I feel like I hate my two year old

[squinny101]

This is quite difficult for me to write but I am going to come out and say it. I feel like I hate my two year old daugther. She is being so difficult at the moment that I don't even want to look at her. We have had two out of control tantrums already this morning. I have just dropped my four year old son off at school (its only his second week) and she has had an almighty tantrum in the playground because she wants to stay. All the other mums are just staring at me. I picked her up by her arm and tried to carry her and the newborn in her baby seat to the car without crying. As we pulled up outside the house she calmed down then she saw we were going inside and started again. God knows what my neigbhours must think of me. She has such a strong personality all she does is hit and scream and attention seek all day. I can't concentrate on giving hte baby attention when she needs it. I couldnt' even give my son his full attention when he went to school for the first time because it always has to be about her and trying to ward off a tantrum. I'm not sure how much more I can cope with. I feel like I will do something I seriously regret. How I haven't smacked her by now is beyond me. I feel so overwhelmed by it all at the moment. I just want to not have to deal with her. I don't get any help from family as they don't live near here and her father adores her and thinks she can do no wrong. I am sure she despises me as when I say 'say sorry to mummy' she just says 'no go away you're stupid'. It sounds pathetic but I get so upset by it. SOrry to rant.

I have no advice squinny, I'm afraid, but I will watch this thread with interest as DS1 who is now five is like this. He ruined summer 2006 with his constant tantrums. I know exactly what you mean when you say 'trying to ward off a tantrum'. It's so stressful. You have my heartfelt sympathy. Rest assured, though, that she doesn't despise you. That is one thing I am sure of.

My middle child is quite like this and gives me most difficulty. Even though I haven't entirely solved the problem I do find that offering him attention - particularly when I least feel like it - works most successfully.

Can you take her by surprise and offer her some of your undivided love and attention - maybe pick a time when she expects you to be cross or busy?

The newborn is nine weeks old and has reflux so a lot of my time is sat sitting with her and winding her for hours on end and cleaning up as she vomits constantly. I try to play with my daugther but she does not want me to play with her. She can't share (I know this is normal) and won't play nicely with me or her brother - she hits him constnatly and pulls his hair. I'm becoming so distressed by it all. I don't want to take her out anywhere because I know I will have to deal with a tantrum. I wish I could put her in nursery but can't afford a private one and can't get her into a preschool for another five months.

You poor thing, 3 very young kids could test the patience of a Saint.

What do you usually do when she hits, screams etc?

You sound like you've got a lot on your plate - I don't think i could cope with 3 los. It sounds like she's finding it difficult with the new baby and her brother going off to school, and is playing up accordingly. I have felt the same about ds1 at times, usually when life is feeling hard work, and they do their best to make it harder. Would recommend some time to yourself, if possible, if not i used to spend a lot of time in indoor soft play areas, which worked a treat. They definitely get easier as they get older!

I have tried putting her on the naughty step but we have a fight. She says sorry when she comes off but it seems to make no difference at all as the behaviour then carries on after a few mins. I just find it all exhausting.

Hi, Wonder woman, you!

DS2 was born when DS1 was 3. We got our first au pair to help with the situation as I was very ill after his birth, and DS1 was extremely jelous and playing up a lot. He was even worse when the au pair came, he did not want to be with somebody else, he wanted mum, to be babied, and loved. I was very angry with him and could initially not understand his tantrums and his naughtyness, my husband gave him plenty of love and attention and said this was the way to go. (I am glad for your DD that your DH is doing the same)

I realized that I had to let the au pair handle the baby, DS2 was so young it did not really matter to him, but it mattere to DS1. So I would give DS1 some proper one on one, lots of love, attention and encouragement, while au pair was with baby. It took a few months, and then it eased off.

I hear you when you say you cannot afford a private nursery, but I dont think the solution is to displace your DD any further. She needs you MORE than ever now. She needs reassurance that she is still loved. She has not been replaced by the baby, you have room in your heart for them both.

You are doing brilliantly with three young kids. Is there anyway you could have somebody come in and mind the baby a little for you now and then so you can spend some quality time with DD? Or, can you try do that when baby is sleeping?

I like the idea of a trip to the park/playground, baby can stay in pram, your dd can play and feel she has special time.

Do you have a baby gym? It wont hurt to let baby lay under the baby gym a little next to you on the floor while you play with DD.

We had the WORST time when I was just at home with them both. Being out helped. Park, shopping centre, a little trip to ELC for the oldest to have a rummage and look at the toys (and sometimes a little treat from the pocket money shelf) and Gymboree. All those things are good for baby too. Grocery shopping even can be made fun if you involve your DD, ask her to help look out for Milk, Apples, etc and let her feal you are talking to her and appreciating your company.
Do you have any friends? Toddler groups? A young baby is very portable, and should also enjoy being taken to a toddler group or coffee mornings.

I hope some of the above helps, but I see you are already given some brilliant advise from previous posters.

As you said its an attention seeking thing. I would ignore the tantrums, all the while your making a fuss, she is still in the spotlight.

When my 3 year old has a tantrum, i walk away, leave the room or if in the school playground i would say mummy is going back to the car are you coming or staying here and begin to walk away.

Try to start having fun with her again, otherwise it turns into a battle of the wills, try to turn getting dressed, shoes on etc, etc into a game.

If you are going to use the naughty step, you have to be very consistent, thats the key. I would use it for things like hitting, especially with a baby, but not tantrums etc. I would tell her the rules before she misbehaves, such as: "Mummy isnt happy with the way you have been hitting. When i see you start to hit then i will count to 3 and the behavior better end before we get to 3. If it doesn't you will go to time-out." Try to catch her right before she hits and count "1-2-3"...don't take your time either. Let's say she goes ahead and hits. Scoop her up and put her in time-out. Tell her she will sit quietly for 3 minutes before she gets up and you will start the time when she is sitting quietly. Each time she gets up or screams...whatever...then say, without emotion, "you got up so we'll have to start all over." she will be learning that you ARE consistent, there are negative consequences to her actions, and you will follow through.

I have tried with Toddler groups etc. but find them very cliquey. I really get embarrassed when other mums give you that kind of patronising smile when I can't control her and make comments like 'she's very strong willed isnt' she'. I don't want other people to look down their noses at us. I'm feeling very insecure at the moment as you can probably tell (!)

didnt realise she was 2, so if you use the step, its 2 minutes.

Or if you feel she is a bit young for the step, Calmly but swiftly remove her from the scene and say 'No hiting!' in a stern voice with a serious expression, be careful not to give more attention to her than the victim. A big telling off still means she is in the spotlight.

Toddlers often resort to aggressive behaviour when they feel insecure, perhaps because of new baby, perhaps DH could look after other kids, so you can have some 'special time' with her.

Hi Squinny

I think you are doing a fantastic job with three under 5.

I have 15 months between my two and have to say the first 12 weeks of my younger sons life were a nightmare, but things have got better. My eldest is now 2 and half and is a very strong minded individual.

This is what worked for me. If DS1 hit the baby, I would put him in the travel cot and tell him that hitting is wring. I found the trravel cot a godsend. I used it for sleeps etc for the baby, but also to timeout DS1, as he did not understand the naugty step and now tells me he has been naugty, but refuses to sit still, so we time out.

Another thing that really helped was special toys that only came out when I was feeding etc ie a bag with some cars, cotton reels, buttons and stuff in, which I only used at that time. I also read to him whilst feeding.

Please understand that the feelings you are going through are normal and I feel this sometimes too. dealing with a headstrong and opinionated toddler really challenges every ounce of my being most days and is harder than any other job I have ever done.

I also found toddler groups a godsend. DS1 was kept occupied whilst I spent time with the baby or there was always someone who would hold the baby while I played with DS1.

I hope this helps that people think you are wonderful looking after three and feel free to contact me for any support.

I was exactly like this 2 years ago. DS1 had just started school and dd who was 3 at the time had just started nursery. We also had ds2 who was 9 weeks old. DD was so difficult and used to run off in the playground and have tantrums about random things. I'm not sure I ever really did anything about her behavior as such but she did grow out of it. She went to school last year and is a much different child now (although still throws the odd wobbler). More praise and attention really does seem to bring the best out in her, I also found that getting her involved in helping with her baby brother was very good for our relationship.

maybe this is where youcan explain to your dp how your feeling with her tantrums and maybe he could spaek with her in simple terms for her to understand that if she misbehaves with you then there will be consequences

do you do time out with her to gain your control back so she can calm down and you can too?

i too went through similar situation i kind of gave up and my ds sensed this but i thought one day i have to be in control again so done time out and within few days tantrums stopped still has odd few but easily controlled days are fun again and i'm in the drivers seat

not really sure what other advice to give as i found time out has helped so much as he knows if i say he is going he is going and thats final so now with the warnin g i give first he normally does as i say good luck

i had a therapist come out as my son has delayed speech and she said that time out for tantrums is fine and is best so you both get space from each other and you have removed from situation so not getting your attention

she also suggestewd doing 2 activities a day such as play doh and painting as this will help work together and build a bond again

dont give up though your doing a great job she is just testing you and trying to be in control you must stay strong and show her that you ae in controll and there are consequences to her behaviour maybe she is jealous of time with new baby so maybe try and do little one on one activity when baby asleep so she doesn't have to misbehave for your attention

My main worry is that I had Post Natal Depression after my son was born. Have been through quite a difficult time having been through a messy divorce from a violent ex-husband. My two other children are with my new partner who is very supportive but I am scared that this is becoming all too much for me and I will lose control with my daughter. I have taken some of your advice this morning and we have done painting etc. and I have also signed us up for Messy Monsters starting next week. I will have to see how it goes but thank you for your advice. I just hope she grows out of it soon and I don't feel like this for much longer.

Squinny I think you've had some absolutely spot on, fantastic advice on here and I'm glad you've been able to use some of it already.

I think with your situation some of the stress could be alleviated by remembering every day to lower your expectations. Three very young children is, for some time every day at least, GOING to be chaos, there is nothing that can be done to change that except them growing older! Your dd is very very young and I think maybe the naughty step is setting you both up to fail. I agree with others who say give her special time (I know how hard that is!) and praise ANYTHING and everything. Do not engage in power struggles with her AT ALL. Use distraction way, way more. Not everything is a discipline issue. Ignore way, way more. Maybe use time out in her room rather than the step; at least you are out of each others faces for 2 minutes - and do not necessarily expect an apology from her. Don't make that an issue you fight over; she doesn't mean it, anyway, it's just parroting at this age.

If you say sorry to her when necessary, she will grow up being able to apologise, when she needs to. You don't need to train her.

You both sound locked in a negative place at the moment. Next time she's really being annoying, don't let yourself go down that road, tickle, her, distract her, anything that's going to break the cycle.

And as I say, do not expect too much of your DC, or yourself at the moment. You're doing a FAB job caring for 3; it's not actually possible to split yourself three ways is it - so you can see how well you're doing.

My dd's behaviour took a bit of a nose dive after I had ds. I found it all too easy to compare her being naughty and difficult to my nice placid baby. Time out didn't work at all well but I've found using stickers to reward good behaviour very effective, plus I make sure I'm out of the house by 10.30am for my own sanity! Now that ds has predictable naps I use them for special mummy-daughter time.

Good luck, sounds very hard work. I found having a new baby gave my relationship with dd a bit of a knock & that alone was very upsetting.