Needy toddler

[Rachel1210]

Hi all
Some background to my LO - he was a very needy colicky baby - always wanted to be held and cried a lot. He’s always been very sensitive and cries a lot. He’s not 18 months. I thought he would grow out of it but he hasn’t. A HV told me to see to his every need immediately so that he feels more secure and will be less needy. Anyway it’s backfired because now whenever he wants something he screams until he gets it. He’ll be happily playing and then out of nowhere he’ll start screaming because he wants food and literally won’t stop until he’s fed. I now have to make all his meals and snacks first things because when I’m on my own I can’t make any food because he’s so distraught. What’s the best way to handle this? I’ve got a feeding schedule so he knows when food is coming but it hasn’t helped. Have I created a spoilt toddler? Should I keep seeing to his demands or try ignoring them and making him wait? I literally live on the edge with him because he’s very demanding and when he wants something it comes over him immediately and he gets so worked up. Any advice?

How is he communicating with you? how is he requesting food or anything else he needs? I wonder if there is some frustration of him not yet being able to communicate effectively.

Yes i think there is frustration there. Sometimes he will put his hand to his mouth for food but most of the time he literally just screams. As I said it’s really stressful as he is so upset that I need to give him food straight away. I want to break the habit of him screaming and then I immediately give him food...but he’s so upset. He goes from perfectly happy to complete melt down until I feed him. It sounds dramatic but I think I have anxiety as he cried so much as a baby for hours or end so the sound of him crying now really effects me more than it should - it just takes me back to a very low time in my life

It does sound, like you suggested, that the advice originally given by your HV has slightly backfired. At 18M a toddler would be expected to either try to get the food themselves (showing independence) or communicate with the carer using a variety of gestures (pointing, giving/holding up an empty plate/cup, etc) - the behavior that he seems to be displaying is that of one of a much younger toddler (

He will gesture to his mouth to eat but then within a split second will scream or when he can see me preparing food he will kick and scream until I serve it....i just don’t know whether to try and make him wait a little while so that he knows screaming doesn’t work - but he literally wont stop. It just means I have to be so organised and have all his food ready and prepared. It’s so hard....he just cries and screams a lot. I’m really trying to help with his language but he seems to have zero patience

I fear your have got caught in a vicious circle here.. Not sure what planet the HV was on??!
First off, how is his eating and sleeping generally? Does he drink too much milk vs food? What is his routine like ?

Yes I agree selly24!
He eats and sleeps well...

Wakes 6.30ish and has a cup of milk
Breakfast 7.30ish
Snack 9.30/10ish
Lunch 11.30/12ish
Naps around 12.30ish (sleeps very well - I wake him at 3pm)
3ish - small snack and some milk from cup
4.30/5ish - dinner
6.15ish - milk
Bath and bed - 6.30ish into cot for 6.45 and usually asleep by 7.15

But some days he’ll get hungry or tired before the above times and literally screams his head off until he gets what he wants. First thing in the morning I set out all his snacks and meals so that all I have to do is re-heat so that he’s never waiting long as he will scream until he gets what he’s after. I want to teach him some patience - he knows the food is coming as he can see me making it and I’ve never ever withheld it from him so I don’t know why he literally cries until he gets it. He’s always been very sensitive and emotional but I hoped by 18months he may have regulated his emotions a bit but I hate to say it - he’s become so spoilt and it makes me so sad and stressed. Any advice?

He wakes up quite early! Perhaps despite eating regularly, he’s not getting enough in terms of energy density? Does he eat well / a variety? Where is he on the growth charts ( in Red book) Where / how do his meals take place. ( a small toddler tummy combined with higher energy need now he is growing so fast!)

Overtiredness could be a factor here too contributing to the cranky behaviour, despite the good sleep habits as you describe). Growth spurt needs fuel and extra sleep!

I suggest giving breakfast in 2 parts 7:15 say porridge / cereal and 8:15 ( eggs and toast) or whatever your routine allows.
Snack 10:15am ( what kinds of things for snacks / how much?)

Lunch 12:30
Nap: 1 ish to 3:30pm ( Experiment with letting him sleep until 3:45pm latest- I know this will seem late but try it!)
Snack 4pm
Dinner 5:40pm
Bath 6:15pm
Pre- bedtime snack ( weetabix and milk / similar)
Brush teeth
In bed for 7:10pm asleep by 7:25pm
I know that’s later but tweak to your preference.

This will be hard - by all means be organised but definitely DO NOT jump to attention and into action when your son screams.
Act relaxed and calm - describe what you are doing and verbalise what he is feeling eg „I’m putting the banana and crackers on the plate- wow you are really hungry and it’s so hard to wait“ Can you do the snacks self service style on a little table for him to ease frustration ?
You Are absolutely correct he must not continue to expect his every whim to be catered to - it won’t make him happy in the long term or able to deal well in different social settings/ nursery school which I am guessing can’t be many months away?

Please ask me anything!! Have lived and breathed toddlers ( especially nutrition / routine )for what seems forever -one big take away- however bad it seems - it always get better!!)

Thank you for your reply!
I tried pushing his nap later but he then takes ages to settle at night so I find a 3pm wake means he’ll settle by 7.30 so that he gets 11-11.5 hours at night. He usually wakes between 6.30-7. Although today it was 7.15. He’s very active and does get very tired so even trying to push him to 12.30 for his nap can be hard! I do wake him at 3pm though because as I said it was interfering with his bedtime.
Typical food...
Breakfast - weetabix whole milk chia seeds and peanut butter and toast. Eats all his weetabix doesn’t often finish the toast so perhaps I could often that later as you suggest.
Snack - some grapes apple and banana with couple of rice crackers with peanut butter
Lunch - beans on toast with cheese or mixed veg omelette with toast follows by Greek yoghurt and chopped fruit.
Afternoon snack - homemade toddler flapjack with some milk
Dinner - eg meat and veg, pasta, spaghetti Bol, fish pie followed by Greek yoghurt with some fruit

He’s always been on the smaller side - normally between 9th/25th but he was a terrible eater so I was advised to give him set meals and snacks so that he doesn’t just graze but perhaps he is now older he could have more little and often? He rarely finishes his snacks and isn’t fussed on his milk first thing since we transferred to a cup from the bottle - but he will often eat his main meals so I offer him more until he shakes his head. I don’t think his reaction is because he’s hungry I think he’s just got very spoilt! Perhaps I could try not preparing his food and when he starts kicking off as you said verbalise what I’m doing and show him - I could put him next to me so he can see me preparing it. Although sometimes he’s so upset he’s having a full blown tantrum so it would be impossible to get him to sit and wait as he’s just flailing about! Pre lockdown he was in nursery 4 days a week. Does it sound like I’m doing anything wrong?

Should also add that sometimes he’ll gesture to his mouth but then not really eat what I give him. Like this morning he’s had his 2 weetabix and just now he was gesturing to his mouth so I made him some toast but he fussed it a bit

Actually he’s just eaten it!
So I’ll see how he gets on now as to whether he’ll wait for lunch or still want a snack