how can i help my4yo ds1 to cope with shyness?

[FussyGalore]

i was painfully shy as a small child too, so i know the feeling... but i have no idea how to help him. i grew out of it in the end.

he is fine once he knows a person, but for eg, buying shoes yesterday; lovely smily friendly, but not overly inyourface young lady speaks to him, to ask him to stand up or walk or if he likes the shoes... whatever... and he just literally crumples up and goes floppy in my lap, hiding his face and refusing to speak. the more anyone tries to coax anything out of him (and he likes the shoes so its not that), the more he shuts down.

its not really any big deal. not holding him back developmentally, and he establishes friendship etc at nursery/school... but i do remember feeling trapped by my shyness as a child and wishing i could come out of my corner and enjoy things, but not feeling like i had any way to do that, if that makes sense.

obviously, saying 'dont be silly' etc doesnt help. but neither does the 'howtotalk etc' approach of stating it 'youre feeling really shy arent you?'... he just seems to shut down so quickly, that if i had the right thing and said it fast enough, i reckon i might be able to stop him going completely into his shell...

should i just leave it alone?

Hi what about a drama group, or kick boxing to gain confidence?

I was shy too. Don't coax him. If he is scared, being told not to be won't help. I think in general when children are scared it is better to acknowledge their fears rather than dismiss them.

What if you curled up next to him and said something like "I know it can be scary but what if I count to 10 and we try talking to the lady together. If you don't like it, we can hide again". That way maybe he will feel safer trying to talk to new people as he knows you are doing it with him and he can escape if he needs to.

Don't know if this is the answer but sympathise as remeber how awful it was as a child.

he will be in reception full time in september. hes been at the school before, in the nursery class, and i know he gets a lot out of it, and also finds it tiring. hes a little aprehensive of starting in reception (and there not being cars in his classroom anymore!)...

anyways, i think any additional 'classes' might be a bit much for him at this stage.

does that sound right? or would you think that having something physical, seperate and fun (if he found it fun) would be useful to him?

ooh goosey, that sounds great. i will certainly try that.
ive said stuff like it... but i think the crucial bit is the bit on the end, where i offer to hide with him if hes not comfortable.

having said that - he wont feel im lying about hiding with him when i then speak to the lady myself and finish getting the shoes fitted/paying etc, will he?? i can hardly drop my head, look at the floor and scurry out the shop with him, as hed like!

Like the image of you scurrying!

I'm not suggesting that you say you're scared too as that will lead him to believe that there is something to be scared of. The idea is that you say that you understand why he is scared and you know that things can seem scary even that you too were scared when you were his age, then you can tackle the scariness together.

ah

of course.

[thick as two short ones sometimes]

Dd1 used to be like this. I think some children are just so overwhelmed by the whole world of social interaction that they just shut down. What really helped was breaking it down into tiny steps. I remember endlessly preparing her for situations like this by saying, "look, you don't have to be their best friend, you don't have to tell them your life story, you just need to look them in the eye, smile and say hello."

You can role play it at home beforehand, ridiculous as it sounds, but it really helps.

My little one was too very shy - I would just ignore it, thye do grow out of it.

interesting. [ponders]

this is all good input people, thank you for your time and thoughts.

any more is welcome too, obv

Fussy, I don't think really there's anything you could say at just the right moment, to stop him going into his shell like that. I really wouldn't put that pressure on yourself; I don't think it's possible. I think it's got to come from the child internally, rather than an external comment that makes it all better.

And as you know yourself, he's likely to grow out of it, when he's able and ready.

I honestly think the best thing is complete acceptance of them how they are. I don't know about you, but as a shy child I would have HATED someone drawing attention to me in a situation by saying "You are feeling very shy, aren't you" etc etc. I know it's about helping the child feel you understand but I think it's better to not say it in that way at the time. Of course it's ok to have conversations about feeling shy when the child is feeling safe, with a parent alone or something.

I think help them out in social situations as much as you can, do things with them if they don't cope alone, don't draw attention to it, just accept it completely.

sorry honoria - wasnt ignoring you!

yes, i do see what you mean and take yourpoint. i would enver push him too far, and if hes retreating and my first gentle coaxes dont work, i am happy to let him hide and snuggle.

we were out today, just he and i, and i did say the gooseyloosey thing to him at first paqy desk... and he seemed to like it. even managed a word or two with the lady at the next one.

so thanks everyone. i shall proceed to take on board all the points, how to coax, why not to, and just use my instinct to know when or if to do it.

Hello Fussy can I add my tuppenceworth? I am the proud mummy of a 3.8 boy and thought I'd share my experience with you. I too feel a bit upset when adults say Oh aren't you shy? I counteract it as soon as appropriate by saying 'You're not shy, darling, but sometimes it's hard to speak isn't it?'

So I decided to address it step by step. Having used sticker charts for his recent potty training with tremendous success I wondered if I could apply the same approach to speaking. The idea being NOT to push or cajole but have fun in speaking to people and gradually break through the shell. So the sticker chart has different words; Yes please, Hello!, Shall we play? Goodbye!- a star for every time he speaks to someone (ie. nursery staff at the door or someone in Sainsbury's, or some kid in the park)

Four weeks in I don't bother with it so much now BUT he does speak to people 100% more than he did, he doesn't often look blank or lip wobbley, is beginning to understand politeness, and well, speaks. His confidence is definately growing. I am attentive and we have a laugh about it as this is about building self-confidence and self-esteem.

I was VERY shy when little (and sometimes now) so like you can empathise, so trust your instincts.

My boy is/was the same.
I go to the same shop every monday and collect my organic veg box. Every week the man in the shop spoke to my son, and every week he hid behind me (this goes for every social situation where an adult speaks to him).

He was fine at nursery (after I'd left) but if I was there he'd not speak to the staff.

Until I said.....

"I'll give you a penny if you say hello".

After a couple of weeks I didn't even have to offer cash!