Really worried about social/emotional (age 6)

[Lookingforreassurance]

Hi all,

I’m in bits about this and would really love to hear from anyone who’s come out the other side (or not) of a similar thing.

My 6 year old daughter is sweet, funny and clever. She’s also an absolute nightmare for teachers, Rainbows leaders, summer camp staff etc because she struggles big time to manage in a group.

Tonight we decided not to go back to Rainbows because it was the 4th or 5th week they’ve taken me aside afterwards to raise concerns about her crying and shouting and being out of control when not chosen first / having her pencil accidentally nudged etc. We’ve had the same story from school and other group settings, so it’s definitely accurate and not someone who just doesn’t like her much.

She’s a strong willed child, for sure, but we don’t get the hysteria at home. It’s always been a group issue. We talk about it at home with no effect. We name and validate feelings, we read stories where the characters make good and bad choices. We reflect when things have gone badly and praise when they have gone well. I’ve read endless bloody books. I’ve waited, hoping it will “click”, but it hasn’t. She’s a massive perfectionist and can just about cope with her frustration when she feels it at home, but the group “overwhelm” coupled with frustration makes her explode.

She was a very high needs baby- walking and talking at 9 months but didn’t sleep through once till she turned 3. At playgroups as a tot, she was always sensitive and never joined the others when they surged towards someone blowing bubbles, or to take a sticker. She wanted those things, but was nervous of the crowds and would hang back. Still is - huge meltdown at a party last year because she didn’t join the scrum when a piñata opened, and then there was nothing left. Scared of hand driers in bathrooms. She has a strong sense of justice, which is easily integrated / managed at home, but in groups with other children, her perception of injustice inflates wildly. And then her reaction is totally disproportionate.

We’re a small family - parents, one kid, one cat and dog. But she’s always gone to groups, had play dates, and we have a shared garden where she plays with neighbour kids. She’s had lots of practice.

Feeling lost and helpless, afraid she’s going to alienate her peers (she does now have a good group of lovely friends at school, but they’ll probably get sick of the melodrama as they get older).

I find it really gutting every time I get taken aside and told what a nightmare she’s been. She’s so lovely and has many brilliant qualities, but she won’t show them in these situations and I don’t know how to help her!

If anyone has experience of similar and can make me feel better, please do.

Thank you so much xxx

I really recommend that you read The Explosive Child. It has changed my way of thinking about and relating to my son. It’s early days but it has made me feel so much better about me, him and all of us.

Thank you @Jillyhilly - ordering it right now! Appreciate your suggestion x

Good, @Lookingforreassurance! I will be interested to see what you think of it. It is so awful to be told that your beautiful child is a “nightmare”, just heart-breaking. As I said I am early days with this, but feeling hopeful. The book makes you think about your child much more constructively - rather than “why can’t she do this she’s had plenty of practice”, which is so sad and frustrating for everyone, you see that she doesn’t currently have the skills to do it. And then what you can do, collaborating with her, to help her develop those skills. It is a long path to be sure, but will give you some help and reassurance. And maybe others will be able to give you some other suggestions 😀

Thanks again @Jillyhilly It really is heartbreaking. I know she’s hard work but I also know there’s so much more to her, and that she doesn’t get any joy out of behaving this way. The book sounds really helpful!

I also found "The Explosive Child" very helpful for understanding and managing my DS.

Given the level and kind of difficulties your DD is having, have you considered going to your GP and asking for DD to be to be assessed? She sounds a bit similar to my DS who was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 6. DS was also much better at home (or one-to-one with adults in general) than at school or among groups of peers. Needing to be first, perfectionism, strong sense of fairness, needing to not have his things moved or touched, failing to cope in a group.... those were also some of DS's ASC signs. DS was outgoing and did have friends; he was more physically aggressive than your DD but that only meant that physical aggression was how he responded to the stress as a child, whereas your DD has tears and tantrums instead.

I'm not saying your DD does have an ASC or any other condition but it's worth looking into so that if she does she can get the help she needs as soon as possible. There can be very long waiting lists for assessments. DS was assessed for all sorts of things at first, after initial assessment they homed in on ASC more. We used "Explosive Child" while waiting for assessments (as well as afterwards, in combination with ASC-specific strategies) as it doesn't rely on any diagnosis at all.

Oh, and just to say - it was a long road but DS is living away from home as a happy university student now. And I met lots of other similar kids after DS was diagnosed and in different ways they're doing well as young people now.

Thanks @amaryllis - it does sound like they share a lot of traits. ASC has occurred to me a couple of times over the years and then I google aspergers in girls and the characteristics don’t tend to match. So I haven’t investigated further, but I think it would be worth checking out. It’s kind of scary. Stupid really because obviously she’s who she is, regardless of any label, so it doesn’t change anything, but somehow it seems daunting anyway. I’ve emailed the school to ask for a chat about things, I don’t know whether they have any assessment systems for these things, but will speak to gp if the school doesn’t offer this. It’s such a fine line between wanting to “fix” this and not making it into a huge deal where she feels like she’s faulty or something. Gah! Children. Thanks again and it’s encouraging to hear that your soon is doing so well! X

I agree it's not an easy thing to do Lookingforreassurance. It was scary for us too. But you've done the right thing emailing the school.

One advantage of following it up young is that my DS has always accepted his diagnosis, it's been a natural part of his life and it doesn't hold him back. Children vary so much, quite often he doesn't have a problem at all even when some other people with ASCs might. It's just been a good way of understanding at the times when he does have a problem.

Your DD is lucky to have you in her corner.

Thank you @amaryllis