Please help - 3 year old snatching toys and lashing out and I can’t make him stop.

[Dottydoodoo]

Sorry this will probably be long!

I have a DS who is 3.6 and I am really struggling to know what to do about him snatching toys and lashing out at other children, mainly when he is at nursery. I went to collect him today and was told again that he has been snatchy and lashing out at other children when they won’t hand over the item that he wants, and I am just so exhausted by it. He has been there since April surely he should have got this by now? His teacher was saying that she has noticed he gets fixated on one particular toy and will not stop pursuing that child until he has got it but then he doesn’t actually seem to want to play with it it seems more of an attention seeking thing as he will then discard it and do something completely different. I wouldn’t say I have noticed him being fixated on one object in that way myself but I am not at nursery with him. Out and about if it happens I usually end up wrestling the thing off him and giving it back to the other child and then carrying him away from the situation so he can calm down and so I can avoid the other parents as I find the whole thing quite embarrassing as he just will not listen to me, it’s as if something has taken him over. Saying all of this he had got a lot better and I thought we had turned a bit of a corner with the snatching and hitting but after today obviously not.

His nursery teacher today mentioned getting someone in, a specialist she said to observe him and see if they can offer any input or they may just think it is typical three year old behaviour. This has scared me as I am not sure who this specialist is and what it is they are looking for. We have had a few nursery pick ups lately where they haven’t mentioned any bad behaviour just said he’s had a really good day and now all of a sudden there is talk of a specialist. Should they not be telling me at each pick up if he has been snatching/hitting or am I expecting too much?

Saying all of this he is a lovely little boy - he can recognise when he has done wrong and upset somebody and shows remorse and will apologise. I don’t have any concerns about ASD or I didn’t think I did but this is making me think otherwise. He is very chatty, loves singing, cuddles, makes eye contact and he enjoys playing with other children who are just that little bit older than him. I just don’t know how to handle the snatching and chaos that comes with it as in that moment he will not listen to me. I must admit I think I am or have been too soft on him and shouting gets us nowhere, so I am worried that I have caused this behaviour too.

I am sorry this is so long and probably doesn’t even make sense! Has anyone else had a three year old who won’t stop snatching? Or had this specialist in at nursery? Or got any tips for how I can control the situation and make him stop and listen to me? I’m sure all children have their moments at some point but this just feels never ending and I am worried that DS will end up starting school next year and having no friends as he cannot manage to be nice to anyone.

It will be an Area SENCo (or same person by another name) I should imagine.
Absolutely nothing to be concerned about.
They are a pair of eyes with lots and lots of experience, who will observe your ds for a while, talk to the staff and ask the staff lots of questions about what he does / doesn't do.
Sometimes they will offer advice to the staff, about the way they talk to a child or the way the room is set up, or the way they respond to any challenging behaviours. Sometimes they do say they see enough concerns to recommend further assessments. Sometimes they say they see nothing to be worried about and offer a bit of behaviour management advice.

Thank you BackforGood that is really helpful. I should have asked at the time more about it but I didn’t think to I just went into panic mode! Do you know if they would observe him over a few sessions or would they just come in for one day?
I am not (was not!) concerned I had just put it down to typical three year old only child behaviour that he would grow out of, but I am no expert and clearly have not done a very good job with my DS he really is such a sweet little boy who is so interested in the world around him and I feel as if I have failed him.

In my authority, they (sadly) don't have the capacity to observe a child more than once - hence lots of conversations with the staff about how 'typical' or otherwise what they see is.

Hi OP, I feel your pain. My DS is very similar age to yours and we've not had a snatching problem, but I've suddenly got ASD concerns from what his nursery said. Minor things, or so I thought, but they obviously saw a problem. I would definitely take your nursery up on their offer of a SENCO observing him. My DS has just started school nursery and it's very much a watch and wait which is horrible. I don't think the SENCO is involved with mine yet, but I sort of wish she would as I would trust her judgement.

And you haven't done a rubbish job. If there are behavioural issues, there's nothing you could have done. And if there aren't, it's most likely just a phase. I find the whole nursery thing frustrating as we can't control what our children do when they're there. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on discipline of my DS when he's at home.