Difficult 4 month old baby - I'm struggling

[hhhmmmwww]

Hello,

Just looking for some advice on my baby, she's about to turn 4 months next week and we've been having a really difficult time with her, she has generally been a very unsettled baby since birth but it has gradually been getting worse in the last week or two and I'm really struggling to cope with it all.

I know babies crying is normal but she cries so much sometimes it's unbearable, it doesn't matter how you hold her or try and soothe her, she just never seems happy. She never wants to sit in her chair, she never wants to do tummy time and she never wants to lie down, she used to want to be held all the time but now she even cries at that! I feel there's never one position she's happy in or I can leave her content in. She does smile, but you have to really force it out of her which makes me sad as I get such joy when I see her face light up too! I know all babies are different but it's really beginning to get me down as it seems to be all around me I see these happy and content little babies (and I know in reality they probably aren't as they all have their moments!!) and I feel so envious, my little one won't sit still and is always wriggling and whinging/crying. We had just got her used to her car seat and car journeys without a meltdown and now she's started up again, she also hates her pram carrycot, no matter how cosy I make it for her or play white noise, we have also started using the pram seat part tilted back so she can see more as I was thinking maybe she wanted to see the world and what's going on but so far she's not taken to that either. I got an ergo carrier early days which she absolutely loved and now she goes in it and screams until I take her out :( I'm just beginning to feel like such a failure and can't seem to pinpoint where I'm going wrong, she sleeps fairly well at night/feeds well but is a complete nightmare throughout the day. Im beginning to dread taking her places as it becomes such a scene and I get so anxious, I suffered from terrible anxiety in my teens and just feel it's bringing it all back too.

Where am I going wrong and how can I help her? She just seems so unhappy when I'm try soooo hard to keep her happy to the point everything else is suffering including myself. I entertain her almost every second I can and if I don't she cries, we have cuddles and I'm extremely affectionate towards her as is my husband and family, we also go to baby groups but this week I have had to stop as we had a rather embarrassing hour at baby yoga which I spent rocking her to sleep as she was screaming the place down and wouldn't feed or lie down...so I thought I'd give ourselves a break for a bit till she hopefully settles. We go out walks, we have sensory time, we play with toys, I listen to her cues the best I can for hunger and sleep, we do baby massage most nights and have nice warm baths and lots of cuddles throughout the day. I managed to get her taking a dummy a few weeks ago which seems to have helped at certain times but most of the time she spits it out and continues to cry.

I feel silly for writing this as I feel there will be mums out there ready to slate me and tell me to get on with it and so far I've been told by several people "Yes well babies cry!" And I'm so tired of not feeling like I've got any support and that this is the normal expected behaviour of a baby, I really feel like it shouldn't be this hard all the time. My husband works most days and isn't around to see the worst of it, he seems to think I'm being dramatic at times but it's really beginning to take its toll on my mental health and I feel so down right now as she feels so unpredictable and unmanageable.

Anyone who could just offer some moral support or positive stories/outcomes, advice, things I can try/buy/do....anything...it would be so appreciated as really feeling at my wits end. Thanks so much x

I was you! My son was your daughter!! I promise it gets better.

I posted similar messages to you, almost a year ago. I honestly thought there was something wrong with my son; everyone else's babies were happy and content and mine was just miserable all the time. I lost count of the times I googled why is my baby miserable. I really struggled and thought I was a terrible mother. I even felt like I hated my son at various points and felt so angry. I realise now that I had pnd, which wasn't surprising- it is so hard to spend all day every day trying to make a little baby happy but just have him cry! I have also been there with the embarrassing baby classes.

So, admittedly my son did have issues like cmpa (e had a minor dairy allergy) and a tongue tie, and he did improve when we finally put him on prescription formula, BUT I do honestly believe that it was his temperament. He was born very alert and frustrated that he couldn't do anything. He was and still is very demanding and feisty. He's an amazing little boy but has always been a handful. I appreciate that now, and love him for it, but it was very hqrdbwork in the beginning.

I don't have any sound advice to make your daughter happier. Things that helped us was a strict sleep routine (we used Little Ones programme) as he was much worse when tired, regular feeds, and spending lots of time out and about (but not necessarily at baby classes) as he seemed to get bored easily. I took the carrier out with me even if he was in the pram as he sometimes wanted the pram and sometimes the carrier. I found those months really really hard and I do really sympathise. If you have any family help, please use it - a break, even for an hour or so occasionally, is so so valuable.

The good news - it gets better. My boy improved literally with every month and every milestone and now I have a very happy, cheerful and lively one year old. He is hard work, he is headstrong, and he certainly lets me know if he's not happy about something... I am still sometimes in awe or mega content babies... but you know what? He is an absolute delight and I love spending time with him now. People actually comment on his happy and cheerful he is, and what an amazing personality he has. We've come a long way since he was a few moths old when I felt like I made a mistake having him!

Basically, if your daughter is anything like my son, and they sound exactly the same, you just have to ride the early months out. I think I could have coped better it I knew that it would be okay in the end. so I hope you can take comfort in the fact that this is not forever and that it's actually a tiny portion of her life, however endless it might feel right now. Also, a lot of my NCT friends who had easy babies now find themselves struggling with their toddlers - they have found them much harder as they have grown older, whilst I have only found my son easier and easier. I expect that you will find the same eventually.

Also, I found it helped to look at what others had said, and to know this is normal. Google 'Spirited' and 'High Needs'. Both describe my son perfectly.

Thanks so much for your reply @surreygirl1987 I really appreciate your sympathy and especially your experience as it sounds like you had one just like mine on your hands and you've survived it...

I'm clinging onto the hope of it improving as she gets older, she is a fairly good sleeper at night which makes it a little bit easier, but throughout the day just a nightmare who never seems to be happy no matter what I do. I googled spirited and high needs and there definitely seems to be lots of similarities...

Thanks again for your kind words and I know I'm a few months I'll probably look back and it'll all feel like a distant memory but it's just in the moment it can be so difficult I feel helpless! I'll definitely speak to my HV or GP as I would hate to be suffering pnd and trying to suppress those emotions

You're describing mine at the exact same age. For us it was her being unable to sleep during the day.. we'd missed that after the first few weeks of napping in lights, with TV on, with people talking... Dc stopped being able to do it and was, frankly, I over tired. We got more proactive about sleep hygiene (straight into crib or sling or hooded pram if out after being awake for 2hrs, 90% of the time it caught the nap before the shrieking red face of tiredness took us by surprise).
It's not a silver bullet but it might help in case it's part of the problem, or will shortly become a problem?

Sorry that was posted in response specifically because you say good sleeper, ours too! But a frazzled frantic grumpy baby after 90min-2.5hrs of awake at most.
That's why I posted.

Argh. Good sleeper at night I meant

@OnlyAGirlsHorse thanks for the reply - yes she sleeps brilliant at night and has done for about a month or more...we put her down at 7pm after a change and feed, then I dream feed her about 10.30 and she sleeps straight after till about 6am. After that she's a nightmare!! When she'll sleep next is anyone's guess...
Like you said, she used to be able to sleep with all sorts of noise happening, tv on lights on etc etc, now she wants complete silence and calm and darkness...I'm afraid she starts confusing day with night!
I just can't seem to pinpoint anything at the minute with her, she is so unpredictable. I do think I need to be a little more structured with her but I'm just finding her so difficult right now, I feel like we're going backwards in terms of development and although I know she is only 4 months old, I feel like we're back at the newborn stage!
Everyone talks about sleep regression at this stage and it doesn't seem to be happening (yet...fingers crossed), but maybe it's affecting her during the daytime instead?
Today she was an absolute nightmare and probably one of the worst days yet and to top it all off I'm absolutely knackered so feelings are at an all time low...
What age is your little one and how have you found dealing with their sleep etc? x

Haha this is amazing. My son had always been an incredible night sleeper too! He slept through for the first time at 4 weeks old! It was his one saving grace 😂 But he seemed unable yo nap during the day since he was a week old. It was awful. All these other babies fell asleep whenever and wherever, but my son would go for hours without sleeping even at one week old and would be so tired and cry but seemed unable to switch off!!

We got the Little Ones programme which helped. We started a routine with him at 8 weeks old and stuck to it. At first we had to push him around in his pram for almost every nap but slowly we became able to make him nap in his cot. The dummy really helped. It took months of perseverance but he's actually been the best napper in the world for many months now and it makes all the difference! It honestly will be okay but I know it's so tough right now.

We're currently expecting our second child (two under 2 - eek!) and I am bracing myself for a second spirited! 😬😱

My baby was very much like this too. I've found a huge diffwre ce now that he can sit up. Before that he would moan alllll day long. He will now sit and play with toys for short periods of time and likes being in a high chair which has made a huge difference when going out to cafes as he now doesn't moan the entire time. I always look at other babies at parent groups and think why won't my baby sit happily on my knee like all the others did. He would cry and moan and wriggle or go rigid but now he will sit on the floor for a little while at least. It's so hard hearing other mums talk about their happy and content babies but it does get better x

All of this resonates with me OP. Like surreygirl 's DS, mine was often awake for 6+ hours in the day as a newborn and think his constant crying was mainly tiredness although there were some digestive issues. He screamed in the car and pram. My best friend just had a baby and I look at photos of her being passed round visitors fast asleep with jealousy- mine was always crying when people came. Like you I didn't dare go to baby groups as would have spent the whole time feeding or taking DS out.

I resorted to using the sling and his snowsuit for all naps (had to basically hood him and shush vigourously); around 4 months I was able to transition him from asleep in thr sling to rocking him in the pram inside, and eventually could just rock him in the pram (which meant I could have some time!)

At 14 months DS is still whinier than the average (and he is not a good night sleeper) but we get loads of smiles and laughs. He now loves baby groups and other children. Naps are a breeze (still in pram though!). For me things got better from around 4 months so hopefully it will be the same for you. At 6 months he was suddenly happy in the buggy. My top tip for the car is playing nursery rhymes, which has made a big difference for us.

Having a hard baby is tough

@surreygirl1987

We got Little Ones for when she was a newborn but really struggled to follow it as she was constantly sleeping and did whatever she wanted when she wanted and it was hard getting her into a routine! So felt it was a bit of a waste but I'm sure it works great for others like yourself!

We've recently got the next one up (the baby sleep programme) and are trying to work as closely as possible to the 3-4 months schedule but she's naturally sort of been in that routine they lay out for you for a while so it's been going quite well (minus daytime naps). She was a great sleeper as a newborn and slept up to 20+ hours a day, it was insane, I actually took her to the doctors almost crying saying there was definitely something wrong with her but they assured me it was normal for her age at the time...she has definitely now completely outgrown that and is a wide awake cheeky wee monkey who hates naps daytime now!

I just don't know where I'm going wrong, she seemed so settled at about 2 months and I thought great this must be her settling down (how naive of me ), but now its all started back up and she seems to hate everything and no matter what I do I can't seem to keep her happy! Does definitely give your confidence a little knock, I feel like a failure at times
Here's hoping a little bit of routine from the Little Ones programme settles it all down though...

Congrats!!! That's amazing! How old is your first born? My husband and I always said we wanted more kids but honestly don't know when the right time is (is there ever a right time?) Do you know what you're having? x

@Melrose86

Yes!!! I feel like a large part of that is the problem, she seems to whinge if she's sitting still too long, lying down too long and seems to get frustrated at the fact she can't move around and see or interact with much at this stage. I'm really looking forward to her being a little more mobile and being able to sit up and play too!
That's how I feel whenever I go places or to groups, I get so anxious as I know she won't sit happily like the other babies and I get really envious of mums with content little ones who will lie calmly and look about or go to sleep on their own happily...I want to be able to go to loads of classes and get involved/meet other mums but so far the groups I've been to have involved one screaming baby (mine) and one anxious stressed mum (me) trying to calm thy screaming baby, who goes rigid and refuses to feed, lie down, be rocked...I want the ground to swallow me up! So for now we're taking a little break on the groups and walks to the park will just have to do instead which are certainly not as entertaining or sociable but needs must...I find sitting in the house too long the most depressing thing ever so anything to get out.
I really appreciate your message relating and really do hope like your baby when she is able to sit up and play/see more she might calm down a little. Hope your little one has settled now x

Thanks! My son is 13 months now and his little brother or sister will be born when he is around 21 months I guess! I just be mad, haha! But I would never have dreamed of having more kids when he was at his most challenging, so it proves how much better he is these days! I honestly think most of it was a combination of tiredness and frustration. He just doesnt have a content temperament. It will probably get him far in life but very difficult when he's a baby!

I guess the thing that was best for me was to just accept that he has a more challenging temperament and to try not expect him to be like the other babies. As he grew older and I got to know him better, I worked around what he needed. I never went out during his lunchtime nap for instance- that would end in disaster! And I'd go to 'easy' places where if he had a meltdown it would be okay.

It definitely knocked my confidence and I felt like a failure for months, but I'm slowly realising that actually he's just really hard work and I've learned so much about parenting from having thus little chap! Anyone can be a good parent with a rrally easy baby but our ones are the ones that test you in so many ways!

The other thing I found helpful was eventually discovering people in my area with similar babies. I met someone at a mum/baby fitness club whose baby cried a lot and made an effort to chat to her. We became friends. When we first went out together as two families, my son kicked off and I apologised to them, and they said it was actually a relief to see that they're not the only ones with a difficult baby, and it was actually nice for them not to be the ones with a baby having a meltdown for a change! That made me feel better and we hang out a lot and I don't care if my son throes tantrums etc with them around. Once I found 'my' people, the people with whom my son could just be himself, I started enjoying myself more and enjoying him more too.

@hhhmmmwww

I've just found your post and could have written it myself about my 15 week old little boy. They sound absolutely identical in temperament. I love him but my god am I struggling.

If you're still on Mumsnet I'd love to know... A year or so down the line, have things improved? Would love to find out if he is a happier chap nowadays - maybe there is light at the end of this (very whingy) tunnel!

@moonriver32

This is me too!! My little girl is 15weeks and she’s the most miserable baby! She cries ALL THE TIME! 😔

How are you managing now?