I need to be more patient with my 3 yo. Can I have some help please?

[uberalice]

I'm feeling really bad just now. Several times a day I lose my temper with ds2 who's 3. He's a really lovely boy, and not really that naughty, but he's boisterous and often ignores me when I ask him to do something, so I end up asking him nicely about half a dozen times, and then exploding. He then gets upset and I apologise.

It's bothering me that these mixed messages are going to damage his self esteem in the long run as he's quite a sensitive boy. I know his behaviour is normal, and I can't expect anything better of a 3 yo, but I really need to learn to be more tolerant.

Can anybody offer any tips / advice?

i try to turn the mundane, boring everyday things that take forever to get them to do, like eating your breakfast, getting your shoes on, putting toys away etc into a game, rather than a battle of the wills.

i brought a food timer and if my ds is sodding about, i put the timer on and he will try to beat the timer and be the 'winner'. Or i bet you cant do whatever and kid him along. Ive tried giving stickers but that doesnt seem to work with him.

uberalice, sounds like you already do a good job. Do you ever get any time off from the kids for a bit of time to yourself?

Milamae - kids like to wind us up and get a reaction. By staying calm they are not getting a reaction.

For years, every morning, i hear my neighbour shouting at her DD to get ready for school, she doesnt swear or insult, just shouts get your socks on noooooow etc.

Her DD is now about 9-10 years old and she has now started shouting back at her mum, so every morning has turned into a shouting match and a battle of wills.

I know we are only human, get tired, stressed etc and its not always possible to stay calm. But as a rule i try not to shout.

Otherside. DS can focus very intently on what he is doing - even on his food, sometimes ( if it's a particular favourite). And there are times when I know he just doesn't want to finish his meal (not hungry or doesn't like it) and I don't make a fuss about that.
THing is, he has managed to pick up that fannying about at the table annoys me, and does it for effect sometimes. I suppose I ought to give him a warning and then take his meal away but I dislike a) waste and b) depriving him of food.

Book caled 123 magic helped me alot, it was like a miraculous cure.

I do still find myself becomming soo angry sometimes though. I count to ten/or twenty slowly in my head before reacting. Or will lock myself in the toilet so im seperated shortly from the little darlings, then come out and respond to them.

I think showing your angry is not all bad, but obviously it has to be controlled anger. Its easy to let them get you so wound up that you want to just snap into a response, which then becomes an uncontrolled angry response.

Parenting really isnt all its cracked up to be, is it?

Oh law3 now you say you TRY not to shout rather than you NEVER shout it like we are coming from the same standpoint.
We have a food timer in our house too!

MadameZ, sounds pretty normal attention seeking behaviour to me. I have seen threads about this problem before but can't remember the tips but I'm sure you'll find them.

madamez

I had teouble with dd1 as a toddler and the problem continued through to just about before she started school 2yrs ago, with regards to food. The advice i was given (and it worked) was to give her a meal, if she makes a fuss ignore it. Tell her she has a reasonable amount of time in which to eat a good portion of it, and if she doesnt do well enough or continues to make a scene then the dinner is taken away. I know you said you hat waste etc, but it may work out that in the long run she will waste less and less. If they dont eat what theyve been given or your not happy with the amount theyve eaten - be sure not to allow anything else until the next mealtime. This is the hard bit, because my god they go on and on. But you will reap the reward when the next mealtime arrives and all the meal is eaten because they are soo hungry.
I was worried about doing this with dd, because shes always been small/skinny. She was only 5lb10oz birth weight and was just boney. I was always concerned about her nutritional intake. When i first started this with her she virtually starved herself for a day or two and alot of food was wasted. But now she knows, she will eat what shes given or there will be nothing else. She eats so well now, complains sometimes but always makes a good effort, especially with new foods. And she has now grown a little tummy, the rest of her is still skinny, but she is far healthier too. Used to catch every bug and cold, nowadays shes rarely poorly.

other - food timer is the best £1.50 ive ever spent!! i have 3 ds's and 1 dss, 13, 13, 11 and 3 years old, over the years i have gone through every discilipine method etc i can think of, ive shouted etc im not claiming to be perfect!!

I have found shouting, confrontation with a toddler or a teenager to be very unhelpful and i go a long way to avoid it.

With my 3 year old, i have found a method that works for me, because it works i never get to the point of wanting to shout. I ask him to stop whatever, if he doesnt i give him the choice, you either stop or you sit on the step. If he doesnt stop i sit him on the step, ive just replaced shouting with a step, if you like!!!

madamez - sorry to harp on about the food timer, not sure how old your child is, but how about setting a food timer for say 10 minutes, it adds a bit of fun to mealtimes and also ensures they dont have to sit still for too long, if he has eaten enough in 10 minutes he gets a desert.

We used to use a timer but now its more informal time checking. When we have all finished plus a bit, if still not doing well enough it gets taken away.

Id like to add to my earlier thread, its also important not to be cross. Take the food away in a very matter of fact type attitude (inside youll probobly be seething), otherwise like its been said, they pick up on the fact that its wound you up so they do it more and more and mealtimes will become a battle ground.

I agree law with the continual shouting, I think most people don't do that. It's the keeping your calm for long periods of time eg all morning then 100 things happen at once and I loose it. Not in a nasty way but a stroppy shouty mummy way.

I used to worry about this a lot but think now kids need to see mums can't or shouldn't be calm all the time. Otherwise surely kids will think they're pretty inadequate as keeping your cool takes years of practise unless you're one of the few people lucky enough to be born with it.

Also real life really isn't that serene, I would of thought school would be a big shock- dinner lady dinner queue shouting is a daily occurance in most schools.

OT limiting coffee helps too, I'm far more patient if I've not had a double espresso, keep them for weekends now when I'm a lot calmer anyway.

milamae - If your kid started shouting at you, what would you do?

im not trying to be a smart arse, its just a while back i shouted at my now 13 year old and he started shouting back at me and when i told him dont shout at me, he replied well your shouting at me and i didnt have an answer for that one!!

Thats when i decided that i should be leading by example really.

Bit of a strange question. To answer I guess I would talk about how shouting at people isn't really on and reward the times she talks in a calm way when angry pointing out that we're all human and will all shout at times.

Seems to work for me. My kids don't tend to shout at me even though I shout now and again when at the end of my tether. Admittedly my 2 year old does when mid tantrum and I'm not giving her what she wants but she's 2 and I'd be kind of worried if she didn't. One of the boys sometimes shouts in frustration not at me but the situation. I'm fine with that, he goes to sit on the step to cool down like I do when at boiling point. Takes himself off at times.

Am thanking your neighbour must be shouting a lot more than just in the morning mid rush for her daughter to think shouting at her mother is ok. I have been known to screech get your shoes on when getting my 3 off to pre-school as I don't have the time to go through the whole half hour discussion thing at 9.15am. Does the trick pretty smartish and interestingly don't seem to have a kids shouting at me problem as a result.

Even more interestingly my niece is spoken to in a whisper pretty much most of the time and the way she talks to her parents at times is appalling.

Just saw the 2nd bit.

I have had a similar situation. Told my son off for shouting in a game he replied- but you do it. All I could say was well I try not to you need to try too.

I can be smug with hitting though. We never smack so if they hurt each other which they do now and again I can smugly say we don't hit you so don't hit your brother.

Wierdly I've never even been near smacking any of them it's just not a thing I ever feel I need or want to do but shouting is something however much I try I can't completely irradicate. I just think it's impossible and to to beat myself up about it is pointless. It's not continuously or even frequently out of a 12 hour day and at the end of the day we're only human. I get annoyed with all these books who say we have to be totally perfect parents all the time it's just not realistic.

Always eager to try though so how do you manage it or are you just naturally calm????

milamae - Its not all sweetness and lollipops in my house, i show disapproval, my tone of voice changes, stern looks etc, etc.

I know the feeling, trying to cook dinner, phone is ringing, 3 year old is running about like a nutter, climbing on the dog, throwing toys, older boys at bickering, mum tell him. Ive just replaced shouting with something else. I dont ask numerous times, i ask once, then consequence, that way i dont get to boiling point. Now they know they have one chance to comply, instead of 20, very rarely do i have to apply the consequence. Im also consistent, i mean what i say and stick to it.

The more boring everyday things,with my older boys its the computer, ps2 etc doesnt go on until you tidy your room, do your homework etc. With my 3 year old, i try to turn it into a game or kid him along, im going set the timer to 1 minute and lets see if we can get your shoes on before it rings. If he really wont comply, i pick him up sit him down and put them on.

Staying calm also has the added bonus of letting them now im in control of my emotions, not them, so they tend not to do things just to annoy me.

I found it doesnt take any more time, than it does shouting at them, might not work for everyone, but its worked for me.

I have a 3 year old and a baby and sometimes when they are both screaming/ misbehaving I end up sounding like a fishwife.

My technique is to shut my eyes for 10 or so seconds, block out the sound and imagine myself lying in the sun on a sail boat in the middle of a calm blue sea with the sails flapping in the wind and seagulls in the sky. It's just me for miles. (It's important to try and here the flapping- say to yourself 'flap flap' and 'caw caw' for the seagulls )

It really helps me to calm down and look on the bright side. Also the 'cawing and flapping' has the added benefit of shutting the 3 year old up- he thinks I'm mad.

'Hear the flapping' not 'here the flapping'

Sarahsails - thats brilliant made me laugh anyhow!!!

I think thats important too to try and keep a sense of humour, keep things lighthearted whenever possible.

Two techniques that seem to help with my boisterous 4.5 yr old twins: count down from 5, as others have mentioned this gives them a chance to comply which they normally do by the time I hit 3. second technique is to keep a bottle of rescue remedy in a cupboard somewhere. If you feel like shouting and suspect it might be a bit unfair, just walk away, go to the cupboard and have quick spray or drop of rescue remedy. I have no idea if rescue remedy actually works but the walking away from the situation is very calming .

And NEVER fail to follow through with the consequences you have given.

canadianmum - whats rescue remedy?? vodka or brandy!!!

You can get Bach's Rescue Remedy in Boots it's brilliant. Got me through 2 Ofsteds although we were all glugging it down by the bottle full at playtimes in the staffroom towards the end of one. Think I'd need it delivered by container lorry these days but had forgotten it was there might give it a go.

Really like some of these ideas.

So what do you say Law when you give the one chance??? I just don't want to belittle the naughty step. With my lot it would be in constant use if I used it for little things. It just seems a bit heavy handed to use it all the time.

I throw their food instantly in the bin now if they muck about at the table, one chance and that's it. I can't bear rowdy mealtimes and it does seem to work. I also always follow through which is why I'm very careful with giving out threats.

It's the little things that don't warrant the step that build me up to boiling point.

Am liking the seagull thing

milamae - What is this remedy do you drink it, spray it??

Thats the point i dont need to use the step hardly at all now because he knows i mean what i say. I use the step for behaviour i want to stop immediately, so if the kids are winding you up to the point where your gona loss it, that might be one big thing or lots of little things. I ask for it to stop, if he doesnt stop i will give him the choice either stop or you can sit on the step. Rather than telling him 10 times and giving him 10 chances and then losing it.

After 3 minutes of sitting him on the step i tell him mummy sat you on the step because you didnt stop when i asked you to and off he comes. You have sat them on the step, not for what they done, but because they didnt do as you asked.

As i said i will go a long, long way to avoid confrontation, turn it into a game, distraction, kidding, or try to make light of the situation if possible before it gets to that point.

I also tell them what i want them to do, instead of what NOT to do only a slight difference but works wonders, try it!!

For example boys playing football in the house i will tell them put the ball away in the cupboard, as oppose to stop playing football in the house.

Messing around at the dinner table, sit down, keep still and eat your dinner, as oppose to stop messing around.

3 year old bouncing on the settee, sit down on the settee, as oppose to stop bouncing.

3 year old hits the dog, stroke the dog gently, as oppose to dont hit the dog.