3yo and stubborn, refusing behaviour

[PenelopeChipShop]

I’ve had the most terrible morning with my 3yo daughter. For context I am recovering from flu (yes real flu, I have been ill for the last month) and I’m a single mum so I don’t usually have much respite (my parents have helped me the last few days when I’ve been unable to get out of bed).

But I still just don’t know how much more I can take of living with a toddler. She won’t sit at the table to eat for more than 2 mins, will refuse to get dressed, brush teeth, leave the house, makes a fuss about nursery, picks fights with her big brother (7) and on and on.

She turns 4 in April so isn’t just 3 either. I used to be so much more patient and I just snap when she pushes me. This morning I threatened to put her advent calendar in the bin to try to get her to put her trousers on but she still wouldn’t and then just cried as I’d been mean. He’d brother was comforting her, I felt awful. I just can’t deal with the refusing, especially when we need to get out the house somewhere on time.

Their dad left when she was 13 months and I constantly worry about what damage it’s done. They do still see him but not very often, every other weekend (not all weekend) and one evening a week when she’s literally just about to go to bed anyway.

Hi Penelope. Please do not blame yourself or the situation with your daughters father. I have a 3.6 year old daughter, she too will be 4 in April. My husband is around at home, but mostly only weekends. Weekdays he works away and the nights he’s home he had 10 min with her before she goes to bed. And he tells me to ‘deal with her’ as he can’t be bothered to deal with her hysterics after a stressful day at work. I don’t even blame him.

She is having awful tantrums screaming and crying at least 2-3 times per day! It starts in the morning because of wanting to open the advent calendar before breakfast/ open the next days box whatever. She screams on drop off at nursery even though she’s very happy once there. This morning she was kicking and screaming like a maniac. I felt awful for her teacher and also Im quite embarrassed. She seems to be angry, and getting frustrated too easily. She too starts fights with her brother, ‘annoys’ him a lot by doing silly things and the more he tries to get away from her, the more persistent she is.

I didn’t want to go on too much about my personal situation but I just wanted to show it’s not just happening to you. I am tearing my hair out too.

What has helped for me is getting her out and about as much as possible at the weekends. At home cooped up she tantrums and plays up more.

I strongly believe it’s just age. And this time of year which is very busy with all the Christmas events, the cold, DARK and miserable mornings and she gets home it’s pitch black and freezing. My 6 year old is crying a lot over small things and they are both exhausted after school. I can see they want to play play play after school but can barely manage, and early bedtimes are benefitting them both so much more!

My sons teacher said Christmas term is the worst, we all just want to naturally hibernate at home and chill out. We as adults CAN- they can’t, they have many expectations placed on them still and break down easily.

I feed her and dress her when I’d usually be encouraging more independence at this age but it’s not the right time. I am going to let all the small stuff go from now on not stress so much over whether her hair is messed up for school or not (it’s done perfectly at 7am but by 7.45 and 2 crying episodes and rolling about on the floor later it’s a total mess) I will let her have her 1 tiny square of chocolate before breakfast because end of the day there’s only another 20 little boxes left to open before she never sees another calendar for a year! I also snap at her too easily if she tantrums, this results in her screaming even more. I snap as I’m tired and frustrated myself that every day is so difficult with her, but snapping/ shouting never works

It’s incredibly hard in the moment, but what works for me is to be understanding and give her a big cuddle and have someone she can sob into! A big old cry to let it all out!

Thank you so much for replying, I do agree with you about letting them just cry and be annoyed and I do try to do so most of the time (when we’re not late for school!) so I do wonder if I seem totally inconsistent as sometimes I’m patient and other times I’m so shouty!

Thank you for sharing though, I do think it’s a tough age. I think my DD was more amenable at 2, but now she can make her voice heard she does, she will literally boss me and her brother around (or try to) and I just find her so tiring. Being on my own with the 7yo (which almost never happens) is like being on holiday!!

Some days I do wonder how on earth people go on to have child no.3 as it extends the years of living with a toddler even longer, that alone is enough to put me off even if I wasn’t single and too old!!

Just another message to say you're not alone. My DS is 4 at the end of the month so a bit older, but this is all familiar some days! And like pp I can be really patient, but if we're in a rush/I'm stressed, I end up snapping!

It's a tough phase, it's not just you.

I'm going through exactly the same thing with my DD, the same age! Am trawling the threads on here looking for the answers but it seems that it's just an age thing! Agree with the time of year thing, my girl just seems exhausted all the time! I didn't even get her an advent calendar as I knew it would be a daily battle