DD1, 2.5 yo, is driving me mad- what do I do with such an arguementative/agressive/non-stop child?!?!

[nowiamfedup]

I have a DD2 who is 10 months that just whines and whines and whines, combined with DD1 who is so stroppy, arguementative and I am just completely losing my patience!!!

It has just become so difficult with them both, I am nakered by the time I have finally got them in bed, so nothing else in the house gets done!
I really don't know how to deal with her, DP is struggling as we were both brought up with the so-called 'smacking method' and he thinks it is the only option- this just fuels an already highly tempered/agressive child!!!!!

Aaaarrgggh, we admit it we are crap parents but how do I deal with this child!?|?!?!?!

Sorry rant over

You know, the best book I read on childcare which might help you here was Toddler Taming - sorry, can't remember author off-had. Not too hippy-dippy, but also not hard and uncaring. Worth a go if you are losing it, honest.

Thanks hudgebar, I will have to look into that for the sanity for us all!!

i have a 10 mth old too, and he can be both whiny or boisterous! i thought that "Secrets of the Babywhisper for Toddlers" was excellent.

my baby gets to his worst when i am stressed myself. do you think you are all feeding off each other? he also gets bad when he hasn't had enough sleep. you say you are knackered when you have finally got them in bed....that suggests bedtime is a struggle, which could be cos they are overtired. an earlier bedtime could help? my baby goes down at 7, and then i know that its adult time, glass of wine, or two, film, dinner, and that can keep me sane!

what are their naps like?
do you get time with them both individually?

as for arguements, the best advice i have heard is "pick your battles!" dont bother battling over anything you dont have to fight over! decide what your priorities are, (manners? what food they eat? etc) and relax with the rest. BUT once you have decided stick with it. children need consistent, loving boundaries. they need to know where they are at. so my baby knows he can get out of his buggy on the bus, cos its not something i want to fight over. but he doesnt have sugar no matter how much he wants to eat someone elses sweets!
maybe sit down with your partner and make a list of what you both think, see if its the same, and prioritise. one step at a time. if its a bedtime, accept it will take time, that you won't back down, and that you will gently and lovingly make this happen. gentle is important, cos its not your kids fault that you havent set these boundaries yet! (Tracey Hogg calls it "accidental parenting" which i quite like.)do it with love, care, firmness. and dont back down.
they are both little, they can be educated into a happier, easier way for you all. it might seem like hard work, but it will be less than waiting another few years when things are more ingrained. i have been amazed at how quick my little one has taken to his "re-education!"
best of luck! let us know how it goes!

Thanks MaeBee, bedtime is not necessarily a struggle but I am literally putting DD2 to bed first, about half an hour- hour, then when I am done, it's DD1 to bed- about half an hour! So it's quite an epic battle just to get them to bed..
My DP is currently off work due to anxiety and stress so he can't handle being around the kids, so majority of responsibility falls to me to do.

I just find it exhausting and the last few days all I have been saying is 'NO' and 'Dont do that' to my youngest who is bouncing off the walls. I don't get much time with either of them, my DD1 is off from playgroup at the mo for half term, so I usually have the mornings with DD2 who drives me mad as she refuses to let me put her down- due to me carrying herso much when she was little as she had awful reflux and wind!

Sorry, it is just so hard with such a difficult child

it does sound hard. motherhood is, and ive only got one and a dp who does 50/50! sounds really tough having your partner not well enough to help either. have you chatted with him about what contribution he CAN make to the running of the house? the cooking, cleaning, stuff to take on which isn't stressful?
my boy likes to be carried a lot too, and its backbreaking. it helps if when i go into a room i sit and give him some proper playtime before even TRYING to put away the laundry, do the washing up etc. so i sit and bang a pan with him in the kitchen for a little bit before standing up, still singing and then do a bit of washing up. this way i know that when he's down for naps its ME time.
i would suggest too that maybe your older one is of the age they can be a bit of "help"...i put that in inverted commas cos i mean more to occupy them than actually help! kids usually love to be thought of as responsible. so you can get them to carry their dirty bowl to the sink...lots of praise...etc. and maybe to help play with the little one?
im sure you have thought of all this, but sometimes going back to basics and remembering can help. i would also say resign yourself to not doing too much right now. you are looking after 2 kids, your dp, and yourself. the cooker doesn't have to be cleaned! put you on the list of prioriites even if thats just 30 mins a day doing something you want to do, reading, taking a bath etc.
is there anyone near you to help? can you meet up with a mother from playgroup for a playdate? or even swap a couple of hours with one?

Your 10mo sounds like mine - v clingy atm, hyper, constantly doing stuff he shouldn't! Think it's just that gae. Well done on dealing with a toddler at the same time - not sure I could manage that. 2 things help me:

I work 4days a week, DS is at childminders 2 days (Dh works from home) so we both have 'child-free' days. You say playgroup is lcosed for the summer: is a childminder/babysitter/shoving them onto Granny an option for a day or even a hakf day a week? If you're doing everything it must be exhuasting. I'd also have a serious chat with your partner, OK he i stressed but could he manage a little but, like taking them for a walk for half an hour?

Getting out of the house. Esp in this weather, DH or I take DS to the park every day for a run around. Apart from eating theidd twig, he can't come to much harm and it wears him out. Could you take a couple of balls and some sandwiches and get outside?

at typing - hope it is clear

Tracey Hogg (baby whisperer) is very good. Picking your battles is also key. I found (still find) it helpful to remember that just because they can do something themselves, doesn't mean that they always have to do it.

Eg, we take our shoes off when we come home. The LOs can do this from very early on. Sometimes they love the 'grown-up-ness' of it, and do it without even being told, sometimes they need telling. But when it gets to the point that I'm yelling at them, or running after them, or nagging them, that's when I know that it's time for me to travel backwards in time a bit and treat them a little younger. So if they don't take their shoes off I just do it myself without any comment. Much calmer house. Eventually they start taking their shoes off themselves again. This can be applied to many things.

Older children (like yourdd1) learn what presses your buttons. It's not maliciious, they just need you to react to them - a happy reaction is best, but any reaction is good because it shows them that they are important to you and that you are paying attention to them. If you don't want them to repeat a behaviour that drives you mad, don't react. It can be very difficult! But it's best to respond level-headedly, not screaming-bansheely. I often lose my rag over things (I plead sleep-deprivation with a non-sleeping never-sleeping 9mo), and then the older ones cry and sulk and lash out at each other. But when I respond quietly and calmly, even though I'm furious at whatever it was they did, they really take it on board and accept that what they did was wrong, and generally don't repeat it. At least, not for a long while.

Wouldn't it be nice to be a Perfect Parent?

thanks for all the replies!!

my partner usually shift works so he has very limited experience with the kids, he has been off work for a little while now and is now realising just how hard it is with the kids! he is finding it so difficult to cope with my dd1, they have total personality clash and dd2 cries so much he cant calm her! she is too used to me!

i will look at the tracey hogg book, i did read the first baby whisperer book (was that even by her? i cant remember!!) and found some useful tips in there!

dd1 sees my mother on the weekends when she goes to library but unfortuantely i find this just stressful because she doesnt want to come home often as obviously granny showers her with attention and all the things she shouldnt have- as in biscuits!!

it is exhausting.. i am currently watching dd1 eat polysterene and dd2 is trying to eat my mobile phone!

have resorted to sticking kids in car to drive them to sleep so i get some peace for myself