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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is my DS the only 1 with a problem with his sister?

23 replies

Sunshine78 · 14/08/2007 13:33

There is a 2 1/2 year age gap between my DS and DD. DS has never been affectionate towards his sister. Only occasionaly will he ask to cuddle her (she is 10 months old he is 3 1/2) and only kisses her when he's hurt her which is a daily occurance. Others I talk to their older ones smother the baby in love and never attack them. Is he normal to keep attacking his sister? I am an only child so have no idea how a sibling relationship works and desparatly want them to love each other.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CharleeWeasley · 14/08/2007 13:35

My DS1 (3) attacks my DS2 (8 months) on a daily basis and is forever making him cry (and me for that matter) he is as good as gold when DS2 is asleep or away from the house but as soon as they are together he plays up so i think its jelousy, no idea how to overcome it though.

GooseyLoosey · 14/08/2007 13:40

Ds is 4.3 and dd is just comming up to 3.

Ds almost completely ignored dd (except for attacking her) when a baby. However, now she can talk to him and play with him they do get on much better (still attacks her though). I often now find them in bed together "reading" books to each other!

I think some small children just don't really like babies as they find them boring (must confess, I see their point).

Think they will interact more as dd gets older and therefore possibly be more affectionate but doubt that he will stop hurting her until they are much older.

SpawnChorus · 14/08/2007 13:43

DD (2.7) is horrible to DS (nearly one) about 90% of the time. She never tires of pushing him over, kicking him, slapping his head etc... It's very very wearing. However, there is a magical 10% of the time when she's really very sweet to him. Makes him laugh, cuddles him... I give her loads of praise for these occasions. It try not to intervene too heavily when she's being unloving, unless she's hurting him (which unfortunately is most of the time).

I can only hope that the golden 10% will increase as time goes on. In fact she has recently started introducing DS as 'and this is my friend DB' lol.

Original poster

Sunshine78 · 14/08/2007 14:03

Thanks for that its reassuring to know I'm not the only one whos chid attacks the baby!

OP posts:

ClareL · 14/08/2007 21:25

My DD (7) and DS (3) fight like cat and dog. My DD will torment the living daylights out of my DS and then blame it all on him. He is an absolute little whotsit - but she gets her own back. I remember it being exactly the same with myself and my bruv and sis. We used to wait for our mum and dad to walk out the front door and the fighting would start.

NAB3 · 15/08/2007 14:32

My son is 6.5 and his sister has just turned 4. He could quite happily live without her but adores his baby brother who is 2. I don't kniw if it is a gender thing or the fact that DD wants to be with him more but it does make me sad to see the way they are sometimes. DD adores DS1 anhd they can play together sometimes but the way he speaks to her is awful at times.

ClareL · 15/08/2007 18:23

My DD (7) has today (at the park) played constantly live my DS's friend (3) yet hasn't been anywhere near her own brother. Siblings are strange....

Smithagain · 15/08/2007 21:00

DD1 has never been interested in cuddling DD2 (three years younger). Hasn't actually attacked her, but just quite distant.

Suddenly, now that DD2 is two, they are partners in crime and have actually started doing stuff together. I think DD1 just doesn't "do" babies.

To be honest, I know how she feels. Am personally quite relieved to be out of the baby phase as well!

sarz · 15/08/2007 21:09

I am 23, my DB 21, we have only just started getting on!! We were never close growing up, and used to drive mum and dad crazy with constant bickering and many physical fights. I know this doent really help or give you any advice, i am just saying that unfortunatly it does happen.

UniSarah · 15/08/2007 21:59

Heck no, hes far from alone. My bro and i ( 2.5 year gap) now get on Ok coz we live 300 miles aparrt. in teh same house we fought like cat and dog. as a toddler i came close to killing him on more than one occasion, i didn't like him and didn't want him in my house. You don't get to chose your silblings unfortunatly.

claireabo · 16/08/2007 00:39

This is sad , but, my brother and I are 32 and 30 and for most of my life he has been the blue eyed boy , i accepted this and yes we did fight ,but,I would have layed down my life for him, i tried to not show it,the sad part is that we now each have kids i have 3 and he has 2 and he is so bitter and he has recently stopped my parents seeing or speaking to his children, I live at least 2 miles away and they live across the green from each other so my niece is often playing out and if my parents speak she is not ALLOWED to answer them am sorry if this isnt what you wanted to hear , but it just touched a raw nerve , my brother thinks my parents value my children over his and he just couldnt be more wrong ,sorry not helpful to you but got it off my chest i suppose

cylon · 16/08/2007 00:43

ds2 had a funny relationship with dd. she is 18 months younger. he would regularly hit her. but would never ever tolerate anyone else hurting her.
sibling relationships depend a great deal on how parents deal with them. i dont see anthing abnormal in what you say.

BandofMothers · 16/08/2007 06:44

DD1(3.8) absolutely loves DD2(1yo), but still gets jealous. She is clever and very covert in her operations against DD2. If DD2 is standing against the settee, she will inch closer and closer until she nudges her off. Not quite pushing, but the same effect
She did actually bite her finger the other day, and pinched her yesterday. So she seems to be getting worse.
She is also very sweet and loves to cuddle her, tho she will say she's cuddling her and then squeeze really hard, or squeeze just her hand and hurt her.
The only thing I can think of is to try to do stuff with both of them at the same time, to try and encourage NICE play together, and to play loads with DD1 when DD2 is asleep.

She also gets the naughty step for being mean, and if she bites or anything really mean, whatever she was doing dvd/painting/whatever gets suspended.
I also know that she could be a lot worse tho.

fortyplus · 16/08/2007 09:05

The answer is to spend as much time as possible with other children! Siblings are peculiar - my 2 are only 18 months apart and both boys so have a lot in common.

I try to give heaps of praise where due rather than criticise and never play one off against the other. Also - try to encourage them (when they're older!!) to resolve their own disputes rather than run to you, otherwise they'll use it as a weapon to gain your attention.

You have to think of tiger cubs - they 'play fight' on safe home turf to practise necessary skills for later life. Children are just the same - they love each other, really!

indiasmum · 16/08/2007 09:23

ds2 (4.7) attacks dd (2.7) daily several times a day and has done since she was a baby. ds1 (nearly 9) shows no interest in either of them bar to shout at them when they annoy him. am so {envy} of other peoples siblings who get on and protect each other etc. mine just dont have that kind of relationship. though we have alwasy tried to encourage it. the boys both have Aspergers as well so have no empathy and dont notice/ care that they have hurt each other or dd. it makes me very very sad esp as she will grow up thinking its normal. you are not the only one suffering this

mumbleboo · 16/08/2007 09:24

I think i used to beat my brother up a fair bit until we were about 4 and 2, then he suddenly fought back one day and i was never as nasty to him again.We became more of a team when our little sister showed up - she was sneaky. Once aged 3, because i didn't want to play with her, she ran into a patio door to make herself cry, then told my dad i had hit her. Even though my brother saw what happened and backed me up my dad believed her and i got into lot of trouble!But once she got a bit older and was less of a baby we got on more, and are good friends now (at 15 and 22).Your two sound quite usual, all those parents with the perfect children must be looking the other way!I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong.Children are just unrestrained human nature!

mumbleboo · 16/08/2007 09:46

indiasmum your dd will learn about normal family behaviour from you and will see from other families how brothers and sisters usually are. My cousin has aspergers and his little sister finds him difficult but still loves him,and although he often seems distant from her you can see he cares about her too, in his own way!Its easier now she is old enough to understand that he is the way he is and that's what is normal for her family.hth and sorry if i am talking about something i don't have enough experience of IYKWIM.

Jackaroo · 16/08/2007 12:53

I would counsel that you don't try and force it. My mother was an only child, and I spent my childhood (in fact about the first 33 years of my life) having it drummed into me how lucky I was to have a sibling, even though I was so jealous of them. It just made it worse. Also, constantly being told that as the eldest I had to be perfect/behave/set example/not be so mean to the little one.....just creates a wider gap.

Let them be, follow all the great advice here about lots of individual time, praise etc etc, and allow that they might be very different people at the end of it. But don't make them feel guilty if they don't really get on. We still have a fairly odd relationship, but it doesn't make me feel guilty anymore!
I hate being the eldest, and am reluctant to have anymore children precisely because of this. I have to allow that every family is different though.
Close friend of mine has two boys who used to almost kill each other (literally) on a daily basis, and now (7&5?) they are thick as thieves!
Any use whatsoever????

becklespeckle · 16/08/2007 14:33

I have a 2.5 year age gap between my DSs and at the ages yours are had just the same kind of relationship as yours do. Now they are older (7 & 4.5) they are best friends one minute and fighting the next. They do love each other but being together such a lot they are bound to get on each others nerves and now they are older I don't always intervene when they fight.

Other than biting the baby, DS1 didn't really show any interest until DS2 was a year or so old and would play with him although would get frustrated when DS2 didn't play 'properly'. He was always very protective and proud of him while others were around though ("be careful of my brother, he's only small")

I am sure that when your DD gets a bit bigger your DS will realise she's a person and show more interest and while they will probably not get on all the time, they will love each other.

manyhands · 16/08/2007 19:26

Mine are 18m and 3.5 and get on really well. I found the book Maisy's little brother by Lucy Cousins inspired DS to get on with DD when she was a baby. He even wants another baby sister and is trying to work out how to make one as Mum isn't having any more.

sockmonkey · 16/08/2007 19:41

there is a 2 year gap between my DSs, and DS1 really didn't like his brother at all when he first arrived, and for a good while afterwards. There was a lot of put baby in the bin, take him to the dump, etc. I couldn't understand why he didn't like his brother especially as my sister had a baby the same time, and the other kids loved him.
Once DS2 started to walk it all changed. I think DS1 was annoyed at the fact that the baby didn't do anything, once he could follow and copy he was a lot more interesting, and now they get on lovely (most of the time)

oregonianabroad · 16/08/2007 20:32

There's a really useful book on Amazon about siblings. I'm an only child also and have 2 boys 23 months apart, the whole love-hate thing is a mystery to me.

Three Shoes

Here's another one that has been mentioned on another thread but I haven't read it yet.
Siblings without rivalry

evenhope · 16/08/2007 21:17

DD1 (then 2.5) sprayed furniture polish in DS1s face when he was 10 months old. At similar ages DS1 pushed DS2 down the stairs. DS2 punched DS3 in the face in the back of the car when they were 7 and 5....... (just hope DS3 doesn't get his own back on DD2 as there is a 15 year gap!)

Jackaroo your childhood sounds like mine. Is yours a brother or sister? I was so affected by it I "couldn't" have two children, and ended up with 5. Made a big point of never expecting the older ones to be responsible for the others and always encouraging their individuality. (For several years they were at 4 different schools and none of their friends knew they had 3 siblings!)

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