End of my tether - shy child

[Newmums16]

My LO is 3.5, she has always been a shy/anxious/nervous child. Is someone she doesn’t know so much as smiles at her, she immediately wants to go home or leave wherever we are. She started nursery in September and I hoped she’d come out of her shell as I kept being told. She’s stopped crying when I drop her off but nursery tell me that she is still extremely shy and will only respond to her favourite teacher and no children. She’s ok with family we see regularly but it takes her time to ‘warm up’ to family we see not so regularly (like a few times every few months). Today we went to my sister who we see a lot, I’d say she’s one of the people she comfortable with most. As we went up to her flat, a neighbour said hello to me. This triggered the usual “I want to go home” etc. We continued into the flat and my LO carried on being shy/clingy. We’ve been here half an hour and she is stuck to me like glue, I can’t even leave the sofa to get my tea of the table. She refuses to even look at my sister and she’s clinging onto my neck for dear life. Please, please can someone help me. This has really taken a toll on my over the last 2.5 years and it’s becoming suffocating. I’m loosing my patience with her and I’ve gone from “don’t worry your safe here” to “get off me, leave me alone”. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

I don't think it is something she can control, so "get off me, leave me alone" sounds harsh. Starting nursery after 3 sounds a little on the late side (considering that by 4 years old they will start reception to get ready for a school start), I would have assumed that many of the children in her class would have been there since before 2 years old and hence have a big head start on her. Did she have the opportunity to mix with other children when she was younger? maybe by attending toddler classes, activity led playgroups, etc? where children as encouraged to work together on common goals.

I was meant to say in the main post, we were attending toddler groups twice a week until I went back to work around 8.5 months, took a month off to adjust then kept on until she was just over 1 when they stopped for funding. She goes to dance and swimming once a week and is fine with the teachers but doesn’t speak to the kids. Re nursery, I actually thought she would start school at 5 so thought I was starting her nursery in time but they told me she’d start earlier since she’s summer born. I completely get that it sounds harsh but after so long of her literally sticking to me like glue o don’t know what to do

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Anyone one that can help?

I can't give you any advice, but can share my experience - my lo was also extremely shy at this age, from 2 to 4 yo, with unfamiliar people, did not like noisy parties, refused to cooperate at doctors or hairdressers, went to classes but observed rather than participated etc, while being absolutely fine and easygoing with people he knew well. He eventually overgrown this, and after a while we finally could do all the normal things- get his hair cut, visit dentist, etc without drama. He is seems to be an introverted child, but not shy to the point when it used to prevent him doing things. I never pushed him too much out of his comfort zone - every child is different and I did not feel like he needed additional stress just because everyone was doing something and he did not. I admit I was a bit worried at some point but as I did not see other issues with his behaviour, my feeling was that it is temporary. Starting school helped a lot, I think, it was very positive for him.

I was in the same position as you OP.

My advice is give her more of what she needs. it sounds counter intuitive, but pushing her close will allow her to relax her grip. Pushing her away will make her cling harder.

My DD was the same. So shy, with a speech delay.

I allowed her to stay with me, to grow at her pace. She bumped along at average at school, always shy, but a heart of gold, so kind. She danced, never a distinction, always just a credit. Overlooked by teachers and confident kids.
At 17 she became dance captain at her dance school, head girl at her huge secondary school, and accepted into a hugely competitive peadiactric nursing degree course.
She is a part time dance teacher and full time student nurse. Still that amazing kind heart.

Trust your instincts OP.

My ds is 4 yrs and is much the same, it’s frustrating at times and I find I’m trying to coax him into being more sociable. He started school in Sept and we did see some improvement although he seems to have regressed with the hype of Christmas and change of routines etc. I’m hoping he will grow out of it! There’s not a great deal you can do, I tried being more pushy trying to get him to interact and it didn’t work in fact the opposite. So I just leave him to his own little ways now, I still cringe when we are at family gatherings though! x

I was really shy until I was about 18 - almost mute at times. The number one thing that made things hard for me was my dad being very pushy about me being social - and getting annoyed at me for being me. I still think about it all these years later. Its only recently that I’ve begun to realise its ok to be who I am. I am an introvert and still quieter than other people but have a very happy life with my DH and my DCs and have a job I enjoy.

If your daughter feels shy let her sit on your lap and give her a hug and tell her not to worry, and that everyone feels like that sometime. Build up her confidence - point out all the good things about her and praise her for them. Hopefully, she will feel a bit more confident with time- being a safe place for her will get her there more quickly.

My son who is 3 1/2 is also very shy and clingy to his dad and I. He is fine with immediate family - his older brothers and sisters and my mum and some close friends - he struggles to go into nursery. He is improving slowly

As an introvert with social anxiety I can tell you that pushing your daughter into social situations when she's clearly uncomfortable might do her a lot of harm. Disclaimer, I'm not an expert, I'm only speaking from my own experience. My mum did that to me a lot when I was a kid, and all it did was make me not trust her, make me feel misunderstood and most of all it made me feel like there was something wrong with who I was, like my entire being was "wrong". To this day my relationship with my mother is far from close, and it all because of that early feeling of never being who she wanted me to be.

I don't have any kids myself; expecting my first one in March and I hope he takes after his Dad and is a sociable little guy for his own sake, but if he turns out to be more like me, I am totally prepared to embrace and support him. Ultimately, there's nothing wrong with being an introvert.