Dd8 Refusing to shower/ brush teeth

[ineedakickandagin]

Dd 8 suddenly started to refuse shower and teeth. Til recently she loved the shower and it was a job getting her out.
She has developmental trauma, maybe asd/ adhd. Anxiety and very oppositional.
She is starting to whiff a lot.
I've done the exciting shower crepes, colour changing toothpaste, flashy lights on tooth brush.
Nope.
She makes the sofa smell when she sits on it.
Sigh. Talking to her doesn't help, she doesn't care if people find it uncomfortable/ won't want to sit next to her at school.
She doesn't care about rotting teeth and bacteria making her bits sore.

Help! Do I sit it out?

do you have a bath? would she go in that? in regards to the teeth brushing, you could try chewy brushes?

No we don't have a bath. I think the problem is around feeling in control and bedtime is getting very tricky too.

ah ok. not too sure (you may have tried this already) but could you try presenting it as a choice? so 'hey dd, do you want to have a shower before or after dinner? you can choose.' or 'hey dd, do you want to make your bed first or brush your teeth?' It might make her feel more in control, but at the same time she gets that she has to do it?

I don’t think you can sit it out tbh because it’ll start affecting her health. Do you know what’s driving her not wanting to care for herself? My DD8 has developmental trauma too and sometimes needs me to be much more involved in her personal care than would be usual for an 8 year old. So she might need me to brush her teeth, wash her hair etc because she’s feeling very young and just needs to be babied a bit.

Does she associate having a shower with getting ready for bed or a particular time of day - could changing the time of her shower help, eg if she finds bedtime difficult or feels stressed getting ready for school etc.

What happens if you offer to shower her, wash her hair etc? I often will talk through “let’s have a nice bath, mummy will do your hair so it’s nice and clean - I love taking care of you - let’s get cosy pjs on now and we can watch a movie before bed” which helps her understand that it’s part of my job to look after her and care for her.

Would she choose her own shower gel etc? I’ve got an app on my phone which shows cartoons for teeth brushing - I’ll let her watch that while she brushes which helps because she almost forgets she’s doing it.

Do you model good self care - would she see you take yourself off for a shower and know that that’s about you caring for yourself? Sometimes I’ll do a face mask and deep hair conditioner with my DD - she loves the 1:1 attention and it helps that she then needs a shower to take the conditioner out of her hair. I’m also explicit about the things I do to care for her like making her bed, tidying her room, clean clothes etc so she knows she’s worthy of care and how important that part of my job is.

Til recently she loved the shower and it was a job getting her out.

I also think this is key, what happened that this changed, has she had changed at home or school, is she stressed, are her friendships ok, is she being bullied or worried about school work etc.

Very often it’s not about the shower, or teeth or whatever it’s driven by something else but she can control the shower.

Thanks for the advice. It's definitely about feeling in control.
I managed to entice her in by getting a colour changing shower head and led waterproof disco kights, a baby bath she could sit in in the cubicle, and Xmas songs on her CD player.

Take her Swimming???