3-year old getting hurt weekly by the same child at nursery

[HJBeans]

My DS (3) a wee boy at his nursery were inseparable for the first three years of their lives, and DS would say how much he loved him and couldn’t wait to get to nursery to play with him. We mentioned this to his parents when we saw them and tried to arrange a play date by leaving a note but didn’t get a reply and didn’t follow up. A few weeks later my DS said X had said he couldn’t play with him inside anymore, only out on the playground. A few weeks after that DS reported that X had said he wasn’t his best friend anymore and they weren’t friends, etc., which he found upsetting. His big brother advised him to find other kids to play with and he did, and we didn’t hear about X again for months. We’re now hearing about X all the time as he keeps pushing, hitting and last week biting DS. DS says he only does it when he’s angry and it’s because he isn’t a friend anymore. Spoke to nursery, who say they are actually still good friends and play together all the time, and X is hurting lots of kids, DS only gets more of it because he’s always nearby. They are managing X’s behaviour with his parents and their approach is to redirect the kids, not punish, and that they don’t dwell on the bad behaviour or bring it up again after it’s happened. We love our nursery and trust that they know what they’re doing, but I hate seeing DS hurt so frequently, especially believing that it’s something to do with himself that’s causing it. I don’t want to complicate matters but I also don’t want this to keep happening. Any advice?

To clarify, DS said X had said that his mummy had said that he couldn’t play inside, only outside. Which sounds like the sort of nutty make-believe thing a 3-year old would say. But it landed oddly after the blanking of our invitation to play.

No idea re the situation with the parents. The issue now is your son. If he's repeatedly getting hurt by the same child, the nursery have a duty of care to put strategies into place. I know it's not that easy, but it is a requirement. Getting hurt by the same child every week is unacceptable. I would have a sit down meeting with the manager. Be really pleasant and polite, explain j ow much you value the nursery and think highly of then etc, but explain your concerns and point out their duty of care. And remember, it's not up to you to provide solutions. If it persists you could contact Ofsted but hopefully it won't come to that. It is a tricky one because I can understand how hard it must be for the nursery to deal with those situations... but ultimately you can't have your child continually and repeatedly hurt by another child.

Thanks. I did speak with the manager last week following the biting incident (which followed on from pushing and slapping). And I emailed today after another pushing over. Both times friendly, but wanting to mark my concern. It helps to hear I’m not being out of line thinking this isn’t acceptable. I’m aware that they see much more of the situation than I do and say my DS still seeks out friendship with X on a daily basis. To be fair, DS was sad at the emotional stuff a while back but doesn’t seem to be too bother by the physical stuff - and even seems to want to shield the boy from blame / make excuses for him. But I don’t want him physically hurt and I don’t want him thinking it’s ok for friends to hurt you over and over again. It’s tricky as they’re so young, and it’s not intentional bullying just very poor impulse control and a tendency to lash out. It’s helpful to be reminded I don’t need to have a solution in mind and that it’s not acceptable, though, so thank you.