Am I a Bad Mother?

[LittleMy34]

Feeling like the worst mother in the world right now - 16 month old DS is going through a bad patch of separation anxiety, mostly at night (won't go to sleep unless one of us is there stroking his head, wakes up in the night and wants to sleep in our bed etc etc) and being tired and cross the other day I lost my temper completely....

We were out and I had two bags to carry and no buggy, and he wouldn't walk home (not far) but wouldn't let me carry him either. He was tired and needed his nap and was crying but every time I picked him up he'd arch his back and start screaming. So I shouted at him and threatened to leave him behind! He had a complete meltdown and screamed all the way home, worse than I've ever seen him to the point where I thought he would explode!

Now I feel like I've made his separation anxiety so much worse, and probably damaged him for life......

Anyone had similar experiences? Any tips on dealing with separation anxiety (I'm assuming threats and shouting aren't the best way.....)

Mine is the same - age and attitude. You're really not a bad mother, you're just tired and stressed.
When Ds starts the back-arching thing, I just lie him down (no mean feat sometimes!) and let him get on with the yelling until he's calmed down enough to come for a cuddle.
Don't worry about doing it - Ds's tantrums are getting shorter cos he realises there's no point to it.
And with the sleep thing, try not touching him, just sitting nearby shushing, then moving gradually away.
Keep smiling and have a glass of wine

Little, just wanted to say, we've ALL been there. OK so you know SuperNanny would not approve, your own instincts told you that, but I have to say I found 16mo a hard time...remember the arching back thing all too clearly (a traumatic episode in the National Railway Museum springs to mind!!!)

He will not remember it I promise you.
Kiddies are very forgiving.

It is just a stage and you must not beat yourself up. You are doing your best.

Yep. I've had similar experiences loads of times and I even had one today in the shopping centre. ds (2.5) in total meltdown as the entire shopping centre looked on. I was there with my other three doing a last minute school shoe shop. It was horrendous. I too had bags.

It's completely understandable that you lost it and shouted at him. You were having a terrible time and that matters.

Obviously it's better to get down to his level, talking in a deep authoritative voice and blah blah but, realistically, you were having a dreadful time and your options were limited.

So give yourself a big break and a de-stressing treat. Let yourself off. It's really tough when they're this age and creating.

you aren't a bad mum! there's only so much anyone can take!

In fact, reading all these posts is making me realise that I have got that all to look forward to again with the next little monkey. Must remember to book the whole month of 16 months out on the calender and carry a whole bottle of brandy around with me concealed in changing bag.

Tee hee!!!!

Firstly, don't beat yourself up about the shouting incident (we all lose our rag with our darling lo's from time to time - that is human)

16 months was tricky with my ds too, because that is really when some of the less appealing "toddler" behaviour began to emerge. So, are you sure that all of your child's behaviour is related to fear of separation, or could it partly be an experiment in attention seeking? You could try some of the following (they all work, most of the time, for me)

1.Separation anxiety - there is a wealth of information about how to deal with fear of this - make sure that you are very clear if you have to leave your ds - tell him in advance Mummy is going out, but she will be back in (insert here) minutes" and STICK to it!! Reassure him that you will not leave him anywhere, and that when you do go away you will be back in the time that you said.

2. For some people it is a dirty word, but routine is very important because it gives security and structure to a day. Make sure ds eats and naps and plays at more or less the same times every day - obviously allow some flexibility for normal life. When children "know what comes next" they worry less that things are beyond their control.

3. Perhaps start to think about the type of techniques you want to use to discipline a fractious toddler - naughty step/ time out etc. And start implementing it now. Most importantly start to ignore low level "bad" behaviour and pay lots of attention to "good" behaviour.

4. Start to use choices - when my ds acts up I actually ask him "do you want to walk or be carried?" "do you want to hold this hand or that hand?" Only give young children 2 choices though (and make sure that both options are ones that YOU are happy with!)

And don't worry, you are obviously a very caring, concerned parent, who had a very normal "difficult" parenting moment.

Thank you all, you've made me feel so much better! For some reason I had a terrible fear of my mum leaving me behind when I was little, so I think I feel like I've said the worst thing I could possibly say to him ever. Actually you're all quite right, he probably doesn't remember it even now and certainly not when he's eighteen!

We are definitely seeing signs of toddler tantrums emerging, we're trying to do lots of rewarding good behaviour and ignoring bad unless it's really bad, but my goodness it's tricky. Especially when you've just got in from work and you're feeling knackered anyway!

Thank you Mumsnetters, you're always ace.

Just posted a thred recently about the exact same thing.
You are not alone.
Chin up

thread

It's all a massive power struggle really!

We all know what we should do, but I bet that most of don't do that at the time.