Concerned about 6 year old's anxiety & sensitivities

[ilovecatsandcacti]

Hi,
My 6 year old DS (though he's nearly 7) is causing me periodic concern (and sometimes just annoyance!)

The thing that drives me most bonkers is his unwillingness to get dressed. He CAN do it, but it takes him a long time and lots of chivvying, and he gets distracted really easily. Any attempts to make it a race, to praise him for doing it, reward charts etc are fruitless, they tend to just upset him. He hasn't complained about any particular sensitivities with clothes.

Getting his shoes on is particularly hard. he just won't undo them to out them on and has asked for slip ons. Today he told me that he doesn't like the sound or feel of velcro, but he also told me it's just too 'hard' to lean down and do it So I don't know if it's a genuine sensitivity or just unwillingness.

He is generally a bright, curious and chatty boy but I would say quite immature for his age. He is cautious and generally quite anxious - doesn't like scary films, won't go anywhere alone (including upstairs/downstairs without us), and he picks his nails to the quick and sucks his fingers, both normally when idle/watching screens (which he is obsessed with!). He has some sort of separation anxiety about school, says he doesn't want to go most days and has had periods or crying/refusing to go. School say he is fine once there and they have no concerns about him (he is generally really well behaved at other settings).

He has a few other sensitivities (fussy eater, can't stand the smell of our car so won't breathe through his nose for all journeys, dislikes hair cuts, hair being brushed, water on face, bit funny about things being done in even numbers, sitting at the same place at the table every day).

He occasionally has huge meltdowns about some of these things although often these are when he's tired and/or hungry.

DP doesn't think there's anything wrong and said he was similar as a child (admittedly we're both highly sensitive, anxiety-prone and we're both skin pickers!) And as school have no concerns it makes me think I'm just being over-anxious and over-thinking things.

But if anyone has tips on the getting dressed front that would definitely help!

Oh and we've had terrible times at parties - either they're too loud when they're a sound system and we've literally spent the whole party out of the room where it's taking place, or he won't join in because he finds the competitive element of party games really difficult.

He also finds it very difficult to speak to adults he doesn't know, and will generally make me speak for him. If they try to 'banter' with him he just doesn't get it.

I think a lot of what you're saying is normal/signs of a sensitive child eg scared of films, a pain to get dressed, finger sucking etc. Also not wanting to talk to adults he doesn't know, again I wouldn't see that as an issue. I know some children are very confident, but everyone is different.

The only thing which stood out to me was the refusal to breath through his nose in the car due to the smell, as that makes it sound quite extreme rather than just a dislike of the smell? And you mentioned about being particular/disliking a lot of things but only actually melting down when he's tired of hungry, how often does that happen? Eg when you take him to have a haircut, is he fine the majority of the time despite openly disliking it?

I think it's the extent to whether it's impacting on his daily life is the key thing here. Has he gotten worse with age, or has it improved, or not changed? We all go through stages. I was a very anxious/sensitive child at times, I remember the smell of some cars making me feel sick, I used to chew my hair (!), be sick with worry when my mum went out for an evening, and was also in my parents' bed until I was about 10!

Thank you for replying. Yes, I think this is the problem I'm having, I can't work out what's on the normal scale of sensitive and what isn't.

The car thing is odd, it's only in our car not, say, my parent's which he's in regularly. It doesn't smell of anything much to us. However he maybe associates it with long journeys during which both children have been car sick. I think it's just become a habit but I don't know how to break it. I've tried nosegays and everything. It impacts us on longer journeys as he won't eat or drink anything in the car due to it.

The meltdowns are really variable, they can sometimes happen several times a day, or a week and sometimes we'll go without one for a week or so. They're usually at the end of the day and almost always with me.

With haircuts, he'll go through phases where he manages certain situations (eg the barbers) despite openly disliking it and refusing to talk to the barber (and to be fair, they often kept trying to convince him to use the clippers which he won't go near, plus spraying water liberally near his face), but then later will point blank refuse to go back.

It's hard to say how he's gotten with age. It;'s like some fears have subsided and been replaced with others (balloons and the cinema used to be a no no) . He's got fussier about food - was already pretty fussy to begin with. He's got better with films and will tolerate some tame ones. He's got slightly more rigid about bits and bobs and is a bit obsessed with screens. We can hardly ever do parties, they're either too loud or the games are too competitive or both!

It worries me that he wakes up every day saying over and over that he doesn't want to go to school.

I also forgot to say that I think he has a transient tic. It's like a throat clearing thing.

I'm also a bit concerned that he's going to get infected toe- or finger- nails, as he picks them so far down they bleed sometimes.

Hmm. I think maybe he does sound like he's a more extreme sensitive. The not eating or drinking anything in the car, that sounds quite extreme and like it's gone beyond a habit? Unless he's just very very strong willed (iron willed hehe!).

Also the hairdressers, has he always been like that? How long has he been having his haircut and how regular? As I guess you'd think he'd have gotten used to it by now?

I'm by no means a child expert though, I just have a fairly sensitive boy (4yo) but he's much less rigid. Your DS does sound quite rigid? How is he in school, with friendships etc? Could he maybe have some form of sensory processing disorder?

With parties, does he still enjoy things like softplay on his own terms eg with family or friends? Parties can be overwhelming in fairness and he's still little. My DS has developed a dislike for happy birthday singing recently which is awkward ha but at his own party we promised DH would pick him up while everyone sang (it was a joint party, otherwise we wouldn't have bothered) and he was fine. And he doesn't meltdown, he just gets stroppy/cross. He moves on from things very quickly though. Does your DS move on from his meltdowns/tantrums quickly or does it tend to ruin your whole day?