Toddler tantrum and dh's handling of it - am I being unreasonable? or is he?!?!

[rony]

Ok so this may be a bit of a rant - sorry!

Ds 21 mths was just now having a tantrum about something trivial, the tantrum was pretty mild, just a bit of loud whinging and a few tears really. She's a good girl and doesn't tantrum much and when she does they're soon over and forgotten about. I tend to just let her get on with it and get it out of her system, then give her a cuddle when she's calmed down. Anyway dh really shouted at her, then when she carried on worse he said "if you don't stop you're going to bed" at which point she had a complete meltdown, so he carried her upstairs and tried to put her in bed, I could hear her screaming hysterically and calling for me, her screaming and crying just went on and on. I was trying to let him deal with it and not interfere as I do think we should not undermine each other. but I was so upset about his go to bed comment as I don't want bed to become a punishment, she loves her bed! she's a wonderful sleeper and still having a lunchtime nap - I just really don't want her to start seeing it as a bad place. Also it was upsetting me how much of a state she was getting herself into. So I went up and she came running over for a cuddle - I tried not to talk about it in front of her, just said can we talk about it later. But dh now furious, accusing me of nagging and interfering - and refusing to discuss it as he says I'll just criticise him.

What do you think?! I really don't want to undermine him but then his discipline techniques are really rubbish!! and she's such a good girl, we really don't have any problem with her so obviously my techniques are working!!

The bed threat is a really bad idea in my opinion. She's far far too young to not run the risk of bad associations if tantrums, loss of control and anger become related with her bed.

Best to just ignore ignore ignore at this age. Maybe when she's 2 or even 3, then you can think about having a step or somesuch for timeouts. But she is too young IMO at themoment for that.

Don't be too hard on your dh though (sounds like you're not, and good not to udermine in front of your dd). We all make crap decisions when we're cross sometimes.

I think you were right, and need to suggest to dh that bed should not be associated with punishment. I think he needs to understand the brain development of toddlers to 'get' how she behaves and what she can comprehend. There's a great book called 'How Babies Think' by some child psychologists who are quite human and talk about their own kids in a 'we've all been there' way rather than a 'we are the experts you are merely ignoramuses way'.

Its the sort of thing that has to vary by family and by child. Atteh momenet bed is the right place for boy when hes tantraming IF hes over excited and or tired, being in his cot on his own in his boring bedroom lets him unwind and relax. then we can start again.
I was un sure aboutthis approch when DH started using it but accept it works for our kid at this point in time.

Rony I think your approach is spot on.

I think your dh is over-parenting here actually. You can't really STOP a tantrum IME. You do have the power to ignore it, and/or remove them/you to another room so it's not in your face, but shouting, threats and being taken to bed as punishment will not actually DO anything to stop the tantrum.

i think if the tantrum is really, really bad and your finding that being with you is just prolonging it and giving a focus for the anger, then I do think being taken to their room/desginated room to have time out, can be a good idea. It worked for me, though I only actually had to do this a handful of times with ds.

Ignoring is the most powerful tool once a tantrum is going. Tell your DH you can't actually stop it so there's no point in doing this stuff. He certainly made it worse, didn't he!

I have heard myself saying 'She's just a child' to my dp about our 21 month old dd a few times. He's a lovely daddy. He just doesn't have to deal with her as much as I do. Sometimes I feel that I am teaching them both (and I'm no expert).

Anyway, I have found that a gentle reminder that dd is just a wee thing and gets emotional melts his heart and he stops being a grump.

Hope this helps.