I really need help with my 3yr old ds's behaviour - please

[Charlee]

DS1's behaviour has really escalated and is getting appaling, even at playschool he is playing up now when he used to behave really well there. Him and his partner in crime flooded the school yesterday when they went into wash there hands so i got called in for that, then DS's friend apologised but DS refused point blank.

He is cruel to his brother (10 months) and is just generally naughty all day at home, he does things he knows he isnt allowed to do because he looks at me while he is doin g it to get a reaction.

I ignore things i can but obviously somethings i can't, i praise his ocassional good behaviour loads and try not to use alot of negatives, i use 'please can you do this' rather than 'don't do that'

We have used the naughty step ect but and even though it's consistent he just simply doesn't care.

He swears, i used the f word in front of him once ages ago (so i take full responsibility) but still he is forever saying it even though he knows its naughty.

It's just getting ridiculous now, its getting the whole family down, we can't tkae him anywhere without him ripping things from shelves in shops and running in roads.

I know he ill and has had a lot to deal with but i don't see why he should get away with such bad behaviour tbh.

He can be a lovley boy really affectionate and caring but he demands attention and we just can't give it to him as much as he wants it.

Help me please!

hi charlee, its hard being a parent!!! I usually find when my 3.6 year old has the 'devil' in him its usually because he is bored, i set him up with something to play, painting, colouring, play doh etc and he find that far more interesting than running around like a nutter.

Thanks Law3 - I do give him loads of things to do (it was his birthday on Sat so he has an abundence of toys) but he just destroys them or wont do anything unless i sit him on my knee and do it with him, and as much as i wouls love to do that all day i have a baby to look after and a house to keep up.

OK, copied and pasted and my view below:

im and his partner in crime flooded the school yesterday when they went into wash there hands so i got called in for that, then DS's friend apologised but DS refused point blank. TEACHERS SHOULD HAVE BEEN SUPERVISING. YOU LEAVE 3YOS ALONE WITH WATER YOU DESERVE ALL YOU GET, THE PLAYGROUP#S FAULT, NOT YOURS, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS ONE, REALLY

He is cruel to his brother (10 months) BECAUSE IT GETS YOUR ATTENTION AND HE IS JEALOUS. KEEP THEM APART

and is just generally naughty all day at home, he does things he knows he isnt allowed to do because he looks at me while he is doin g it to get a reaction. ATTENTION SEEKING SO WHAT I'D DO IS LOTS OF POSITIVE ATTENTION AND PICK YOUR BATTLES. SO FOR MINOR MISDEMEANOURS, JUST DISTRACT, CHANGE ACTIVITY FOR MAJOR ONES AND ONLY MAJOR ONES, SAY RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING OUTSIDE AND PUT HIM IN THE HALL FOR 1 MINUTE. THAT'S IT. PUNISHMENT SHOULD BE VERY OCCASIONAL IMO AT THIS AGE AND ONLY FOR MAJOR MAJOR BAD BEHAVIOUR. REALLY REALLY PICK YOUR BATTLES, DISTRACTION MUCH BEST WAY THIS AGE IMO

I ignore things i can but obviously somethings i can't, i praise his ocassional good behaviour loads GOOD
and try not to use alot of negatives, i use 'please can you do this' rather than 'don't do that' TRY "SEE IF YOU CAN DO X BY THE TIME I COUNT TO 10" BET HE'LL DO IT
DO, "SEE IF YOU CAN BEAT ME AT DOING X" OR "SEE IF YOU CAN SURPRISE ME AND DO y"

We have used the naughty step ect but and even though it's consistent he just simply doesn't care. SEE ABOVE

He swears, i used the f word in front of him once ages ago (so i take full responsibility) but still he is forever saying it even though he knows its naughty. DO NOT REACT TO THIS ONE, AGAIN HE'S USING IT TO GET ATTENTION. MY DS KNOWS THERES NO POINT IN SWEARING TO RILE ME BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK, I DON'T REACT, NEVER HAVE. OTOH MIL ONCE DID AND THEREFORE HE USED IT TO WIND HER UP. IGNORE IT AND MOVE ON. LOTS OF MNETTERS DISAGREE WITH ME ON THIS BUT IT WORKED FOR ME

It's just getting ridiculous now, its getting the whole family down, we can't tkae him anywhere without him ripping things from shelves in shops and running in roads. DON'T TAKE HIM TO SHOPS. TAKE HIM TO WIDE OPEN SPACES WHERE IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE WANTS TO RUN.

I know he ill and has had a lot to deal with but i don't see why he should get away with such bad behaviour tbh. HE'S THREE. IT'S NORMAL AND ATTENTION SEEKING AND HE'S NOT BEING BAD, HE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND.

He can be a lovley boy really affectionate and caring but he demands attention and we just can't give it to him as much as he wants it. SO GIVE IT IN BURSTS AND THEN WHEN YOU HAVE TO FEED YOUR BABY OR WHATEVER, SET HIM UP WITH SOMETHING OR INVOLVE HIM.

Help me please! HTH.

charlee - What he does in school, is for the school to deal with and let you know.

If you could get him to behave better at home, this usually follows through to school.

Swear words, ignore.

What do you do when your out and he starts playing up?

Thanks WWW - i will try any suggestions i get.

It's hard when were out, i don't want to make him go in his pushchair becuse walking is good physio for him and he is 3 so he should be able to. If i put rains on him he sits on the floor and doesn't move.

Most the time when he is naughty and wrecking a dhop i wait outside with him or try and distract him 'come and help mummy pick you some clothes' sort of thing.
It doesn't work well but i can't think of anything else.

Yes with playschool i did wonder why he wasn't supervised more closley especailly since he did it twice! But i do wonder why he didn't appologise as he always does at home.

It's the first naughty thing he had done at school.

charlee - if you are out and he is walking out of his pushchair or in a shop and he starts behaving badly, tell him i will count to 3, if you havent stopped doing whatever, you will have to sit in pushchair, if by the time you get to 3 he hasnt stopped, put him in the pushchair.

distraction is good, but only if it works, if it doesnt, back in pushchair.

If you are consistent, with 1-2-3 back in pushchair, he will get the message that you mean what you say and hopefully this will help him to behaviour.

Same as at home, 1-2-3 time out. Dont take your time counting either, no one and half etc.

I wouldnt worry too much about saying sorry, doesnt really mean anything to them at this age. Its nice if you can get him into the habit of saying it, but i dont think 3 year olds are very sincere.

Let us know how you get on charlee. best of luck

charlee, as usual I agree with law3 (and WWW).
The best thing is to ignore as much bad behaviour as possible.
Consistency is VERY important, if they know you will ALWAYS follow through they will stop pushing.
How do you 'leave' him when going to deal with your ten month old?
i.e if your youngest needs his nappy doing and you are cuddling 3yo what do you say??
I have found the best way to extract yourself from the elder child is humour and reassurance, something like 'here we go again, crikey, i never get a second to meself do i!?!?! maybe i should turn you in the grown up and you can change that smelly yucky nappy, haha, right lets do this as quick as possible cos I need a hug from you!!!' then mke it seem youre rushing around in order to get back to him, the elder child needs to know it is OK to be annoyed at the younger child and that you understand, they are less likely to exert their jealousy with violence if they feel they can talk to you about it.
Good Luck

Hi Lorayn, weve gota stop meeting like this good points.

Trying to involve your older one, with little one, might help. Can you help me change his bum, get the wipes, help to put cream on, fasten the nappy, etc So he feels like the big boy.

Totally agree with WWW's post, really really good suggestions.

Also just wanted to add to go easy on your expectations of yourself just while you concentrate on his behaviour; yes you have a baby to deal with but maybe you need to forget the housework for now; don't put pressure on yourself to have a tidy home as well as deal with the kids. You and DH/DP can whizz through tidying in the evening; tell him you need his help more at the moment while you concentrate on ds.

And allow yourself some options when out; don't NOT take the pushchair because he's three and ought to be able to walk; give yourself the option of using it as a strategy if he plays up, as others have suggested. Go easy on yourself for now.

Also agree with the boys = like puppies thing; they need walking every day otherwise they get destructive. Can you get to the park every day? Oh and unless someone's LIFE depends on it DO NOT GO TO SHOPS with your boys.

Totally agree with using games and challenges to get him to do stuff rather than 'please can you do this'. Much more likely to get results, more fun all round.

Good luck.