HELP - severe Toddler tantrums after new baby

[crowka]

My 3 year old boys behaviour has gone crazy. He was so excited about baby, and when baby arrived he was so kind and caring it melted our hearts. 1 week in and that’s all changed. At bed times, our eldest turns into an absolute nightmare- hours screaming, hitting, kicking and constantly testing to see what he can get away with. We’ve tried gentle parenting ( what we normally follow) but the tantrums are so extreme and long it’s not possible to just wait it out when we have a newborn waiting in a bath, feeds and bed too. It’s always around bedtime and the other night he even woke screaming he hated me and our baby and wanted us downstairs. We’ve tried keeping the routine as it was before baby but our eldest is refusing that too and demands different things several times a night until eventually he just goes to sleep. We’ve also tried the strict approach but that enraged him and it just lasts longer and longer. He says a lot he doesn’t want me anymore which is really hard to hear. I got severe post natal after him and medicated to keep on top of it and work hard to build a really strong bond with him. I feel like overnight it’s all ruined. In the day he is adorable with our newborn and kind and caring. We shower him with attention to try and ease him into being a big brother and help him feel secure but it’s not making any difference to the night time. Help - any others like this? What did you do? I was expecting something but not to this severity. I’m running out of ideas and I’m getting down about it.

Oh, huge hugs. This is so hard, i know gow heartbreaking it must be. I don't know if i can offer you any advice, but just a few weeks in its still so so so early and you're all getting settled still. Might it be worth getting DH to take the lead on your DS and you stay with the baby one night, and then swap over the next night?

He'll get settled, your bond will survive, and your family will find a new and wonderful normal.

Thank you so much - I needed to hear that and fingers crossed it doesn’t last very long. Yes I think we’ll try the swapping and see if that helps. Thanks for taking the time to help x

Oh OP, it's hard. I hope last night wasn't too bad.

You talk on how he feels about the baby, but really it's about how he feels about you. They worry that you don't have time for them any more or love them as much.

I think it helps if you can talk it through and allow space for negative feelings like anger and frustration rather than trying to wish them away. So in the daytime I'd say 'you get angry in the evenings. Are you sometimes cross that me and dad have to help the baby instead of playing with you', 'it can be annoying when the baby cries, she's just trying to tell us she wants something' etc.

Then continue to lovebomb him, explain you love him and always will, he's still your special baby too. Plus one to one time with you every day, even if it's only a few minutes.

Are you putting them to bed together? Your choice but if it was me I'd keep your DS' bedtime routine separate for now. They only advise bathing newborns once a week or so. We used to keep the baby with us in the evenings at that tiny age.

I think if you can help him process feelings in the day then he might not be so pent up at night.

I have a 3yo and 8mo. It's helped to remember the 3yo is basically a psychopath in terms of empathy (which is normal developmentally). When the baby cries she doesn't care what he feels, she only cares that he's disrupting her.

HTH

Hi, Corduroyal,

Thanks - I’ve worked really hard the last few days on getting 1-1 time and it’s been better - I’m also lying with him whilst he falls asleep again (couldn’t before as I’ve had a c section) and that quite cuddle time is precious to both of us so it’s nice to get that back.

Fingers crossed it’s working at the moment but dad goes back to work next week so it will change again so I’m bracing myself for more but feel a bit more able to deal with it and not take it personally x