How do you deal with tantrums/meltdowns from your kids?

[gerbilgirl]

Our 5 year old daughter is currently going through some horrendous meltdowns and whilst there may be some other factors as play as she is adopted, I was just after any ways in which people deal with their children whilst they are having a tantrum/meltdown.

It feels very much at the moment like our box of tricks is running out and she is actually getting worse (hitting, kicking, biting, throwing, spitting but to a much stronger degree than ever before).

We do keep the routine pretty stable and limit and preempt change as these can be major triggers for her but feel like we are running out of ideas. We try to contain her to her bedroom whilst she is like this to reduce the risk of damage (to her and the house!) and stay as calm as possible when talking to her (no easy feet today when I was being hit with a book), wondering with her why she may be feeling this way and how we can help her but to no avail.

We are currently awaiting some replies from our LA etc and school are being fantastic (she is amazing at school and only lets rip at home).

Any ideas gratefully received :)

Id do time out etx, but as she's adopted using isolation as a punishment might do more harm than good.

I have some experience of this as both my db (adopted) and my dd (trauma relating to disability and abusive handling by school) had these meltdowns up to the age of 10. Like your dd, both of them were perfectly behaved at school and around people who were not family.

The way my parents and I handled it was very similar: contain but not abandon, restrain gently but firmly (this was a necessity as there were siblings of a similar age or younger), never punish afterwards.

I used to hold dd from behind with one hand round each wrist so I could pull her mouth away from biting me and try to sit down on a chair to give me leverage. Keep one foot on the ground and wrap the other round her legs to restrain the kicking. And then just gently and firmly repeat the mantra "no, you are not going to hurt anyone, no I am not going to let you hurt anyone".

My parents and I were both convinced that they were not themselves during the meltdowns, so punishing afterwards would have made no more sense than punishing for lashing out in delirium during a fever. Dd once told me, a long time afterwards, that during those meltdowns she literally could not recognise me; it just felt like there was some evil monster there and she had to defend herself. So not much point in reasoning with her. But I am sure a calm loving presence did make a difference.

The good news is that both db and dd have grown up into kind, well-balanced adults. Db has proved a loving father and husband, dd and I are on excellent terms, neither of them is at all inclined to violence.

Hang in there: your love and strength and courage will teach her things about life that nothing else could.

Could you copy and paste this into the adoption section on here OP? It's under 'becoming a parent'. There's some lovely, experienced people there who may be able to help. My LO is adopted but much younger and tbh so far rarely has true meltdowns so I don't really feel equipped to give too much advice except try to 'ride the tantrum out' in that moment and show her you're there no matter what and resist the temptation to isolate her unless it's absolutely necessary (ie you feel that you're a going to lose control) and then try and discuss her feelings and coping strategies when she's back in control as you'll be fighting a futile battle trying to reason with her whilst she's mid tantrum and emotional. There'll probably be people who've been through just what you have on the adoption board so pop it on there and you might get much more response. Good luck and big hugs xx