My 6 year old dd periodically has tantrums of epic proportions and I need advice about how to handle it.....warning, it's a long one....

[Earlybird]

Tonight's hysterics came from a party invite. We've recently moved (to another country), and dd was invited to a sleepover birthday party with 6 other little girls. Before I'd had a chance to consider the invite, dd said she wanted to go for awhile, but didn't want to sleep over. That seemed a good solution, because we don't really know this other child or her parents (they live a 5 minute walk away, but we've only seen them/spent time with them twice).

However, before the party tonight, dd changed her mind and decided she wanted to sleepover. I told her 'no', that she could go to the party for awhile, but that I'd come back later to collect her. Cue extended crying/begging/pleading/cheeky comments. (Maybe I should have told her she couldn't go at all with that behaviour?) Anyway, I told her I wasn't going to change my mind (didn't say I wasn't comfortable because we don't really know the family/the child, because that's the kind of comment you don't want repeated because it could easily cause offense/be taken out of context).

Anyway, she went to the party and I came back to collect her - just as planned. She was having fun, and didn't want to leave, so completely fell apart. Crying, sobbing, running away, etc - a repeat of her pre-party behaviour, but with the added bonus of an audience. At one point, I wondered if I was going to have to physically remove her. I looked like the meanest mum ever, and I'm sure the hostess was wondering why I didn't just let her stay. (It probably would have been OK, but on principal, I didn't think I could 'reward' dd's tantrum by giving in.)

I don't feel I handled the situation well, but don't know what I could have done differently. She cannot get away with that behaviour because I can't/won't tolerate it everytime she doesn't get to do what she wants. Should there be further consequences tomorrow to let her know her behaviour was completely unacceptable? Could I have done anything differently to defuse the situation, or stop it from escalating?

Any advice for a Mum who is exhausted and feels out of her depth much appreciated.

I definately think it's an emotional thing - them not able to handle how they feel about stuff and I think it helps them when you verbalise it for them???? Perhaps???

That's interesting KTNoo, about being a perfectionist/having very high standards as my DD is the same. The sheets of paper and losing at games sounds horribly familiar .

Maybe we should get them together, sandyballs. Now that WOULD be interesting.

Today we added martyrdom to the list of possible meltdown scenarios. Difficult to work out what triggered it all but I think (as usual) it was anger at herself. She and ds were given the choice of going on the trampolines OR in the paddling pool (you had to pay). ds chose paddling pool and dd chose trampolines, seemed to enjoy it but came off in a foul mood. She asked then to go in the paddling pool as well (she didn't) so I assume the mood was due to feeling she had made the wrong choice. She wouldn't admit this when I tried to talk to her. We had about 30 mins of "No one ever plays with me" and "I'm just best left on my own!" I just said to her "You're obviously feeling a bit sad" then tried to change the subject. She then changed to "I'm sorry Mummy, I'm sorry". What did she want me to say? And why so complicated? Why did a nice trip out have to be ruined? I don't think ds even noticed that dd had been on the trampolines and he hadn't!

Sorry this is so long but good to rant.