Has gentle parenting ruined her? 11.5 mo a nightmare

[windyermummyup]

Help! I'm at my wits end.

My daughter is 1 in two weeks. She is still breastfed (bottle refuser), mostly carried everywhere and we still co sleep.

And she's a nightmare.

Unless she's being held or on the boob she's usually screaming. She rarely settles with anyone else (I've just gone back to work for three days a week and by the sounds of it she's screamed with grandparents/nursery for three days).

Sometimes even having a quick shower while she's with daddy is difficult!

It's got to the point now where I really resent it. I want my boobs back. I want to sleep in a normal position. I want to go in to work and do my job without thinking of her screaming all day.

Has anyone else had anything like this? Did you come through?

Just to add to it in 2.5 weeks time me and the OH are going away for 4 days. She's never been without me overnight ... we booked it thinking she'd improve by then and to be honest she's just got worse ... our babysitters (OH parents) are seriously fretting about it as am I.

I don't feel like I'm the best to help you OP, but since no one else has replied I'll give it a shot...

You can resolve these things with gentle parenting, I'm sure. You want her to be happy when she's put down. How long will she let you put her down for? My DS was a very needy newborn, but I'd put him down and pick him up as soon as he was unhappy. Gradually the time he was happy when lying down got longer. What happens if you sit on the floor and play with her?

Cosleeping I can't really help with because I always hated it because of the uncomfortable position, but there have been tonnes of threads on how people moved away from it. What happens if she falls asleep with you next to her and then transfer her into the cot? Then you can work on transferring her more and more awake.

She's a bottle refuser, but does she take a cup? You can start replacing feeds until you're at a level you're more happy with (since she's nearly 1, I'd start introducing cow's milk now).

It'll take time, but you can get through! There are a lot of issues that you're not happy with, pick one at a time and work away at them. It usually takes at least a week for them to get used to a change. It probably won't happen in 2.5 weeks for your trip, unfortunately. Good luck, and

You aren’t going to like this but you need to get tough. If you aren’t happy with the situation you can change it. As the poster above said, pick the most urgent things first and tackle those. Both my boys were bottle refusers but in desperation they would drink out of a tommee tippee cup. I left DS1 for the first time at 14 months and was dreading it although he wasn’t unusually clingy (and I am not a gentle parent really 🙈) but we did have the boob issues that you have. I found that he coped really well, he surprised me, and I think when you aren’t there for a period of time they do just get on with it, survival I guess.
The sleeping.... I’ll probably get flamed for this but the co-sleeping needs to stop. You aren’t happy with it and therefore it’s not doing it’s job. Own bed, strict (but enjoyable) bedtime routine and once she’s in bed she stays there. It’s tough for three nights. The Supernanny book is good on this. I’ll probably get flamed but I’ve taken this tougher approach to bedtime from 1 year as both of mine had a propensity to take the piss at bedtime, especially DS1. You have to get their sleep sorted by 18 months otherwise you’ll have a non-sleeping three year old on your hands before you know it. According to gentle parenting experts by eldest should be psychologically damaged by this approach.... you know what, he’s an absolutely brilliant boy and he’s 6 now. My 3 year old is fine too (when he’s not being a typical 3 year old). So don’t feel too guilty. You need your life back a bit.

And yes to the cows milk as the PP says, warmed, in a tippee cup.

I agree with chippityDoDa, although ive no idea what getting flamed is ?
You've got >2.5 weeks to get your act together. Co-sleeping all this time, would have put a strain on both you and your OH. You will go through hell until then. Try different teats, although I'm a great believer that natural is best, DD has got to make the transition, or go without as long as you can stand it. Try getting the OH parents to do it, with you not there, it may well be enough for DD not seeing an alternative, to try the bottle. DD should have been in her cot after feeds from day 1. Your OH sounds like a hero, no wonder you've booked some time away.

I co-slept all night with my youngest until around a year. She completely refused her cot. I couldn't take anymore and was ready to make the change. Basically I did our usual bedtime routine then put her in her cot and stayed with her. She cried for 50 minutes. I kept reassuring her and telling her to lie down. It was hard but I stayed calm. I had to repeat a couple of times through the night. I felt awful but it worked. The next night there were no tears but it did take 20 minutes. Since then we haven't really had any problems. Just try to stay consistent.

Yes to moving away from the co-sleeping as soon as you've decided that it's no longer working for you, but I resent the guilt-tripping language used by the likes of @Notodontidae - "DD should have been in her cot after feeds from day 1". It's not helpful when you're a shattered and sleep deprived mother in the initial months. With breastfed babies especially waking up so often, and sometimes taking ages to feed, co-sleeping in the early days can be absolute lifesaver. But this isn't the early days any more.

7-month old DD is similar in some ways, different to others. Bottle-refuser and co-sleeper (although I'll transfer her to her cot for 4-5 hours during the night), but when she was younger I was adamant on constantly putting her down for floor/play time whenever she was awake, and now she'll happily crawl around like a maniac with OH looking after her, so I can get away for 3 hours at at a time. The downside to this is that bedtimes are also a nightmare (absurd bursts of physical activity late into the evening, pulling to stand on everything), so will need to impose a strict routine myself...soon.

You have not 'ruined' your daughter, she is going through a period of lots of transitions with you going back to work and her having to adapt to new childcare arrangements. Personally I wouldnt be looking to add in any more changes at once. I would wait til she has settled more into her new routines before trying to tackle anything else but it's up to you of course.

I never co slept and I hardly breastfed so I don't have specific advice but I agree some of the replies are not helpful, basically attacking you for some of the chocies you made. You made choices that were best for you and your DD and you are changing those choices now that you think they are no longer what's best - that's absolutely fine. You have done s great job, you are doing a great job, you're just adapting and doing what is right for you and your family. The comment about your OH being a hero is actually ridiculous and just such a reflection on how we view mother's and their husbands. Like your OH is the one who this has been hardest on, when it is YOU who has had to sleep on the uncomfortable positions, YOU who has breastfed your baby, getting up in the night to do it etc . Your OH may be fantastic, I have no idea, but you are the one who has born the brunt of the sleeping and feeding arrangements for almost the last year - YOU are a hero.

My son is coming up for 11 months and he’s sounding a lot like your daughter. Since I went back to work a few weeks ago his mood changed dramatically! I’m putting it down to possible separation anxiety. He doesn’t nap when he used too and he’s not sleeping in his own bed now, he’s now in with us, something I never did but now that I’m back at work, I have to take him into bed otherwise we wouldn’t get the sleep. Is your daughter trying to walk or teething? My boy is doing both so I know he’s frustrated at that aswell!
Nothing your doing wrong, my boy was easy peasy now I’m at my wits end too!

It’ll all get better, I think patience is the answer, good luck xxx

I think 11 months ish is one of the peak times for separation anxiety - which sucks as is the time a lot of people are trying to settle kids into child care. I think you need to give yourself and your daughter a break - you haven't done anything wrong and she's not really a nightmare - just transitioning into new routines. My twins got much more clingy when they started daycare, they also bf much more at night to make up for no daytime feeds (my daughter was also a bottle refuser). Co-sleeping saved me as it meant i still got some sleep. They did settle down eventually and I night weaned them and stopped co-sleeping at 18 months. If you're ready to move on now (and I totally get the feeling of needing space and sleep) there are lots of guides to moving on from co-sleeping and gentle weaning (e.g. Jay Gordon and Sarah Ockwell Smith). However, it is probably going to take more than 2.5 weeks. Is there any way your trip can be rescheduled? I can see why you and the grandparents are worried about it.