has a secure home life and eats a great diet. Yet he struggles and fights me with EVERYTHING from getting changed to sitting in the car seat to sitting in pushchair to holding hands when out walking and its like he doesn't understand "no" but is pretty smart and advanced in so many other ways. This is probably no different to other mothers' situations but I need some advice on how to punish him. Been using time out in his bedroom, which the threat works but feel like a scratched record as I'm constantly having to threaten this. My husband took him out for a walk this afternoon and trying to get down stairs with dogs aswell let his hand go and he ran straight into the road and I am petrified he's going to get hurt, this is why I am in tears. Ended up shouting at husband for letting go of his hand but realistically we have to for a few seconds. He's so energetic I can't keep up and feeling like I'm doing something wrong. He gets alot of attention from me, could this be the result. I thought it would make him a good kid.

Sounds like the terrible twos to me! It also sounds like you are doing the right thing giving him plenty of attention when he is being good.

I'm sure he understands no but just doesn't want to hear it.

Personally I don't think punishment/time out is effective at this age. They live so much in the present at this age that they won't remember what happened last time they didn't cooperate.

It is really scarey when the run off. Have you tried using reins when you are walking the dogs at the same time?

My other suggestion is letting him do things his way as much as possible. DD at this age resisted a lot of things unless she could do it herself. Eg she would not be put in a car seat but would climb in by first standing on the ordinary back seat.

A useful bit of the toddler taming book explains that toddlers crave attention above everything. If they can't get grade A attention they'll settle for grade B, etc etc to the point where any attention is better than nothing. If a behaviour gets them parental attention they'll keep doing it.

Had similar struggles with dd - we started using punishment - time out etc and she just got worse and worse. So DH & I had a rethink and started using rewards - mainly happy face stickers every time she is good - eg lying quietly for nappy chnages etc and she has improved dramatically. Makes life a lot less stressful too. We still use time out from time to time but it has more of an impact.

HTH, it was very hard as dd went from angel to demon all of a sudden & initially we couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong, why she was doing it etc.

Hi
Sorry you are having such a tough time with him.
I agree with liath (hey I still want to know the origin of your nickname - remember I explained why a few months back?!)
Ds has been really quite good for a 2 year old but took a turn for the worse last week. We introduced time out and frankly I can so tell he is being worse to get a rise.
So example: time out was for screaming. If he screamed we warned him then he'd get time out.
He started screaming more as soon as I said you'll get time out.

We then decided to drop time out and go back to what we were doing before - ignoring bad behaviour and rewarding good. Lo and behold the next time he screamed I said 'if you do that I will ignore you' (I don't want him to confuse me being busy with ignoring as a punishment) and then did until he stopped and it has worked way better.

Now I've dropped the time out he has definitely been behaving better....not sure how long it will last though!

p.s. just having a strategy for dealing with bad behaviour I think makes you feel calmer and more in control.
So if you and dh sit down and decide e.g. if ds does x, we will do y.

We have grade A bad behaviour (really naughty stuff that can't be ignore to be honest - with this we tell him off firmly but calmly but not making a massive fuss, or take a toy that has been thrown away)
and grade B minor stuff (e.g. screaming, standing on the sofa) which we actually say 'we 're going to ignore you, when you stop we will play again etc.
HTH?

Remember that toddlers have to push the boundaries. It's vital to their development. If they gave up every time they encountered an obstacle they wouldn't learn new things. (copyright someone on MN I can't remember).

Mine is 2.4 too, and time out etc. just wouldn't 'work'. He's bright but he's two - they don't get the concept. He's at the stage where he enjoys saying 'no' and seeing how far he can go. We use, if at all, a consequence that is very directly linked to whatever he is doing/not doing. For example: he throws some of his books on the floor. It's very important to me that he learns to respect books. So I tell him we don't do that and ask him to pick them up. He refuses. I make it clear I will not be playing with/reading to him (he loves few things more than being read to) until he does. After a couple more refusals he eventually does it.

With getting-changed and sitting-in-pushchair issues, I try to capture his attention before it turns into a full-blown battle e.g. 'what's that picture on your T-shirt? what colour is it?' etc. etc. Or I engage his help - 'will you go and get your clohes for me, please?' - or appeal to his pride in doing things himself - 'show me how well you can climb into the buggy'. It usually works.

You've been given some great advice here dolly. I'm sorry you are feeling so upset by it at the moment. I just wanted to reassure you that it does sound like the healthy/infuriating terrible 2's that we all suffer. It's hard really hard isn't it! But there is an end to it, just as soon as your son has developed his language, and finished all his trial and error experiments !!

I remember being worried that i was spoiling dd by 'giving in' to lots of these things rather than ending up in a battle with her. But i really don't think that has anything to do with it. I think the key is to ask yourself - is what he is doing going to cause anyone any harm? Obviously the running into roads is and the harness is a good suggestion. But if there are other battles around the home less serious, just turn a blind eye as much as you can. My dd had issues with clothes, at one stage she would only wear one pair of stripey trousers. She would scream and refuse to put any other clothes on to the point i would walk out the room. She would then go down the laundry bin and find the dirty pair of trousers she wanted to wear. I just learnt to put up with this sort of thing, and very quickly she'd forget about those trousers anyway. I think the longer i fought her over it the longer the battle went on iykwim.

Another thing was stealing food from cupboards if i'd say she was not to have any. I turned a blind eye and let her stuff herself silly a few times and now she's not too keen on junk food at all!

You are not alone and your angelic son will return soon

Hi Dolly, i think all kids go through this, my ds 3.6, seemed to have missed the terrible twos but started at 3!! Your giving him lots of positive attention, thats a good thing, dont stop.

I only use time out as a last resort for the more serious stuff, ie hitting, throwing things at people etc. i use the step, so i can still see him, my older boys go to their rooms.

Avoid confrontations whenever possible, try to turn the everyday things into a game, instead of a battle of the wills. Distraction, tickling, racing etc, etc.

Agree with boo64 it's good to sit down with dh and have a chat about strategies then you can both parent consistently and have a plan of what to do in particular circumstances.

boo - the name is after I cat I owned years ago who was grey. We were going through a phase of giving pets gaelic names after my Dad & I started going to Scots Gaelic classes! Didn't you have a pet called liath too IIRC?

How are you doing dollydelicious?