8 y old boy totally anti-social and miserable. What can I do?

[lovelyfrench]

My 8 DS is bright and lovely at home but is miserable with other children. He does not know how to play. He gets hit at school for being different and called 'gay'. He longs to belong to the group of children in street but everytime comes back crying bec something has happened. They now hate him and throw stones at him. So he plays in his room on his own. We have tried to reason him, we have spoken to school who have provided psychological help but it is not sorted and I see no way out. My DD who is 6 gets on with everyone in street and at school and DS is getting even more isolated. He has one friend at school (friendship I have negotiated for him). He gets so angry and frustrated that he takes it out on me. Any suggestion would be welcome.

get him to join some clubs. scouts?

He belongs to swimming club and goes swimming three times a week or more. He is very clumsy and uncoordinated so any team sport is a no no (He tried basket ball, tennis and tae kwan).
He just does not know how to relate to other people and has become scared of appproaching children.

Tackle the bullying, you cannot tolerate him being hit and called names and neither should the school. Neither should you tolerate it from children in the street. I wouldn't want to play with anyone under these circs either, you son sounds the normal one, they sound vile. Poor love. What do school suggest?

I would have thought that cubs/beavers/scouts would be a good option as there is close adult supervision and the sort of bullying he is experiencing near home would be less likely to get established.

what are his interests?

poor little mite. Children are foul, aren't they? Agree re Scouts, Woodcraft Folk or something like that.

Also, is there any way of approaching one of the mothers of the stone throwers and seeing if you can cook something up together?

My son loves trains, he loves reading, taking photographs, cooking and science, looking around museums. All those things he can do on his own and are regarded as totally uncool by his classmates. The problems start when he goes in the street. I have tackled it as much as I can but I cannot fight his battles and I am beginning to have a reputation as well as I go and see parents and say my piece! As for clubs, he is on a waiting list for scouts. One part of me thinks that a child should be able to play in the street, go on his bike etc.. that it is normal part of growing up and then we have to keep him indoors because once again he has been pushed off his bike. I hasten to say that we actually live in a fairly nice area of Britain. The school tries to tackle problems and he was seen by the school psychologist to try to boost his self-esteem and confidence, but then major bullies at school never seem to get their comeuppance. We have discussed changing school for him to get a break but that nearly gave him a panick attack.

Not sure if this sounds crazy or not, but are there any child chat-rooms he could try over the web?
Obviously you would need to keep an eye on it, but as he likes reading maybe a children's book club or discussion group. He could make friends in this unthreatining way and practise his social skills, to give him some confidence.
Not sure such thing exists, but good luck to you, it must break your heart to want to help him, but not knowing how.

The chat room might be a good plan. I will look it up tomorrow. I sort of keep an eye for any odd-ball child I can spot when we do things and then try to encourage friendship but this is a bit artificial! I want him to be strong and to be so confident that the bullies are transparent to him if you see what I mean.
Thanks for all your suggestions. It is great!

Hi LovelyFrench,

I have read your post and I can't help seeing some similarities between your son and mine. Please don't be offended but have you considered that he may have Aspergers Syndrome? My DS has been diagnosed as having mild AS and he too has trouble in social situations, although thankfully he hasn't been bullied.

The comments that stand out are about not knowing how to relate to people, ,not knowing how to play, playing on his own and being clumsy and uncoordinated. My son is into uncool things like history and maps and stuff and not at all into football or other sports. In fact, in common with other AS children he can be quite obsessive about things at times. He is also uncoordinated to the point where he is slightly dyspraxic.

I know you have seen the ed psych but has he or she ever looked at him from the AS perspective? Children have an uncanny knack of picking up on things that make others different from themselves. DS has only just turned 7 but I can see his friends beginning to move away from him in terms of interests and behaviour and your DS being a year or so older would be experiencing this more than mine. Has he always had these problems or is it something that has come about because of his treatment in the street?

If you think there maybe some truth in my suggestion (and I am no expert so please don't worry if you think I am talking complete rubbish) you may need to see your GP to get a referral to a clinical psychologist as an ed psych can't diagnose things only provide the appropriate help.

You have my sympathy though - it is awful not being able to step in and protect them every step of the way, isn't it.

also, meant to mention before that my mum has a friend who works for the Pyramid Trust. It's a national organisation that tries to help children who are isolated at school and at risk of bullying. As far as I understand it, it's a club they can attend where they learn to build confidence and social networks. I think you have to be referred by the school.

My mum's friend is amazingly experienced in children's issued (social worker and counsellor) and I know she really loves working there as she feels they really make a difference. Don't know if they are in your area but look here:

pyramid