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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

"I hate you!"

14 replies

BernieBear · 27/08/2007 09:55

Hello my ds (3) is saying this a lot lately. I know it is normal and I don't react at all. Just say "okay then" or "well I love you" but he has now started telling his father that "he hates mummy" (which I am sure his father gets satisfaction from - we are not together).

My question is, how often do they normally say this (I get it about once a day) and how long does this stage go on for.....and how, when his father brings it up, should I explain why he is saying it.

Really, not upset at all, no not really

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Countingthegreyhairs · 27/08/2007 10:43

Oh, poor you BB - no particular advice but just want to post because my dd says this from time to time and although it is perfectly normal - I know it can be quite hard to hear.

In my dd's case it stems from the fact that my dh is constantly travelling so I'm the "wicked witch" in our household who does all the drudge stuff she doesn't like (dressing, washing, hair-brushing, teeth-cleaning etc etc) and who is with her (in the holidays anyway) all day, every day - and dh is "fun Daddy" who turns up intermittently with presents!!

I just tell myself that it is a phase and I am her ma - and for certain things - a ma is the only one that will do (when she hurts herself for example) and that it will work itself out in the wash ....

Does your dd's dad correct him when he says this? If not, it must be confusing for your ds. I think you are already doing the right thing by replying "well, I love you.." and not reacting. He'll soon work it out ...!!

Countingthegreyhairs · 27/08/2007 10:44

Sorry - that should have read - "does your ds's dad ..."

BBBee · 27/08/2007 10:48

he doesn't hate you - but I am sure he has picked up that it is something that evokes emotion in other people even if you keep it hidden others will react.

Would brush it off pick him up cuddle him and say 'well I love you' like you have been doing. Don't let it get to you.

Original poster

BernieBear · 27/08/2007 11:04

Thanks for that. Sadly it was the first thing he said to me this morning when he woke up and it has put me in a bit of mood now.

Don't know what his father said, ds told me this morning that he had told him he hated me. Nice.

I know I am always going to be the "bad cop" in this scenario whilst his father will be "fun time frankie" and 90% of the time I am okay with this, just sometimes............

Think i am having a bad day. Roll on bed time and tomorrow should be better. x

At least the puppy loves me!

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Countingthegreyhairs · 27/08/2007 11:27

oh - don't doubt he loves you BB. In fact he loves you so much that he feels able to say 'I hate you'. If he wasn't secure about his feelings, it would be too much of a risk to say that...

Hope your day gets better x

BBBee · 27/08/2007 14:31

how are you BB?

Original poster

BernieBear · 27/08/2007 16:06

Just been over to Grandma's house so that he had more people around and I was able to sit and not feel so "needed" all the time.

Feel a little better but have realised that this mood of his has been going on since about Thursday. Wonder if either a. he is coming down with something b. it is a "phase" c. he is jealous of new puppy (whom he adores and we have had for about 2 weeks.)

Sometimes this motherhood lark is just so bl@ody hard isn't it!

Three hours til bedtime.....and counting.

Thanks for checking back BBBee

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frogs · 27/08/2007 16:10

My standard response to this kind of thing is "You don't have to like me, you just have to do what I say." Tends to call their bluff quite effectively.

Dd1 used to say "I won't be your friend" a lot, or even "I won't let you come to my party". And even shot herself in the foot once or twice by saying, "I won't let you read me a bedtime story." Ha! Ds aged about 5 once shouted in my face "You've ruined my life!" I laughed long and loud, and funnily enough he's never used that line again...

Original poster

BernieBear · 27/08/2007 16:23

Ah yes, "I won't be your friend" is quite common too. Did chuckle at the "ruining my life" one. Very Good!

Am contemplating a glass of wine!...anyone else?

OP posts:

Trinaj · 27/08/2007 20:04

Glass of wine sounds fab .
My dd has taken to all those - Ihate you, I don't want to talk to you anymore, I don't love you anymore, I'm shutting myself in my room, I'm leaving the house!!!
The last one and the most recent - no-one loves me anymore - are really painful to hear .
I know it stems down to new baby - she wanted a girl but was a boy - meaning she has to switch rooms eventually! - and leaving nursery, starting school etc...
It's really hard for her, and difficult for me to ignore!

fawkeoff · 27/08/2007 20:05

my dd 4 called me a todge bag today!!!!

mimsum · 27/08/2007 21:45

My dd (4) told me today that I wasn't her friend any more and that if I carried on not doing whatever it is that she wanted me to do she'd bite me! (she didn't try very hard ...)

at the same age ds1 shouted very melodramatically at my mum "you've ruined a part of my life!" - it was the "a part" bit that really got me

Lilybelle · 27/08/2007 22:01

My mum told my sister and I from a very early age that we weren't allowed to say "I hate you". It "wasn't allowed" so we never thought to say it . Except when I said it to my sister & she went running off: "Mummy, she said the HATE word and its not allowed!" etc etc.

(FWIW, Mum also used this tactic re: spiders "Spiders are our friends!" constantly gaily reverberated around the house. I am genuinely not scared of spiders to this day (wish she'd thought to include moths tho)

I guess it was just constantly reinforcing certain non-negotiable rules that worked...

rantinghousewife · 27/08/2007 22:10

The less you react the quicker it will pass, so you're doing the right thing. Ds used to say this to me quite a lot when he was younger, my only reply was,'Well that's your perogitive, now please go and do as I've asked and tidy your room'. And (his df and I divorced many moons ago) I've heard all of the 'oh my dads wonderful, he is...oh my dad's got a playstation he has', even though df doesn't bother to see him more than twice a year and at one point we were living on bread and water cos dex was too poor to pay for him. Funny how, now that ds is turning into a young man, he rarely mentions how wonderful his df is anymore!!
Bitter? Moi?

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