Lost it with DD aged 5.5 tonight. Help!

[fuzzyfelt]

This is long sorry but have to get off my chest! How normal is my DD and how much of a mess am I making? Am an infrequent poster.
My DD is sensitive and shy. She will not speak to adults and takes ages to warm up to adults she has known all her life. I largely ignore this although sometimes say 'it would be nice if you spoke up'.
She is reluctant to try new things and requires loads of reassurance For instance, starting swimming lessons required nightly 20 minute 'chats' for weeks about swimming and why it's a good thing and why she won't sink.
She gets cranky when her routine is changed and her comfort blanket gets carried around all the time when normally it stays in her bed. I ignore this.
She has a bedtime routine comprising of checking that the wardrobe door is securely shut with a chair, the bedroom floor is completely clear, the curtains are hanging 'properly', her teddies are lined up in the right order on her bed. I occasionally get frustrated with this.
She will not wipe her her own bottom and melts down when I refuse to do it. She knows what to do, has been shown loads of times and praised massively when she does do it by herself.
She has to be asked repeatedly to pick up messes she has made or to stop innappropriate behaviour. I try to make it fun normally. She has to be told all the time to say please and thankyou. She never says it without being reminded.
I hate nagging and I hate shouting but tonight after her demanding more milk before bdetime (no please), refusing to have a wee before bedtime and then when she did - insisting on using at least 8 sheets of toilet roll after already blocking the toilet once today (she knows this and said voluntarily that she had learnt her lesson and would only use 2 or 3 sheets from now on), I lost it - smacked her hard on the bum and screamed at her. I feel awful.
She, understandably, does not respond to criticism (it just knocks her confidence and she heads straight for her comfort blanket). I try and praise but find myself nagging at her more and more as she gets older. She was quite ill for a year between ages of 2 and 3 and I think I mollycoddled her too much then. She has 2 younger siblings (whom she adores) but I think the lack of attention after so much attention before has affected her.
She has lots of lovely characteristics - lots of friends, kind, imaginative, but the last year, since starting school, I have found her cranky and annoying. Is this normal control seeking behavoiur? Am I being unreasonable? Do I need help?

just letting you know I have skimmed your post.
Don't want you to feel alone.
I will be back in a minute when I have read it properly
Don't worry!!!!!!

Couls she have OCD?

I'm trying to put this kindly, but I think perhpas you ought to look at some positive parenting courses, or books.

DD is not necessarily the way she is as a result of endless criticism and nagging, but I wouldn't entirely rule it out - but it certainly won't be helping to build her self confidence and self esteem.

I am posting through gritted teeth though, as I cannot imagine a scenario where a child is smacked for using more than 3 sheets of toilet paper, so if this post comes across as rather terse then I can only say that it could have been a lot worse...

Immediately one thing springs to mind....
It is the school holidays!
I think it's very true that kids who rely very much on familiarity and routine seem to get in a complete tissy when that familiarity and routine is taken away.
Don't be too hard on yourself! and to quote an old saying of mumsnetters
"pick your battles"
many of these things are completely normal.
You may be finding it super hard to tune out a lot of this behavior.
Smacking her won't have helped but in the long run it might have been a wake up call that is telling you that things are getting out of hand.
It's obvious that you are a loving, kind and generous mummy.
sorry I know I'm not vey helpful.
keep sharing and people who are better at this than me will come along and offer you those words that will make a difference.
{{{{hugs}}}}

Have yo seen the thread about the "How to talk to children so they listen" (or something similar? It is active today and it has some great example of positive parneting on, and how to help you and your child with situations. It is based on a book which seems to be recommeneded a lot on MN.

Here

You find her 'cranky and annoying'? It comes through loud and clear in your post. Poor kid. My guess is she is scared of getting anything wrong, and demands your attention with bad behaviour. As for swimming lessons, why on earth should a five year old who is bright enough to query the idea have to undertake swimming lesons before he or she is ready? Why make her? Maybe she needs to grow into trying new things at her own pace. Sorry, but tbh your irritation with her seems overhwelming and I agree that smacking her for the toilet paper incident is a sign that it may be out of hand. Is there anyone that can help you get a different perspective on all of this - friends or family?

This si the thread I was talking about

I sympathise. My DD's a bit stuck in a rut with some of her habits, she can be very reserved with people she doesn't know or isn't sure of (but then again sometimes she isn't, she's inconsistent) and routine is also extremely important to her but then again I brought her up in a kind of routine and always kept her up-to-date with our plans for the day etc. so what can I expect?! She's just coming up to 5 years old and as time goes I by I'm adjusting to her needs as a little person, just as she is to her growing self and her position in life. There's many occasions that I would love her to be more confident but at the end of the day she isn't and there's not a lot I can do about it apart from to try and support her in a way that's sympathetic to the type of person she is ... if that makes any sense. So, on some days I think to myself 'oooh, why can't you be more confident on such-a-such or why can't you do this, that and the other' but then on other days she surprises me by suddenly doing something that she hasn't wanted to do before or by being quite outgoing etc.

With regards to smacking her bottom and screaming at her ... none of us are perfect parents, we are all learning and we all make mistakes. The fact that you did it and that you feel awful about it and that you've actually written about it on here suggests to me that you are not an awful parent, you are a normal parent who has had their chain yanked once too often and has seen red and flipped slightly.

If you are finding all the things you write about hard to cope with and feel that some kind of help would be beneficial then go for it. Otherwise, I would follow the advice of the other poster who said that a lot of parenting is about chosing your battles - whether that always sounds do-able or not, it's definitely good advice and would probably result in you feeling a bit more relaxed about life too.

Best of luck.

Concentrate on the positives you mentioned - she's kind, has lots of friends. That's because of your parenting. You have a lot on your plate with 3 chn - you're bound to get cross, we all do. Could you talk to her about the smacking tomorrow and tell her how sorry you obviously are?

No advice from me (don't have any experience of that kind of personality) but just wanted to say it sounds to me like you have the patience of a saint. I think I would have lost it much sooner if any of my kids required that much patience and understanding. She's lucky you're her mum and not me, imo.

You asked how normal she was - well, she sounds very normal for a five year old, to me! A child who is asked once only, to clear up their mess, or who stops inappropriate behaviour on demand, is a very odd child IMHO - it's utterly normal, childlike behaviour for them to take a lot of dealing with at this age. And the pleases and thank-yous, again utterly normal. I personally feel that role modelling this stuff is far, far more valuable; you do it yourself to everyone at home, including dd, and she WILL learn that behaviour IN TIME. She is still very, very young indeed and I think you're expecting alot of her.

I know of a fair few children who still want their bottom wiped at 5. Not unheard of at all....it's possible sometimes to negotiate, eg, you do the first wipe and I'll do the second etc.

I think it's a case of trusting that this is not unusual; she will not be asking you to wipe her bum when she's off out clubbing at 18!

Things like the swimming lessons, I agree that holding off on formal things is fine at this age, too. If she's not comfortable with it, just keep it informal and go as a family and do lessons later on.

And you do sound mostly very patient with her but i would think it would be better never to say you'd like her to speak up. She will, when she's ready. She's still so young! Give her a few years yet before you worry about this stuff.

It sounds like you're in a cycle of stress with her behaviour.

I have exactly the same low tolerance threshold for bedtimes because DD was a nightmare for years and years. Now DD is so much better but even the slightest messing around at bedtime gets me very tense, because it reminds me of just how bad it used to be. I realise this and count to 5 and reflect on just how good she is now (reflect is possibly the wrong word. I think I probably more often just say 'chablis' five times to myself actually)

Why not try to step back, reduce your stress over it. Let her be quiet, wipe her bottom (could she be persuaded to do this herself with her own special moist toilet tissue?)

I think also she is probably getting very tired at school, which is going to make her more cranky. I would try to just take the pressure off for a time and see if she gets a bit better. If you feel yourself getting tense just take a deep breath and try to make fun out of the situation. It often stops meltdowns in my house (even if supressing the rage gives you a nervous tic )

I have a DS - 5, too - and he always wants his bottom wiped. Yes, he can do it but I think it is his way of getting similar attention to his younger brother.

Ah, stress at bedtime - horrible, isn't it? Have you thought about rejigging how you do it? I was putting both boys to bed together and it went OK, but since I've put DS2 up first, it has been tons more chilled. Yes, I have a longer bedtime routine but they both get attention and DS1 loves the privilege. This gives me some leverage, too!

Sorry, you sound really frazzled and quite worried. I can recommend the "Talking ...." book, just finished it and it is definitely helping me take a step back and be more positive. I've heard of the other book and yes, it sounds like your DD has a super sensitive character so it may really help, too. Now, how you are going to fit two books in with three littles during the hols is anyone's guess .

Hope you have a better day today.

Keep bumping this, what you need it something similar to Cod's how to bring up boys for sensitive girls!

Hi. Thanks everyone for replying to my cry for help last night! It was a wake up call as I am totally anti-smacking (and anti-any punishment actually) and couldn't believe how savage I felt. Am definitley highly stressed out and got to do something about it.

I checked 'The sensitive child' link and it does seem to hit the nail on the head - she scores 15 and it says that a score of over 13 could indicate HSC.

You're also right that the school holidays are not the picnics in the park I was expecting - we're mostly stuck indoors as the weather not brill. Very trying.

Also I've been run down lately and feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do - run the house, work part-time, manage 3 children. Normally I take things in my stride but don't feel like I'm coping at the mo. A holiday would be great but there's no such thing as a holiday when you have 3 children 5 and under!

The fact is DD IS high maintenance and I can do this when am on an even keel, but not when there are a million other things to do.

WRT swimming lessons - she wanted to do them - I would never push if she didn't want to swim. She had a fear of sinking. This situation has been resolved now as we kept going to the lessons with lots of TLC and now she has cracked it and swam 5m the other day. She is very pleased with herself and it has helped her confidence. I think she is a perfectionist who won't try anything partly because she wants to get it right first time. Although I think part of it could be because of fear of criticism from me.

I have apologised to her for last nights melt down and we've had a nice morning, just the 2 of us for a change.

I have got the 'How to Talk' book but have lost it - must dig it out as it does speak loads of sense.

Thanks again for your (mostly) non-judgemental advice - am v. grateful.

I'm glad you feel it was a wake up call, hopefully you'll be able to adjust things a bit to make you both happier. I hope you're not blaming yourself for yesterday's smack though; you have three very young children, at the most demanding ages, and it's been a crappy summer and no-one has been able to do much! My goodness, you are only human.

Best of luck. I'm sure it'll be fine, how can it not be when you're so thoughtful about your daughter's needs?

fuzzyfelt.
I admire you.
I believe your experience both yesterday and your feedback today will have been helpful to those who are lurking but too afraid to post.
You've done a very good job

HG & PellMell - thankyou both for your kind words. It means a lot.