Is my son selfish?

[Silveryfox]

Do any of you have a chronic long term condition and find that your kids just dont care?

I'm a 47 year old single divorced mum of a 10 yr old boy and I work part time. He is the most loving affectionate child, and so caring about everyone.... except me. I grew up in a house where my parents practiced physical punishment (it was the 70s, 3 levels of physical punishment, plus LOT of shouting, shaming and abandonment used as punishment too) so I swore I would parent differently. Thos is not to say I am a permissive parent - far from it, but I have from the start talked to my son and explained, treated him like a person and not a possession like I've seem some other parents do. I give warnings, and times count downs so he knows consequences are coming etc. I've always listened to him, and as I was bullied and ignored as a person not only by my mother but classmates all through school, college and into work, so I have gone out of my way to be empathetic, be on his side, and defend him.

However, I have some sort of chronic long term exhaustion, some low vitamin levels which I'm attempting to address now as I had no idea about them before last summer, and I was diagnosed with central and obstructive sleep apnea last september which I'm now being treated for. I had to have 3 months off work from Aug-Nov last year and then for some reason went back downhill last weekend, was having problems sleeping on my cpap machine and the exhaustion hit me again so I've been signed off sick again. I struggle to get through the day, but obviously still have to do all my mum duties, look after me and my son, cook, clean etc.

For years now, my son has kicked up a stink if I want to go to tesco or do any sort of supermarket shop or even go into town, unless it's to get something he wants, I also have anxiety and depression and struggle going to large open places like supermarkets so do better when hes with me (everyone says I should go in school hours bug I cant handle going by myself, I feel like everything is pressing down on me, the space etc). I pick him up from school after I finish work, so some days I need to take him with me to a doctors appointment (although I avoid dr appointments if I can - hate going, and I have neglected myself for a long time because of that) or if I have to pop to the local shop to get a fee bits. All I get is complaints and moaning and "fgs mum, WHY do we have to go here?? I just want to go home!!" Etc etc etc etc etc. For his dad and his wife he is the epitome of the one haired angel, polite, respectful, accepts his dads and his wife's authority, despite the fact they treat him like a 5 year old, and isnt allowed any electronics at their house - his only entertainment there is colouring books and reading books, or sometimes they'll watch a film. At my house, I do everything. For him. Everything that I am, everything that I have, everything I earn, all my time, love, what little energy I have, it all goes on him. And the thanks I get? He cannot even allow me to pop to the surgery to pick up a prescription for myself without moaning and making it quite clear he doesmt give a shit about me. If I tell him off, he just says sorry, then the behaviour continues. If I take away phone or playstation privileges he improves his behaviour and is nice to me. So I think hes learned his lesson and deserves them back, and it all starts again. The other day was my birthday, and despite knowing that I know my mum bought the present he gave to me, he tried to tell me he bought it himself with his own money (he has some saved in a bottle in his room). I was really touched at the thought hed done this, and that my mum had just forgotten to tell me. A week later and were chatting and she tells me he told her hed said hed bought it with his own money and when she asked why he did that, he said he was trying to get me to allow him more time on the playstation!! (He's only allowed to play on it mondays, wednesdays and Saturdays but his friends are on their PS's every day). I do have rules, I do have boundaries, I do practice consequences, but with my health the way it is I am sinking. I feel hes turned into a sometimes quite selfish child, but only with me. My health has had a negative effect on our lives the last few years, I've been so exhausted that our oce active life together, going to lots of interesting places has been severely curtailed. Ive tried to make up for it in other ways, but he talks to me and treats me like dirt sometimes and I dont know why OR how to address it. I'm the only one hes like this with. He'd never DARE talk to his father or his wife the way he does to me. His father treated me the same, and I left him after 5 years. It's made me feel even worse about myself than I did before. Just as a last point - I've never had a good relationship with my mum due to how she treated me from a baby, growing up and into adulthood - she is a very passive aggressive person, that I'm only just learning how to deal with in my 40s. When I got old enough tp leave home, I couldnt wait to get away - so I'm also worried that this will happen with my son too. I'm feeling very fragile, so please please be gentle with me 😭 TIA

Hi there, first sorry you haven't been well and hope you are feeling better soon. TBH you sound quite down more generally and i wonder if you are maybe overthinking or over analysing your son's behaviour. He is only a ten year old boy - they aren't generally known to be selfless and caring and do generally moan about appointments and stuff. He probably feels a bit less secure with his dad and stepmum and so is better behaved - all kids are worst for their parents. I am not trying to say its ok for him to be rude etc but you punish him appropriately and set boundaries and nothing you report sounds very extreme - a bit of spoofing about your birthday present and moaning etc. It is not his fault you are his sole main carer etc - that's what parents do. As I say i think you sound quite down and you might be better to see your GP about that. Otherwise you maybe risk making him feel guilty about caring for him etc and over thinking his behaviour.

Just to add - I left his father when my son was 11 months old, he's never been subjected to any arguments or the abuse his dad put me through. We've been apart since late 2010. I'm not asking for him to be my carer, but I dont think, bearing in mind all I do for him and the fact it is just me and him, that it's too much to ask for a little bit of empathy. He never ever has to fight for my attention, ever, if he has anything bad happen to him (bullying at school etc) I'm straight there, because yes that's what parents do. But he has zero understanding or empathy for me, his mother. He knows I have health problems. I don't understand it. Every single night, I sit on his bed and chat with him about his day or anything at all that he wants to discuss. When I pick him up from school I chat to him about how school went, etc. I'm not asking him to care for me in a carers role, but I dont know what to do.

Not your fault at all, but maybe your health problems scare him so he's showing his sadness as anger?

He honestly sounds within the normal realms of a preteen tbh. Some will be empathetic and more caring but he perhaps just hasn't quite developed those skills yet (as I would've thought most 10YOs haven't really) I can see why it upsets you but really he's just expressing himself and if you try and quash that with punishment I reckon it might just give him an even shittier attitude come adolescence tbh. If you were experiencing abuse from your ex whilst he was a small baby and in utero then however much you think he wasn't affected it probably DID affect him to some degree. This is a crucial time of brain development where the 'fight or flight' part of the brain in particular is growing rapidly and baby is learning all about what or who they can trust in the world. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but just to help you better understand him. Perhaps try having a conversation about why he hates you running your errands so much and that you wonder if it could be that he's anxious about your health problems. The first key to overcoming a feeling like this is identifying it. And in doing so you're also showing empathy for him which will help him develop the empathy you wish him to have and it's giving him chance to express any concerns you might not even realise he has. Ultimately just remember that if he's being a bit awful to you it's because he feels safe enough to treat you this way. This doesn't make it right but it means he probably thinks a lot more of you than you might think he does. Be firm and set boundaries but remember that empathy can't really be 'taught' or 'enforced' it has to be learned. Good luck and I hope things improve soon xx

I asked him why he is like this about coming with me, and he either says he doesnt know or (more likely) that he just wants to play on his playstation and going anywhere other than straight home after school takes time away from that. For me it's more about the fact that my whole life my family and certain friends and people like my ex-husband always poopoo'd my decisions etc. Always had to belittle me, make me second guess my reactions and decisions about my life. Now it's just me and my son, and everything I ever do is for and about him and even then I'm questioned and my authority in how I run our lives is fought, questioned and I'm made to feel guilty for doing all these things despite the fact everything is on my shoulders, I'm getting old and my health is failing yet everything is down to me, his father does the bare fucking minimum, earns 70k a year yet withholds so much from my son, does nothing for him and he looks up to his dad like hes god, nothing is ever a problem, but me? I do and give everything yet he cannot even come to bloody tesco or to the surgery to pick up a prescription that I need for a change and suddenly all hell breaks loose. I drag myself through every day. Some days I feel suicidal through feeling so bad, but still I do everything, which isn't a problem I want to do everything for him, but I'm struggling and he KNOWS that, I cant understand why he sees it all, knows I've been off work, my mum has even told him how I'll I am, all I want is for him to stop the meltdowns every time we have to do something that doesnt necessarily directly benefit him. He DOES have empathy - just not for me. And when you feel so bad that some days you want to die because you feel so bad, the moaning, whining and selfishness is just a step too far for me. It pushes me over the edge. I have no support. I earn minimum wage part time, I'm alone and have no life, no holidays, no girls nights out, no down time, just constant slog and struggle and worry, and all I can think about is what would happen to him if I was suddenly no longer here.

I sympathise with you I really do but your child is just that, a CHILD. It's his job to grow up not to care about you. And TBH from what you've just said it sounds like your frustrations are not really with him but other people in your life who let you down. I realise you're struggling but you're describing some really quite abstract concepts and scenarios that I think some adults would struggle to really empathise with never mind a child. Honestly I would just try not to be too hard on him and seek help from a professional or a support network not your kid. If you're too hard on him about things that are pretty out of his control then he will only rebel more as he goes further into adolescence. PS it may well be this. TBH I'm 34 and still get ratty if something stops me having downtime after work. School may well be exhausting for him and he may just need that time to offload and forget himself for a bit before he has to jump to even more responsibilities. Empathy works both ways. I feel for you and I hope you don't think I'm being too harsh but please just try not to blame your son too much for the issues you're having. Take care xx

You're expecting WAY too much from him. And you brought him into this world - he owes you nothing. I think you're being a martyr, sorry.

I just reading your second post - I think you definitely need to go get some professional help re your mood - how can you expect a wee ten year old to empathise or shoulder all that unhappiness - and would you want him to know that’s how you feel

You're projecting all your angst on to your poor kid, and you need to stop. He's 10. He's your child, not your partner, and it's not his job to support you emotionally. Of course he doesn't like running errands with you, he's 10! Stop trying to guilt him into feeling bad for you, it's not his fault you're in this situation. You should be protecting him from the tougher parts of your life, not ramming them down his throat in a quest for sympathy! I don't mean to be harsh but you seriously need therapy before you do him permanent damage, if you haven't already.

I really think your attitude needs readjusting op, I know you're trying your best but some of the phrases you're using made me well up with tears, it's so familiar but I was the child. You cannot. Cannot!!! Put your emotional well-being onto a child! He will be picking this up.

He's a child, and still a v young one. Fine to explain that you can't physically do something today, but you need to tackle your ADULT problems and shield him from them when they become psychologically damaging.

You're heaping far too much onto his childhood shoulders, he's barely had time to develop emotional intelligence, and what you're doing (unable to cope shopping alone) will be scary, stressful and awful for him.

He's your child, not your partner, you desperately need to get therapy and stop bringing him into the adult world, it's not fair and he will not recover from it if you continue down this path. Whether you "do better when he's with" you or not, you're pushing your inability to cope onto him,my heart is hurting for him being your emotional blanket when he's not ready to handle his own emotions let alone yours!!!

Please re read your op and get help. STOP this dynamic with your son.

Also, none of his behaviour is abnormal or selfish.. that's what 10 yr olds are like. They're navigating relationships, pushing boundaries. He isn't abnormal or bad. You're just expecting too much from him almost like he's a husband. Your self harming thoughts, having "no life" or enjoyment, you need to get yourself to your GP for help, medication, therapy, whatever. Talk to them because you're not in a fit state and you need to get support. NOT from your little son!!