14 week old baby screams blue murder when i try to put him down at night

[MUM2019MARVEL]

First time posting, first time mum and I am at a loss, I would love some advice from you ladies if you feel you can help. It's been hard from day one as obviously babies don't run on a schedule and definitely don't have a rule book. But this past week I've found it increasingly difficult. My baby is 14 weeks old and has been understandably clingy as I am all he knows, I really don't mind this I actually love the bonding time we have together. Also he has let me put him down at night to get some sleep and wakes regularly as he is exclusively breast-fed this I also don't mind as it's just part and parcel of motherhood. But this past week has been awful :( to the point I am so stressed and am worried it may even impact my nursing baby and even cause depression as I feel a bit of a failure and that I'm not doing the right thing. As soon as I put him down for the night time sleep he will scream like I have never heard a baby scream..he's not in any pain, he's not hungry or has a wet nappy I've checked the heat is ok (with a temperature egg) he has me right next to his basinet at all times so I'm assuming he can smell me and knows I'm there. I've tried asking other mums and even googling it and I can't find a thing that makes sense as to why he's like this all of a sudden..could it be teething, separation anxiety, sleep regression PLEASE help me..from a very desperate mum..sorry for the essay x

Im wondering if it has something to do with being flat on his back. If you put some rolled up towels under the mattress at the head of his bed so he is on an incline, it might help. If this does help, then you could consider an ear infection and maybe a little reflux.

The only other thing is wind, have you definitely burped him really well?

Thank you SeaToSki, I will be sure to try this tonight when it starts up again. I have considered maybe reflux but then their are times he's absolutely fine on his back and during the day doesn't seem to have a problem being lay down (if only for 5 minutes or so) also I try my best to wind well on the advice of the health visitor in her words "baby's who are breast-fed are less likely to get wind/gassy but still wind him to be safe" so I'll feed and during the feed I'll take him off and wind then again after and about 5-10 minutes after the feed.

Sometimes babies are just so exhausted by the end of the day that they cry at something that wouldnt bother them during the day.

A tip for winding is to lay him on his back for a good 4 mins, I used to sit down and put him along my knees with toes against my tummy. Then sit them bolt upright with legs straight out in front, so their little bodies make an l shape iyswim. Hold them bolt upright maybe even slightly leaning forward for a good minute and if there are any bubbles left, they will rise up.

Yes I see what you mean, I will try that too..also if hes quieter or seems better when his head is tilted up a bit on the basinet I'll make sure I take him to the doctors just incase it's reflux/ear infection like you mentioned. I just wish I knew a definitive reason or if he had given me some clues as to what's wrong I can help but just feel a bit helpless at the minute with 5he only symptom being screaming when put down. Thank you very much though @SeaToSki

My baby was like that for the first few months of her life. She cried all the time very strongly and would only sleep in a sling and once removed carefully from the sling while fully wake, against me.

Whenever I tried putting her down for the night or a nap, she would scream blue murder almost immediately. Between the cries, she was an otherwise very happy baby and early smiler/giggler and hit all her milestones very early, and put on weight very well.

I was a wreck by the end of it.

What really helped was:

• respecting awake windows (down for a nap after max 1h45 at your baby's age) and watching out for sleepy signs. This was especially important with mine as she's VERY alert and won't switch off on her own then will flip into a meltdown otherwise with little warning.
• accepting I have a very expressive child on both ends of the spectrum, so where another child might grumble mine sounds hysterical but is probably just as cross
• from about 12 weeks onwards I did something called "fuss it out" where I left her to cry for longer and longer intervals (starting with max 1-2 min using a timer) so that she'll start to learn tu self soothe
• accepting that a lot of babies fight bed time and that she does it loudly!

She's now almost 5 months and has gone from being a terrible sleeper who cried a lot, to being able to self soothe. She'll cry for a few minutes in the evenings and sometimes at nap time but not when she wakes up at night (wakes up once now).

She's very delightful and happy all the time now.

So in summary a little gentle sleep training and also they start growing out of it as they get older.

Of course every baby is different but maybe there is something in my account that might help you.

I meant while fully asleep from the sling. And just to add, like you, I thought I was about to succumb to PND and was having hallucinations due to the lack of sleep. It was awful and life is much easier now.

Thank you so much for sharing your parenting experience I really appreciate it, as most mums I speak to have settled into a routine and sound like they have a perfect parenting method. Just knowing that it's not as easy as a,b,c is helping to be honest. I think you are absolutely right about the sleep window and no more than 1.30-2.00 hours max but even after 14 weeks I can't tell what his sleepy signs are..apart from when he will very rarely go down (without being on me) he rubs his eyes then will sleep. I do want to start getting into more of a routine as I have family complaining/giving unsolicited advice about my parenting. That obviously doesn't help the feeling of inadequacy at this moment in time (but also didn't get much support while I was pregnant) so that may not be helping the feeling of judgement..anyway I'm rambling I do want that set routine to start, but I'm a bit worried about the cry it out method this young as I've heard from midwives the cortisol in the body causes stress and it's released when babies aren't happy. But then those annoying people (Partners parents) your making a rod for your own back..he's got you wrapped round his little finger..you cuddle him too much.. :( I'm glad I may be in your situation in a few months time with a boy that does sleep well in the basinet..just for his own mental growth and personal independence when he's older. Thank you for your take on this and advice..I appreciate any help at the minute @Bb2019

I think relatives often have forgotten how little routine you can have in the early months especially when breastfeeding. Bottle fed babies are much easier to put into a routine as you know exactly how much they drink. Also, nobody really understands what it's like to have a difficult baby until they have one or live with one. My mum didn't really understand for example until I stayed with my parents for two weeks and they were shocked at how hard it was with a baby like mine.

The sleep window is probably your best bet for now if like I had your baby doesn't seem to have a routine. If you're struggling with trading tiredness signs, try using Huckleberry phone app (it's free). Based on your child's age, number of naps per day etc. they give you an optimal sleep sweet spot predictor and it's been mostly very accurate for us. The rule of thumb seems to be the more the baby sleep the better sleep gets, and it was certainly true for us.

As for crying, on one end of the spectrum there is shutting the room on your child and leaving there no matter how many hours they cry, and attachment parenting taken to a level where you sleep with your child and carry them and feed them so that they never cry until they are 2, 3 or even 4 years old.

There is also waiting a few minutes to see if your child will settle or at least calm a bit, and going back to them if you think they won't. That's what I did and eventually she learnt to self soothe. It's a slow process and not for everybody and having read all the main studies (I have a research background in the biological sciences) nobody has been able to demonstrate if and what level of crying is detrimental, although as of this morning a study by Warwick University on just this topic (not read the actual paper yet) showed that actually they could not find any evidence of developmental problems in 18 month olds that were left to cry at times from birth up until then and that overall they cried less at 18 months. Of course when a baby cries their cortisol goes up. That's a normal response to stress and we learn to self regulate as children.

In my view, we have a much happier child than before and I'm a lot happier too. A mum with PND isn't going to find parenting much fun to their child's detriment. A child who doesn't have the opportunity to learn to self regulate and is always placated by eg the breast or food until they are toddlers or even older may end up associating confort with food which is something that personally worried me. Also, I'm sure when women had 7 children they had to leave them to cry a little sometimes as they had their hands too full!

If you love your child and look after them well, they will be securely attached to you.

Big hug - and hang in there!

Some links:

Huckleberry app

https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/huckleberry-baby-child/id1169136078

Warwick study

https://warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/leavingyourr_baby/

And of the 6 sleep books I read this one was great - lots of different methods to try and no act to grind:

www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/30076034-precious-little-sleep

www.preciouslittlesleep.com/3-6-month-baby-sleep-survival-guide/

www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/

Yes I think they assume their way is best but none have ever breast-fed and it's very different than bottle feeding a baby's routine is on demand at all hours so it's very hard to set out a routine, i will definitely download the app and see if helps with the nap timing..I'll take any help I can get at the minute..yes I understand what you mean and I think because he's my first I'm a bit anxious about leaving him to cry especially when the volume is as intense as it has been recently. Also I had/have the same worry about food association for comfort as I was a heavy set child and had awful eating habits..I don't want that being him when he's older. I will give them a read when I get a bit of spare time ..(probably at midnight) Thank you very much @Bb2019

Best of luck ! Things will get better. And I know exactly what you mean - when other mums hear my baby cry for the first time they are horrified and think she must be in intense pain.... Nope she goes from 0 to 10 in a few seconds and that's just how she cries

Oh and I'm a first time parent too - we are all muddling along trying to do our best - and I know how hard it is where everyone else seems to have way easier babies and when others suggest really unhelpful things like "is it gas" or "try this mobile" or "do you think she's in pain"... Nope. She's just a higher needs baby...

@Bb2019 you are describing my 3 month old!!! Wow. Sounds like you cracked it - can I please ask, after the 1-2 mins crying did you then do a sling nap, trying again with the self soothing for the next nap? Thank you 🙏🏼

They do go through a bit of a regression at this age. Breastfeeding is really hard and mine would wake every 2 hours for a feed. My youngest had terrible reflux and could never be put down. It might be worth keeping a food diary to see if there is anything you are eating that could be impacting. Ignore the health visitor, breastfed babies absolutely need to be winded. I found them not very helpful when it came to breastfeeding and it was much easier once I linked in with a local breastfeeding group. Some of the replies above talk about starting sleep training - this very much depends on your child. Never worked with my youngest at all. So don't feel like you have failed if it doesn't work for you. Babies can't self soothe and this is something that only develops over many years. The first year is tough, especially first few weeks but then it starts to get easier. can any of the family/ friends step in to take baby for a few hours so you can rest?