"Mummy, I think I may be a racist." Followed by wails and sobs ... WTF???

[ghosty]

OMFG ...
DS (8 in November) is going through a seriously weird stage right now and I need some help/support/advice ... it is doing my head in.
He came home from school the other day, he is often grumpy and hungry after school and if I don't 'play' it right we often end up with a melt down. So he had a meltdown about something (can't remember what started it) and when we were sitting having a cuddle and a 'calm down' he said the "I think I may be a racist" comment.
FFS!
So the conversation went like this (after my heart fell like a stone)
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: Well, I don't like XXX as much as the other children in our group
Me: Why don't you like him?
Him: Because he is mean and tells me I am no good at drawing
Me: OK (thinking hard). What about YYY?
Him: What about him?
Me: Do you like him?
Him: Yeah, he's cool, he's funny ... he makes me laugh. And he's good at soccer.
Me: So you can't be a racist can you?
Him: Can't I?
Me: No ...
Him: How come?
Me: Well a racist is someone who doesn't like someone PURELY because of the colour of their skin or PURELY because of the country/part of the world they come from. No other reason.
Him: Yeah ...
Me: So, XXX and YYY's mummies and daddies come from the same place. You like one and not the other ... so it can't be because of the colour of XXX's skin can it? You said you liked YYY because he is funny and you don't like XXX because he is mean.
Him: Oooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh
Me: So does that mean you are a racist?
Him: No, I guess not ...
Followed by big relief on his part and smiles and 'all's well with the world' ...
I was trying to explain to him that you like or dislike people according to how they treat you and how they behave. I also wanted to impress upon him that he didn't need to go the OTHER way and try hard to LIKE XXX just because of the colour of his skin - because that, in a way, isn't good either is it?

I had a fucking headache after this ...

Did I say the right thing? If I didn't, what should I have said?

He is such a thinker and a worrier ... we have conversations like this all the time and I am constantly on my toes thinking of how to answer these things correctly so that he grows into decent human being.

Last night we had a similar situation which started with many tears and "Mummy, I think I may be a Bully" ....

Am finding parenting a big burden right now ...

Thanks for reading this far ... feel free to tell me what you think ...

A couple of people I know have had the problem since childhood of 'not being able to get their minds to stop working' and their parents introduced meditation at a young age to get them to be able to chill out.

I have the same problem, but never had the meditation - they're alot calmer and more sorted than I am, because they can shut everythign off sometimes and just stop.

Hey Ghosty!

What you did sounds spot on! Honey..... you've had some good tips/advice here. You'll get through it as will your DS.

It's very sad how we feel we can't like someone nowadays in fear of being branded as a rasist. I think you handled it very well.

I really hate the way our society is thinking at the moment, i had a neighbour who was awful and not a nice person and was asian but i daren't say a word to anyone about how much i dislike him because people would think i was a rasist. If he were a white English man there wouldn't be a problem with me disliking him in everyone elses eyes

Here is what I think

Children come home from school very hungry. Cuddles and chats are very good of course but they don't help levels of blood sugar. I think you should either feed him immediately, or if you want to eat as a family, I think you should give him a snack to keep him going.

As for the racism stuff there is nothing more to say. You handled it absolutely right IMO in teasing out the issue then explaining the distinctions. Well done.

Did that sound patronising. If so sorry but I did mean the well done bit. So easy to gloss over things and not explain properly or set anxieties to rest.

Thank you Armadillo
I have been thinking of meditation too ... I recently started a Yoga for Beginners course for myself and the centre have a Yoga for children course and I am thinking it may be a way to teach him to shut his mind down. I am learning to meditate myself (I am not that good at it as I often fall asleep within about 5 minutes - LOL but I am getting a bit better).
I feel I have to be a bit careful though and tackle it carefully otherwise DS might get stressed in TRYING to calm himself down IYSWIM?

Soapbox, thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me and post such long fab posts. I really appreciate it
What you say is so spot on ... and makes so much sense to me. I feel better already seeing that DS needs to forge deeper friendships outside the family circle.

The problem we have is that we have recently moved away from New Zealand to Australia. He was in such a fantastic little foursome of like minded little boys in NZ (a little group of clever, mildly geeky lads - they were so brill together) and then in April we moved here and he had to start all over again. He has done so well, and I am so proud of him - he has been so brave and grown up (with a few teary sessions wishing he was still with J, J and H). There don't seem to be any like minded boys in his class and he has found himself trying to mould to a new group that in itself is great but he has had to readjust himself to be 'accepted' if you know what I mean? This group is more outdoorsy, more physical, more rough and tumble than he was used to and he has done a grand job meeting the challenge. For example he already supports an Australian Football team and takes his ball in to share with the group at play time. His best friend is now a girl (a complete tomboy but a girl nonetheless) and in NZ he wouldn't have been seen dead with a girl at school (germs ) ... so he has had to adjust to that. Also, he has had to deal with the jealous OLD best friend of this girl ... again he has dealt well with it.

God, am rambling AGAIN - this can have no interest to you ...
What I am trying to say is that right at the time he should be feeling good about himself within his friendships (as you so eloquently explain) he has been hoiked out of school and had to start again.

And interestingly, MY parents moved around a lot too when I was a child and so history repeats itself and that explains why he seems so much like me and why I understand deep down what it is with him, although, up until today I couldn't put my finger on it.

I will look at your list of books and see what I can find ...

BacktoBasics ... I see what you say and it was something that I wanted to make sure DS understood - that it IS ok not to like someone if they treat you badly. It isn't normal to like every single person you meet is it?

Hurlyburly ... My DS eats like a horse and eats constantly. If we walk home from school I make sure I have something for him to eat on the way home. If we go by car he eats the minute he walks in. Sometimes he melts down regardless of the food thing. And he is a skinny thing, I don't know where he puts it ...
And no, you weren't being patronising - you were lovely

you handled it perfectly ! well done : ) you sound like a great mum xx