I just typed this all once & lost it & want to cry! Here goes again.....
DD(5) is generally a sweet & thoughtful little girl. But boy does she have a temper, and she is having violent/aggressive outbursts on an almost daily basis & I don’t know how to deal with it.
It’s almost always as we are getting ready to/about to leave the house for school and I feel like I am failing both her and my DS(9) by not having nipped this in the bud a long time ago 
I’m having difficulty with how to issue a punishment/consequence when we have to leave immediately. There isn’t always time for the naughty step as we’d be late for school.
If I give a consequence e.g. removal of favourite toy or tv/screen time, due to timing it cannot happen until after school and by then she’s forgotten what she did wrong in the first place, so it feels completely ineffective.
I’ve sat her down when we are both calm, explaining that it is not acceptable for her to keep hurting me or DS and setting out the consequence for her actions. She acknowledges it, says sorry but it never makes any difference when the red mist descends.
I want DS to feel safe in his own home & don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells around DD. I can see when it is brewing & there’s just no stopping it.
Today for example she wanted to take 2 things in to school to share. I could only find one & could see she was about to blow. I calmly explained I’ve looked all over but we were now out of time & asked her to put her cardigan & coat & shoes on as it was time to go. She screamed at me that it was the wrong cardigan, threw my hair straighteners across the room, scratched me and spat at me. There was no time for naughty step & I wasn’t going to lose my shit with her, so calmly picked up her coat & shoes & matched her outside, locked the house & told her to put them on. She screamed & cried halfway to school then stopped & said sorry. I told her her behaviour was completely unacceptable, But she’s had no punishment or consequence as of yet.
I will follow through with her usual toy removal consequence later but it just feels so pointless. It’s certainly not stopping her behaviour, just feels like we’re in a negative cycle of poor behaviour and punishment.
How would you deal with violence in this situation? What is a good consequence/punishment for violence? I want her to realise this is absolutely not acceptable and cannot continue.
Btw we’re not a violent family. No arguments, or hitting/smacking/shouting here. Except from her. Poor DS must have the patience of a saint as he’s never retaliated. He’s very gentle and we never had these issues with him.