6 yr old son will not go to sleep on his own (sorry, this is my first post and a bit long)

[chilledmomma]

My son has never been very fond of bedtime and recently said he wished nobody ever had to go to sleep because then he would have more time to play! We were coping okay until the end of last year when he started refusing to go to sleep without me or my partner laying on the bed with him. We have asked him why but he just says he wants to cuddle. He clamps on tight to us as he wants us to stay there all night making it nearly impossible to get off the bed! Needless to say he has a very worn out mum and dad who rarely get to spend any time together. Any attempt we make to change this results in a very extreme reaction where he completely loses control, screaming, hysterical crying- and although he sounds very cross I can recognise in him that he is genuinely very, very distressed. We have tried just going along with it in the hope he will just get over it, being very firm (and cross (not proud of that at all)), offering rewards, gradually withdrawing (saying we will stay upstairs but not in his room and so on)etc but everything provokes the same response. He was assessed re autistic spectrum when a preschooler whilst we were seeing a child pyschologist about toileting problems he was having (he had a very set toileting routine which if anyone tried to alter provoked the same sort of extreme outbursts- it took a year to sort that out gradually) but the conclusion was that they were not sure and we would have to see how things go as he gets older. He has since been doing very well at school although he does not like change, and in all other ways is a lovely little boy that I am very proud of.
I am generally a chilled out a momma and usually take a pretty relaxed approach to his little quirks but I do not feel like a very chilled out momma at the moment becaue I totally worn out with it! Help?!

Would he settle down and go to sleep downstairs and then you could take him up when he was asleep? Maybe do this for a while until he gets a bit older?

Hi there, Congratulations on your first post!

Your DS sounds a little like mine who has also been assessed for AS and found by the psychologist to have very mild Aspergers (or not depends on who you talk to but that is another story).

He was a little like this for a while - not wanting to be left before going to sleep and getting upset/frightened about it. I don't think we did very much for a while except go with the flow as you are doing.

Do you let him have a nightlight? My DS has had one from birth but during the period when he was upset he insisted on going to sleep with his bedroom door open and the landing light on. We still do that now although we turn a night light on the landing and pull his door to when he goes to sleep.

I think the turning point for us was when we finally found something he preferred to do more than cuddle with mummy and daddy. He wanted to look at books in bed so we let him but we said we couldn't stay with him whilst he was doing it as mummy and daddy had other things to do. Eventually his desire to do his own thing won out over the desire to keep us with him. He has also been listening to story CD's which we won't let him do with us around. Maybe we have unintentionally been using the fact that AS children get a bit obsessed by things, now I think about it. He tends to look at or listen to things which revolve around his current obsession and which he hasn't had time to do any other time.

I suppose I am lucky that my DS2 also wants company when he goes to sleep and he always had (unlike DS1 before this unsettled period) but once he has had his story and settled down he is asleep instantly. Only problem is that his poor parents are so tired we are often asleep before he is and end up waking up with a stiff neck just in time for our own bedtime.

Sorry I don't have any really useful suggestions - just wanted you to know you were alone and that it will probably end up being a phase like so many other things with children! I hope it all works out for you and you get a break soon.

My 6 yr old is similar. Doesn't scream but that's prob because we just go with it! At the moment he sleeps on a mattress on floor in our room but that is mainly due to the heat here and the fact that our room has air-con.

What if you tried sitting on the bed with him instead of lying but keep touching him with one hand? Read to him and tell him you can't read as easily lying down? Then after a few weeks move to a chair right next to his bed again touching him and then gradually withdraw the touching.

Thanks Juuule, he has a lot of energy though and would probably be up very, very late. Although, I guess if I let him stay up later he would fall asleep quicker. He is already up until 8.30 or 9pm (which I think is already a bit late)and with school starting again soon I'm not sure I could let him stay up much later?

I think it might be worth trying even though school is starting. Once he realises that he isn't going to have to go up alone he might go to sleep a lot earlier. Especially if he gets tired at school during the day.

We do have a nightlight because we are quite rural and at night it does get really dark which he used to say he didn't like.
He is reading independently and is absolutely obsessed with planes, helicopters and the RAF so I think I will try offering him something like a plane sticker book, a tape or plane model or something similar that's just for bedtimes. Maybe that will enable us to gradually move away from having to lay on the bed if it can keep him interested and occupied enough.
It's a big relief to know it's not just us to be honest (thank you so much). So I think we'll have to try not to push it too much but try to suggest very little gradual changes and try to stick to them - that did help with the toileting come to think of it.

chilledmomma - I always take comfort from the fact that you never hear of 16 yo who want their parents with them at bedtime. There is an end in sight somewhere even if it is miles away!

Are you on a waiting list to be seen again by a psychologist by the way? Or will you not be seen unless you ask for an assessment?

Basically I think we would either have to ask of our own accord or if the school were voicing any concerns to us, because the original referral was to resolve the toileting problems. The assessment for asd came about because of the pattern of other behaviour that was causing us some concern at home/nursery as well as the toileting. But other than the bedtime thing he's doing very well (luckily he really enjoys school) and is otherwise a very happy little chap.