Am I a neglectful parent for working full time?

[Al0ha]

My 17 month old son has recently started tantrums. These periods include screaming, scratching, biting, throwing. The usual bucket list you might expect.

I am usually really calm, talk to him in a low voice, give him cuddles, hold his arms firmly and explain we don’t hit etc etc. Very occasionally when I’ve reached my limit, I have shouted. I quickly apologise and we make up but the guilt is terrible.

I explained this to my MIL and she said he’s angry that “I’ve left him”. I work five days a week but two from home. When I’m home I always pop in every couple of hours for a 15 minute catch up with him and the nanny.

Could he really be behaving like this because I leave him during the week? During the weekends I always try to make up the time by taking him out to nice places and giving him as much attention as I can.

But could she be right? Is my working full time making him angry? Or is this just a normal toddler (who is also teething ((5 molars!)) and just another phase we have to get through. Feeling very guilty this evening...

It's a typical phase, nothing to do with you working full time.
Many many mums do the same.

Yes it would be lovely to spent more time at home with the kids but it's not always possible.
Take your MIL's comment which a pinch of salt, things were very different in the past and working environments along with attitudes have changed.

I've returned to work full time at 6m with both DD's, I was fortunate to WFH 1 day with DD2, but now they are both in school.

Don't be so hard on yourself, being a mum and working full time it a juggle and I'm sure you are doing a great job of both

My mom worked full time from when I was 3 months old, had full custody after my parents divorced when I was four and we have a great relationship now (I'm 38). Children will always misbehave, no matter what the mother is doing. I'm assuming your DH isn't staying home yet according to your MIL your DS doesn't seem to miss him at all ;)

Don’t listen to her that was an awful thing to say to you - usual toddler behaviour and would be same if you spent every waking minute with him xxx

No, you are not being neglectful - at this age screaming, scratching, biting and throwing is not him being naughty or misbehaving but critical development behaviour.

Ahh no, not at all. I have 2 who have both been like this and I’ve been a stay at home mum since they were born. It’s just toddler behaviour.

Of course not!! I was an absolute nightmare apparently at that age. My mum was a sahm. Tantrums are so normal and common!

Thanks so much all. Glad it’s not just me. Maybe it’s a generation thing! X

He's a toddler, it's normal. Does MIL also consider her son a neglectful parent for leaving his baby?

Crickey, sounds like he’s going through a rough patch! Hope he gets through it soon!

It doesn’t seem likely that his behaviour is anger at you being away - lots of mums work full time! I also doubt that your DH never had a tantrum at that age, there’s probably some rose-tinted specs going on there.

Dealing with tantrums - lots of different ways to do this, but it’s really helpful if all care-givers are on the same page - I assume you’ve discussed strategies with your nanny? What is her usual approach? Although obviously shouting isn’t ideal, doing it occasionally isn’t going to damage your relationship with DS and might teach him that it is possible to push someone too far - better that he learns that with you than with another child!

Best of luck. Try not to let your MIL get to you - if you can, remind her that she may be an experienced parent, but DS is YOUR child and you make the rules. These choices are between you and DH and it isn’t her business to question you or try to make you feel guilty.

That is a horrible thing for your mother in law to say!! You sound like an amazing parent. As other posters have noted, it’s all just a phase. 💐

Didn't she say her son, the father, is neglectful too...? Ah, of course not, that would be confusing to her double standard.

Op, ignore her ignorant and unhelpful comments. SAHP have tantrum toddlers too. Plenty of mums and dads work. For most people it isn't a choice, and even if it is, mothers going out to work has many benefits aside from for the mother - growing family bonds with other carers and increasing household financial stability for two obvious ones!