Need advice re 13 year old son - very concerned

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My son has the following issues

He lies constantly (currently has taken my new airpods away and lied about it after me asking him several times then finally admits it he knows he's not to touch them) but generally lies all the time and has done for a very long time and sometimes cannot see any wrong in what he's done.

We have tried a softer approach of tell the truth and no consequences and that works for a time then he just seems to manipulate that.

Things to point out are as follows;
He has always struggled to get to sleep at night - I would say on average it takes him about 1 1/2 to 2 hours to get to sleep - no gadgets allowed in his room no tv etc.

He doesn't always get that lying is wrong.
He helps himself to other members of the families stuff and thinks there nothing wrong with it - even going through other peoples drawers.
He has a tendency to take things too far sometimes but lacks humour sometimes when it's done back to him.
He will argue about everything sometime it feels like all day every day.
He can be very disrespectful but also very kind.

We have taken him to the doctor on a couple of occasions about his problems getting to sleep and the response has pretty much been like they are not taking us seriously at all. I've spoken to our son about why he can't get to sleep and he says sleeps boring my brain just thinks about lots of things (he worries sometimes). He's very young for his year at school.

I've emailed a couple of places online about our concerns we feel the longer this goes on the worse it's going to be for him an for the family and we fear him getting into real trouble - we live in the country and kids here have quite alot of freedom but we have to keep pulling the freedom back because of the lying then he gets teased by friends too. Its been so strefful for so long now. Does anyone have any advice of places I can approach to get help with this? We live in Scotland. Thanks

I'm in England and I know that services can be different in Scotland.

Do you have SENCO at school, and if so, can you talk to them?

Do you have CAHMS too?

As for the sleep. Does he sleep all night once he gets off? How many hours a night would you say he gets?

Oh I'd I'd put locks on all of the bedroom doors, except his of course.

I’d say probably sleeps about 8 hours a night takes a while to get up in the morning takes ages to get to sleep has books in his room I don’t allow gadgets he often gets up n wonders about toilet drink etc. Pushes his luck has never from a young age just got to sleep very quickly unless he’s been up till really late new year or something

Funny enough we decided that tonight we had hoped that we could get him to stop helping himself to stuff without having to but looks like this may be the best option to try and get the behaviour to change. He can be such a kind soul particularly with kids with learning disabilities or the homeless but he just doesn’t seem to get that he needs to do what we ask and the lying. He tried to convince me that i had put the AirPods somewhere before admitting he had them!

My DD is a little younger but can have trouble in dropping off.

Some things that help are meditation (look up guided meditation for teens).

No screens after 6. TV is allowed with us.

No fizzy drinks.

Tonnes of exercise.

And she's recently started doing yoga from YouTube videos.

Has he been assessed at all. A lot of what you’re saying reminds me of DN who has ADHD/ ASD

No he's not been assessed at all school have never said anything to us that they think he needs to be. He can sit and concentrate on things if he wants to. I have had my suspicions about ADHD as he does display a lot of the symptoms (but it's a difficult one as the symptoms are common in most kids). I think we would have difficulty getting him to the doctor as he would be reluctant (he was reluctant when we took him about his sleep) If anyone can give advice on putting it across to him in a positive way that would be great as I think we definately need to rule it out asap.

My son has ADHD and he can find it very hard to get to sleep. This is not to say that your son has, but if you've been wondering then it seems like a good idea to try to get some help from CAMHS.

We got a GP referral for a CAMHS assessment by having a telephone appointment with the GP. I explained what had been going on for him and said we felt it was time to see if there was any underlying issues (I wasn't looking for any particular diagnosis).

More recently when we wanted a re-referral, the GP surgery had no appointments, even by phone, and I got the school to make a referral to CAMHS. I found on the NHS Lothian website that this was possible, I'd guess it would be where you are. It might have been easier as DS was having issues at school at the time. That said your son has a named person or equivalent at school and they should help you access services.

We got advice from a sleep consultant when DS was much younger than yours is now, but we have stuck to a pretty consistent evening routine ever since, which involves at least 30 minutes wind down time after dinner, usually playing a game with a parent or doing some art/craft.

Hope it gets better.

Oh, also, people with ADHD can absolutely concentrate on things they are interested in! Hyper-focus in fact. I read it described as not an ability to concentrate but being like to a moth to flame, and sometimes the flame is a piece of fluff, or the lego on the floor, when it needs to be home work or getting dressed. That said, other things can produce ADHD like symptoms.

Yes people with ADHD/ADD can absolutely focus on things they are interested in.

Have a look on YouTube at a woman called How to ADHD. She has some very helpful videos and links.

The Teen and Special Needs Sections on MN might also be helpful

Thank's My hubby and I saw the doctor yesterday, She has to see my son so we have made an appointment with him (earliest we could get was in 2 weeks!). The doctor is planning on getting him assessed - if he is in agreement, we are going to go from the angle of trying to help him sleep better - If we go straight in with saying you're going to get assessed for ADHD or even perhaps ODD I think he will be very reluctant. Previously when we visited the doctors they thought that maybe melatonin could help but then said he didn't fit the criteria. The lying is a real concern for us because it is making us question everything he tells us which doesn't bode well for our relationship with him. We seem to go round in circles with it - he lies to avoid being reprimanded so we have various discussions about how he can tell us anything but the most important thing is to tell us the truth which he does for a while but then when he thinks he's got us he starts lying again. Interestedly the discussion with the doctor reminded me that we were often at parents evening in primary school told how he would interrupt all the time in class. Also highlighted to me how he will sensationalise things ( I think that might be an immaturity thing with him though). We have decided to put locks on our bedroom my daughters and the spare bedroom to stop him wondering in when he's supposed to be in bed and to stop him helping himself or sneaking his ipad when we ask him not to. He knows there consequences when he dos but still seems to choose to ignore them. I had hoped that telling him not to go in would be enough - address him doing it instead of making it not possible for him to do it but we feel now we have to do this. I'm also going to put restrictions back on his phone as its a constant battle every day as soon as it gets the phone nothing gets done and its time to change that too. I'll let you know how we get on in a couple of weeks.