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3-yr old hitting

11 replies

worriermum · 07/09/2007 21:42

Please help.The nursery teacher says my ds of 3 is "pushing the boundaries" - hitting or pushing the other children. I am mortified - feel like a crap mother and convinced that ds is doomed to a life of anti-social activity. Has anyone else dealt with this? Would be very, very grateful for any suggestions. ps otherwise a very kind child - honest

OP posts:
XcupcakemummyX · 07/09/2007 21:53

am in same position
is the nursery helping and what exactly do they mean by pushing the boundries
also has he just started and is showing this behaviour to hide any anxieties

good luck

XcupcakemummyX · 07/09/2007 21:54

sorry can i ask is he in a mixed age setting?

worriermum · 07/09/2007 22:36

The nursery has been great - very sweet, non-judgemental teacher but she doesn't really have any advice for me other than not to panic. I think he's hurting the other children but the teacher hasn't been all that specific. It IS a mixed age setting: 3 - 5 year olds. And yes, he has just started school - I hadn't made the link though it seems duh-obvious now that you point it out. What's been your experience? And thanks for the encouragement - bit wobbly-lipped about it all.

OP posts:
XcupcakemummyX · 07/09/2007 23:04

iam very wobbly about my sitution too

does he settle well?
and are there lots of activities?

sorry iam an hour ahead and weary but i will catch up on here if you want

i think if the nursery are on your side you are lucky
it is very hard if you are not actually there.
does he find it hard to cope if other children are not talking to him?
sorry for all the questions
but show your concern to the nursery and tons of luck

engel · 08/09/2007 16:53

My dd was doing this regularly about two months ago, she'll be three soon, she would just go up to other kids and whack them over the head no provocation, my initial instinct was to scoop her up, remove her from the situation, soon realised this was exactly what she wanted, attention, so then I tried comforting the 'hittee', that didn't really have any effect either, she seemed fascinated by the cause and effect, the crying and howling that she alone had triggered, then she started to look as though she felt sorry for the hurt she caused, I made a big fuss of the other kid, kept telling her 'look, you've made him cry', then a couple of times I threatened to leave the playground/party etc. gave her a warning said if you do that one more time then we're going..the threat did work and then she started stroking other childrens' heads, kissing them and hugging them...we do have the occasional lapse but all in all she's turning out to be a considerate child...but I know it's horrible, you think it's only your child but it's SO common, it does not mean that your child will have a long-term problem, you must definitely express your disapproval in a firm way, I think I was a bit wishy washy about that initially, then I started getting down on her eye level, making her look me in the eye, pinning her arms to her sides firmly, no shouting but just telling her that she had just hurt someone else, it's very frustrating and it did take her months to really properly stop but now I don't feel as though I have to hover over her at parties or playgrounds. Don't let other parents make you feel as though you're doing anything wrong. Ask the 'teachers' what methods they would recommend, ask them what their tactics are, communicate with these people as it essential you work together and consistently. Good luck

law3 · 08/09/2007 17:50

Its down to the school to deal with and let you know how they are going to deal with it. Although you would expect to be informed, i dont see what you can do if your not there. Something he is doing in school is causing quite a stir at home as well as school and getting him lots of attention.

At home or in public i would use the time out method, but i dont see what you can do at school, unless they want you to go in.

Perhaps tell the school how you handle it at home and let them take the same approach, if its getting out of hand.

law3 · 08/09/2007 17:52

ps does he do it outside of school and if so what do you do when he does??????

lljkk · 08/09/2007 18:56

I was at a playground yesterday with five boys aged almost 3 to barely 4. They all spent lots of time running around trying to hit each other or "pretending" to try to hit. It was funny, really. I think it's like saying "Hello! I am SO desperate to play with you!" in their minds.

DS (3) saw a good mate (4yo) the other day for first time in months, he ran up and started pushing and hitting -- I know in DS's mind it meant "I'm so happy to see you!!!" Other lad took it in good humour, too.

What I mean is,
A) most boys do it;
B) The nursery has to deal with it because it's happening on their watch;
C) all you can do is talk to him about how important it is to be nice to other children, and why hitting isn't nice. Outside of preschool you may have to hover over him and try to keep the swipes at "pretend" level rather than real efforts to push someone over/clobber them.

Notquitegrownup · 08/09/2007 19:02

Ooh thank you for posting. My ds (4) still does this out of excitement, but noone else we know does!

Please can we come and live near you guys?!

worriermum · 08/09/2007 21:48

SO heartened by all your responses - thank you. It's easy to lose all perspective on these things - amazing what a blast of common sense and sanity can do. It's my instinct too that this is a clumsy - very,very clumsy - attempt at making friends. It doesn't happen much outside school - when it does perhaps I've erred on the side of getting TOO angry and shouty rather than a firm time out. Thanks for pointing out that it IS generating attention - again, so easy to miss the blindingly obvious. We've just moved cities ..I've been very distracted..perhaps some quality time is called for. Cupcake, best of luck to you too - I'll watch out for your postings

OP posts:
XcupcakemummyX · 09/09/2007 19:57

hello

i wish we had good support from my ds kindergarten

if you are getting a good relationship with the nursery staff built on it

maybe you can help in someway

young children do regress and non verbal communication is far mor visable in pre schoolers

worriermum is he an only child ?

well tons of luck again
and everything like someone else said is a phase

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