Feeling lost as a parent

[Ant79]

Hi, I'm new here and I dont know if I'm looking for advice or just need to vent so please just bear with me. I'm a dad to 3 children - Daughter 17
Son - 14 with behaviour issues
Son - 8 with ASD and ADHD
Partner to there mum who has Bipolar.
My partner has the theory on parenting that if you buy them gifts and take them for meals and well spoil them then they will be happy. Yet I am a firm believer in not handing them everything and if they are misbehaving tell them off. A little background, my partner has bipolar along with other issues which means I provide a substantial amount of care time to her during her waking hours, which at the minute is not alot as she sleeps for a large portion of the day while I go to work. I work every day to provide for them all as I am the sole earner but have to take time out to do school runs and attending schools meetings for the boys and also make sure that my partner attends medical appointments. Along with that I have the task of supporting our boys with their issues and addressing their behaviours.
This is where alot of the issues lye. When I address our 14 year old he is constantly looking for a battle (he has odd) soni address that. This leads to their mum addressing me in a way that undermines me and alot of the time makes me feel like I'm not a parent but just someone who is around. A basic thing such as asking our son to clean his room results in me getting "told off" for asking him. If I answer my partner back she threatens to kick me out and then makes a point of getting the children dressed and takes them out for treat such as a meal or shopping for gifts.
I'm not sure why she does this or how I can change it. Any advice?

I’d like to believe that your partner will listen to reason and join you in co-parenting. I’d like to believe that she’d be convinced by the experts who agree that parents need to present a united front and come together in purpose for the sake of their children. But I’m afraid it will probably take more than a logical appeal.
Your partner can’t stand confrontation and she can’t handle people being unhappy – especially unhappy with her, right? That’s why she’s trying to make your son happy. Not upsetting your son is more important to your wife than making the hard calls that a parent has to occasionally make. I think that therapy is needed: therapy for her and therapy for your relationship.
Do your best and continue to enforce their ground rules. It won’t fix the problem but it will increase the odds (of parenting success) if one parent is trying. You need to do what is right for your children and hopefully they will eventually see that.
If you feel your relationship with your son has been compromised by being the bad cop, try to address this by spending more positive time with him. Look for opportunities to talk to him about positive things in his life and to spend one-to-one enjoyable time with him.

It's a difficult one, your partner is rewarding your sons behaviour. I would wonder whether this is the time he gets a reaction from her as from your description she sounds distant a lot if the time. For him there's some lovely time with his mum when he's challenging.