Tell me truthfully, am I damaging ds?

[Rhubarb]

Aargh, I'm starting a thread! Only been back on 2 days and already I'm starting a thread! What if they all ignore me? No no, paranoid bad, deep breath.

This has been worrying me for ages. ds is being brought up differently to dd. I was a sahm with dd. But with ds, well he was shafted to France when he was 6 months old for 2 years and spent some time in the French creché, around 3 days a week. He hated it.

He's now 3.5 and had been going to the local nursery 4 days a week, reluctantly, but he was well cared for. I start a new job in Sept and his old nursery don't do term time only care. So I have to move him. Trouble is, I have him signed up for a nursery attached to a school, but they don't take him until the 10th and on some days he'll have to be picked up by a different nursery until I finish work. So he'll eventually be at the school nursery 5 full school days a week, 4 of those days he'll also be in the community nursery for half an hour until I finish.

But my problem is that I am currently trying to get him used to the community nursery, but he screams and cries when we pull up in the car park. He is heartbroken when I drop him off and shows no signs of settling. Even if he does settle, he'll have to get used to the school nursery too. It's all too much for him isn't it? He's so young still and I just feel that he's had too much change and not enough stability.

I really am damaging him aren't I? How can a child be that heartbroken, that hysterical, and not be damaged by that? He flings himself against the door of the nursery when I leave and I can hear him screaming my name.

and TR of course!

Anyone who is as concerned for their child as you are is likely to be a very good and sensitive mother and is highly unlikely to follow any course of action which damages their child. Life isn't easy and we all have to make the best choices we can at the time for the whole family and not just for individual members of the family. That is the best you can do and it is good enough.

and jest in case anyone hasn;t said it yet (skim read) cm's are inspected too and they have to have CRB checks (along with any other adults who are going to at hime during the day)

My CM was lovely when DS went through a clingy satge - she used to sit and cuddle him until he was better, then text me that he was just fine.

Poor you. Its a horrid situation for both of you.
FWIW my nephew went to a highly rated nursery pretty young for 4 days a week. He screamed blue murder for weeks, showed little sign of settling etc. His behaviour at home was progressively worse, not sleeping, tantruming. My sister moved him to another smaller, slightly shabby but lots of fun nursery and he settled immediately.
I guess I'm saying what suits one child wont suit another. Is there any possibility of visiting other nurseries/childminders etc and watch his reaction. My dd 'chose' her nursery - it was the only one where she wriggled off my knee to go and play. the others we visited she clung to me for dear life.
Hope you manage to work things out. You are not a bad mother. A bad mother wouldn't care a jot what was happening to her child. xx

We don't have that many nurseries up here unfortunately. And he hasn't had chance to rate the school nursery yet. I think he'll like the school nursery because of the routines, he does feel safer with routines, but he doesn't like the community nursery at all. There is only one other nursery in the immediate area and they don't do the hours I'd need.

Rhubarb, my eldest has also always struggled with settling, particularly in group situations. This book: 'Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child' really helped me to understand her better and had helpful tips. She used to take weeks to even talk in a new group, and I even got 'I have never seen a child like her' from one teacher, which was so upsetting, but things are so much easier now that she is 4. Hang in there, he will eventually settle. Can you try to spend a bit of time there with him? Send a small family photo album with him?

Thanks for all the suggestions. I'll be taking the advice offered and I'll let you know how we get on.

He does sound a child who might benefit from a childminder situation rather than a nursery. It's clear that you and he are extremely bonded and close, and maybe he would be more comfortable kind of re-creating that rather than going to two different nurseries.

You don't have to use nursery at all - is there a local pre-school? Eventually, once settled with a CM, he could do some free sessions there in order to mix with other kids who'll be going to school with him.

Or another scenario might be keeping him in his previous nursery; you can keep paying the fees as you are now for non term time, but just keep him home in the hols. It doesn't seem ABSOLUTELY necessary to move him if it's only about term time only?

By the way I am sure that you are not damaging him. These tears etc are forgotten as they grow up. What he'll remember is his loving, secure home base with you.

Rhubarb, I am a CM, and we are inspected love as often as nurseries, and most CM's have a lot more experience than young nursery nurses, if you are worried about what they will do with Ds why not look for a accredited CM, they are on a Network, and can draw the Nursery Grant from age 3 for you, they are also visited by their network supervisor, once a half term, and Dfes at least once a term.

You will find them on www.childcarelink.gov.uk, put in your post code and then read each one, the accredited ones are not listed separately.

Cheers, will do.

I really feel for you, it is horribile when you leave your DC and you hear them screaming for you as you walk away. I have had this too and it made me cry as much as DS.

I also agree that CM is worth looking into.

Another thing to consider, here in Germany almost all children go to kindergarten from the age of 3. Many now go fulltime. My DD has been there for 2 years now. She has definately not been damaged by this, in fact it has been brilliant for her development.

Aside from that, I really do think it is better to have the tears now than later when your DS goes to school.

I hope he settles soon, and that you enjoy oyur new job

dont forget u can mail me anytime and msn name is the same as here [email protected] x x keep ur chin up x

Rhubarb, if you go down the cM route found ali's list here www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2300&threadid=187824 it gives you a idea what to ask.

Ta everyone and thanks suzy, you're a star and everything custy says is true apart from yer accent being gutteral!

Well if being a working mother is better for children (my view) then you are giving him benefits his sister never got. Pat yourself on the back. Where do mothers and some fathers get all this guilt from? Is it their upbringing or the media?