Childhood emotional neglect.

[millionsardines]

I just want to write out my experiences mostly for my own benefit, you don't have to read it or comment.

I was raised by a mother and father that were both unable to show any emotion or love and I took me until aged 50 to realise why my life turned out to be such a disaster. I remember when I was around 4 or 5 seeing other kids in the park playing with their parents and I tried to get them to do it but they were very reluctant, like other stories I've heard my parents were ideal on paper, in fact they had books on how to raise kids but in practice something vital was missing, I always felt no bond to either my parents or brother, he went to a special academy because he was a genius in maths, science and computers and I want to a comprehensive school where the teachers decided who was worth it and abandoned the rest, in the later years of school I never even did any work and bunked off for long periods, my dad blamed me for not being as clever as my brother and said " I just wasn't trying hard enough", in fact I probably have an issue with numbers like dyslexia and my role in life is in manual work. My brother is very clever but emotionless like Mr Spock.

So I soon became unable to form any relationships though I had some good friends at school the day I left I never spoke to them again. I've never had any long term friends since then and no relationships with anybody. Around aged 20 I started to get depression and by 25 was in hospital because of it, from then until 50 the same living alone, two careers given up on and in and out of mental health treatment which has been a horrible experience of incompetent staff, hostile and heartless treatment and i never got anything that was ever promised .

I realised about my parents emotional neglect when my dad died of cancer and I found out my mum had left him in a bad state because she didn't want the neighbours to see an ambulance outside ! when he died she was more concerned about the neighbours seeing the undertaker than my dad. That was a big shock to me and I realised this wasn't normal. I got her a dog to keep her company but she never cared for it, didn't take it out or play with it. She developed dementia and we moved her to a home near my brother, I've never visited her and never been asked to, I'm guessing she has forgotten I exist.

A year ago I stopped trying to work and moved to a rural location for just peace and quiet , I take my meds, I have refused to allow my GP to refer me to the NHS mental health services ever again, i sleep a lot, potter in the garden, and make one shopping trip a week, I am now reasonably content and have had no serious episodes of depression, I have accepted that i will never have any kind of relationship with anybody and I just have to make the best of the rest of my life alone.

Do you see a therapist? You could probably benefit a lot from one, 50 is still young enough to have a lot of life left!

It’s such a positive step to have written out your experience. I too definitely think you would benefit from talking therapy.

Also you mention you like gardening. Is there a gardening club or group nearby or some voluntary work you could do outdoors? It’s a great opportunity to meet others who share your interests and make friendships.

Can you push yourself to change up your routine a bit? Go to a different supermarket? Different day - try a few new foods? Anything that will give you the sense that your life doesn’t have to be exactly as it is now. 50 is very young! Time for plenty of happy times ahead.

You have survived the tough times and this proves your resilience- you have a lot to share with others.

Life happens in different phases. You posting here shows a new phase could just be beginning of you take a single small step out of the previous phase...

I am happiest when I'm alone and in unspoilt nature, with total peace and quiet and I'm looking to move to a very isolated wild place in the future rather than get into meeting other people which I don't enjoy. I've tried to force myself to be social but it didn't work, it was all an act and I wasn't happy, when I go out walking in the countryside I breathe a big sigh of relief and just stand there absorbing the peace, I come back home with a big smile .

Like I said in my post I've given up on treatments, counselling and the like and that was the best thing I did , I now accept who I am and am not wasting my time trying to change it. I do need to take meds though or else I can fall into serious depression , something as small as an argument with someone could trigger it and in 24 hours I would be unable to even get out of bed.

Thanks for your replies.

It sounds like you know yourself well. Good luck for the future. If you do move remotely do make sure you have regular access to your medication and health care support.
Do you enjoy animals - company for you?

Understand you don’t enjoy in- person social contact but Do you like to call Write to or email anyone?

You've still got plenty of life ahead of you, I live in rural Scotland and like you I've recognised how uplifting it is being outside in nature.

A hillwalking group might be a suggestion, who knows what might lead from there.

I wish you all the best.

@millionsardines I just searched 'childhood emotional neglect' in Talk and came across your post. I'm currently reading a book called Complex PTSD From Surviving to thriving by Pete Walker and thought it would be interesting to read about others that have experienced this.

Im the same age as you and over the past 2 years have started to recognise how my upbringing affected my life as an adult. Being self destructive, disastrous relationships, feeling unworthy, disconnected, people pleasing, etc.

A child raised by distant, rejecting, unemotional parents can experience deeply ingrained trauma. The child grows up with a feeling of being fatally flawed in some way. Certain triggers like confrontation can send you into an abyss of toxic shame.

It sounds like you have been let down with mental health services and have had to find your own way to deal with inner trauma. Im not surprised you have moved rurally and having a connection to nature is soothing and gives a sense of belonging. I too long to move rurally.

I understand it would be difficult talking to a therapist but I urge you to look on Pete Walker's website and get the book. There are moments Im gobsmacked, have to take a pause because the insights in there are breathtaking. I wish you well and hope you continue to find inner peace.

I'm in an impossible situation, I get extremely lonely, ( sometimes I hug a pillow at night ) but I can't stand to be in intimate physical contact with another person, my life is so restricted that I have nothing to offer anyone , most of the time I'm just tired and have no interest in anything.