Have left 2yr old DS at nursery sobbing AGAIN - it's getting worse, not better, and all since he started the bigger class... help, before I start crying myself...

[Jackaroo]

We had a terrible night last night, so I acknowledge that he's tired too, and we could probably both have done with staying home for the day, but it's just the last straw really.
He was really happy in the 0-2 room, but just before the summer started the transition to the "big" room for 2-5s... from the moment he started this he's been unhappy; they did it really slowly, and he just played in that playground a bit, and then had a drink there and so on and so on.. for what felt like weeks. he finally made the full move about a month ago.
In all this time he hasn't slept well - he used to just sleep through - pretty much 7-7, and now he's awake at least a couple of times a night, and last night was the worst yet - he didn't sleep from 1-6....

He doesn't even want to talk about people at nursery anymore, even when there's not obvious imminent danger of being taken there.

What might I be doing wrong? BTW, one of hte keyworkers from the babyroom moved up pretty much the same time, so he has someone he knows (and lkes) still as his main person...

Please help, I feel as if I'm missing something obvious.........

Could he be getting pushed around by a bigger child?

How horrid for you both.

I don't have any advice but I know how awful this is for you as we moved house when DS was 14m and he moved nursery at the same time. From being a little boy that never had any problems being left, he became clingy and cried and cried when I left him. I would ring the nursery two hours later and would still be able to hear him crying in the background. TBH it did get better, it took about six weeks for him to stop crying and clinging when I dropped him off, but during that time the length he cried after I dropped him off lessend week on week. I hope this sorts itself out for you asd it's heartbreaking.

It must be terrible leaving them crying. How long ago did he move up??

A lot of kids like routine and any changes can take some time to get used to.

Have a word with the teacher, does he settle soon after you leave, does he join in, have they noticed anything that could be making upset, etc.

Have you talked to the staff? Try to get a full picture of what his day is like there? It sounds a bit odd to me that hey have a 2-5 group. At my dc's nursery there's a 2-3, on the same floor of the 3-5, which I think makes the transition easier...
btw I don't think that you are doung anything wrong.

And I noticed that they go through different phases of being really happy to go and phases when they moan about it.

no help. DS was like that, got even worse when he went to again different room for 3y and older. In the end took him out of there. Started at the same time with a playgroup, absolutely loved it in playgroup (less strucured?)

jackaroo -I partly know what you're experiencing as my DS, after a change of room at nursery, went through similar (although he was moving from the 2-3s to the 3-4s, so a bit older).

On the way there in the morning he would be saying he didn't want to go and when we got there he was really quiet until we approached the door to the room and he would go crazy -it was so unlike him, he'd be clinging to me crying, screaming and kicking.

He had been so happy in the previous room. Some of his peer group moved up with him and he knew some of the staff so there were some familiar faces. I tried asking him why he didn't want to go but he could never give me an answer.

I found it really distressing dropping him off and even used to phone an hour later to see if he was OK -apparently he would be a bit tearful after I had gone for half an hour max and then would be OK for the rest of the morning.

Things are much, much better now -we are 2 weeks into having no tears and this morning he couldn't wait to get there!

2 things that I think helped change it were:

-for about 2 weeks ( he does 3 sessions a week) DP took him and dropped him off rather than me. This, I think, broke the pattern a bit.
-a sticker chart. His big sister (7) helped by making a sticker chart so DS gets to choose a sticker and put it on the column for that day if he doesn't cry when we drop him off. (OK, for the first day or two he had a little cry but tried so hard not to that he had a little sticker to acknowledge his effort).

Hope that helps a bit -even if it just lets you know that it will get better

Oh thank you for getting back to me so fast - I do talk to the carers there, and they all seem to think he's doing well - he's changed over the last few weeks from allowing others to just take toys from him if they feel like it, to taking them back again. The senior carer and I Had a good chat a few days ago, and she said he's definitely holding his own, and getting more involved, but that he's still at an age where they do their own thing a bit.... I do try and come in without him seeing int he afternoon, and watch what he's doing. For a long time he was just standing watching looking a bit lost, but the last few times he's been joining in with dancing , making tea, whatever they're doing, and I do think part of it is tiredness, he hasn't slept more than half an hour at lunchtime since he started there, and at home he sleeps for 1.5-2.5 hours...and he's definitely a child that the less he sleeps the less he sleeps at night.
It's only 2 days a week, which they say makes it harder on him because it's like reinventing the wheel each time...

I'm so close to just jacking it all in and staying home with him, but I think I'd lose my much struggled for sanity if I did that. We're immigrating in 3 months, and I think we both need to keep the routine going???

PS Law - the problem is that if I hang around waiting for him to stop, it just prolongs it.

Hi

Really feel for you - my ds was the same when he moved from baby to toddler room - clinging onto me, crying inconsolably and - as you say, refusing to talk about nursery at all, except to say 'don't like nursery' with a tearful expression...it's horrible, and I used to leave him there almost in tears. All I can say is he grew out of it - I too wanted to stay at home but we need the money from my p/t job so it wasn't really an option and I knew he wasn't being picked on etc - in fact he was ok once I had left and he had had a drink etc. Do you phone once you have let him have time to settle down? how is he then? I am sure many children go through this phase - I am hoping that it won't happen again as my ds is now nearly 3 and has to move again, but I guess it is part of growing up and eventually it will be school so it's probably a good idea for them to get used to it and to know that you will always be picking them up at the end of the day...

jack - sorry you must have read that wrong, or perhaps i didnt say it very well. I wasnt suggesting that you stay until he stops crying, just that it must be terrible leaving them if they are crying. Sorry for the confusion!!

I asked how long ago did he move up to his new class??

That's OK Law - I didn't think you were having a go!! Which shows I'm doing ok, exactly the sort of comment I could have leapt on in one of my wobblier moments!!

He started spending time in the big room in June-ish, maybe an hour at a time, and then after a few weeks was in there for everything except sleep and feed and nappies (what does that leave ??!!)... but he's been in there fully for about 6 weeks I think?

magaddict, very helpful to know that you went through such a similar time.. maybe there is a light at the end of it all.

jack - has he been like this since june, or is it a recent thing?

I was going to post a similar thing today Jackaroo! Our DS is 3.2 and has always been ok with nursery apart from the first few weeks after joining. He used to literally run off the moment we dropped him off, or at least happily wandered off with his friends when we got there. However the last 2 months he has been clinging to our leg and crying on arrival, saying 'i don't want to go to nursery' when he knows it is a nursery day. Virtually every day he goes (2.5 days per week) one of the carers has to peel him off us so we can leave. Its truly awful and we both feel terrible (DH and I each drop him off, pick him up 50/50).

If i ask him about nursery at random times, eg at the weekend, 'do you like nursery?' he always answers in a positive way, telling us what they do, how he likes his friends there etc. The staff are all lovely. When we collect him he is always thrilled to see us and runs over, but does look happy if we observe him playing before he notices us.

The complication is that our 2nd baby is due in 4 weeks and i think this is why he is feeling a bit insecure. I just wonder if there is anything else we could do? I just feel so guilty all the time.

He's been unsettled since June, but the truly howling only since he's been in there full time. ? ????

Hellomama - I guess there is a little solace in knowing others have the same problem. Still wish I could magic all the horribleness away for him though - but hey, I suspect I'll be thinking that til I die

madness - didn't spot your post before. Were you at playgroup with him?

Maybe he just not emotionally ready for the "big room" yet? Is he quite a young 2, needing more "babying" for a few more months (definitely not a bad thing at all)? Is it possible to move him back into the little room until he's ready to move?

was just thinking if he was settled, then all of sudden wasnt, might have been an incident or something to put him off.

6 weeks is a long time, poor you.

Have you asked him why he doesnt want to go?

sorry just realised he is only 2

Also, find out from nursery staff if he carries on crying for long after you've left. If he manages to compose himself very quickly, it could be that he is just trying to keep you there as long as possible.

The regression in sleep does however point to not feeling on top of things...

Sayed only for the first time and not even all of the time!
At one stage he would go few days to playgroup and few days to nursery, he was a completely different boy on the playgroup days!! (but being tired was also a problem that got partly resolved when I switched from afternoon nursery to morning nursery.

I have never really been able to find out what bothered him in that nursery

I think there might be something in all those comments tbh. We always think of him as being very grown up for his age, because he looks it (looks more like an almost 3), has v. good vocab., and is generally very resilient. But in a way, I think this worries me more because he's otherwise doing OK...
I would love to ask for him to stay backin the baby room, but they've already filled the spaces will lots of new very young babies. They are letting him start there everyday, which I've seen others do - but he's still sobbing,e ven going ot the arms of his favourite person...I guess because he knows he'll be in the other room eventually.

I do see other children who have looked miserable before looking very happy today, so I wonder if it just takes time.

Unfortunately (and I have this from someone who owns a day nursery), the older children subsidise the younger age group to a certain extent as the younger ones require so many more staff. So there is pressure to move the children into the higher age groups as soon as possible, and it is not possible to be very flexible on staffing numbers at the lower age group due to legal staffing requirements. So you son may be stuck in the upper age group for a while to come. It may be worth speaking to the lady he knows from the baby room to see if she can give him extra cuddles, more attention in small groups etc, while he is adjusting to the new situation.