'High needs' baby to 'spirited' toddler...

[MeadowHay]

Anyone else? I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and the bad days are sooo exhausting. I know everyone has good and bad days and I know I shouldn't compare DD, 14 months to anyone else but...everywhere we go the other similarly aged toddlers are off playing with a parent keeping an eye out for them. DD is the only one who 1) can't walk, 2) tantrums - this includes laying on her front screaming and kicking her legs and smacking her arms into the floor or just randomly throwing her whole body back on the floor so I have to keep hold of her otherwise it means she repeatededly bangs her head on the floor, 3) constantly wants whatever toy anyone else has and cries about it, 4) falls and hurts herself a lot and cries about it (see above comment re not walking), 5) is hysterical with every nappy change, 6) often randomly starts screaming the place down for no apparent reason and is sometimes totally inconsolable, 7) is shy and clingy - if another child comes near her she cries, and often she won't let me put her down to play at all 8) tries to bite me when she is annoyed. The other parents are sitting drinking tea and chatting and I'm spending most my time trying to stop her from crying every 5 mins.

I am TIRED and whilst I have some parent friends, I just feel alone because they just have no idea what it's like to have a toddler who behaves like my DD! She was a nightmare baby and screamed all the time when she was younger too. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

In my experience a difficult baby became a difficult toddler and difficult school age child. (Both my dc!)
They were always into everything. Spoke early and well. And dc1 has turned out quite bright. She is however still very hard work. And confrontational, wont do as told.

Does yours repeatedly try to bang their head as isnt that a symptom of asd in some kids.
How is she with speech/pointing/clapping etc?

I get it, I really do. Sending a hand hold. It’s so hard to be the only mother in the group that is constantly trying to wrangle a discontented, emotionally labile child. You have all my sympathy.

The turning point for us was when DS started walking.. and then talking. He is a very different toddler now (21 months) and actually pretty chilled out. My high needs infant is no more! Only telling you this to give you hope. The ability to move and communicate his needs made all the difference. It took me a lot longer to get my confidence back however.

I promise you aren’t doing anything wrong x

Thanks both, although not sure Helix post is v reassuring but I appreciate the honesty!

Sorry, I meant she repeatedly bangs her head as in she would keep hurting her head by the way that she goes to slam herself backwards into the floor when she's tantrumming - not that she like repeatedly intentionally bangs her head against the floor one bang after another. I am super aware of ASD markers as I am on the spectrum myself, however I am trying my best to relax about it all and just let her be who she is, whether that is on the spectrum like me or NT like her DF.

But she's nothing like you describe Helix in terms of speech or anything. Her development has generally been towards the late end of 'normal' with most things, although she has good fine motor skills. Speech is towards the later end of normal I think? There are a lot of consonent sounds that she has never made yet, and she doesn't really say any proper words - she says 4 'words' but they aren't like dictionary words iyswim. I don't want to write them as might be outing. She points and claps and shakes her head no, responds to her name. I've been realising over the last couple of weeks she can understand words I say a lot now (.e.g 'drink', 'brush your teeth', 'hello', 'finished', 'bye bye', that kind of basic thing) but I don't know if it is a normal amount or little as I don't know what is normal.

Baffled When did your DS walk and talk? DD wants to walk but she is so risk averse. She won't even stand herself - she can but if you let go she stands fine but then panics and immediately sits down! It's really holding her back, poor thing.

She sounds developmentally right on track 🙂 I have always very tuned into ASD concerns too but if your DD is pointing to show interest, responding to her name and making attempts to communicate I wouldn’t worry. Her receptive language sounds good for her age and her expressive fine too! My DS had about 2 words at 14 months, 30 by 18 months and I couldn’t count now he’s 21 months.

DS started walking properly at around 15 months although took his first steps at 13. He chilled out around 15/16 months significantly.

She will get there, honestly you’re doing just great

I had a high needs baby who turned into a spirited toddler. No communication worries but extremely defiant. We had no concerns about ASD but I strongly suspected ADHD.

She struggled with behaving at school from day 1 and got an ASD with SPD diagnosis at 8. She can communicate well, make eye contact, has friends, tells jokes and is clever with language.

I’m not suggesting your DC has ASD, just that speech development, pointing, imaginative play can all develop normally in the earlier years and a person can still have ASD.

I'm not really worried about ASD diagnosis/no ASD diagnosis anyway tho. I have an ASD diagnosis! I just feel very alone irl because I don't know anyone who has experience of a baby/toddler like this. And I also feel clueless as to how best to deal with her behaviour and how to keep her happy and feeling secure and loved and developing.

I feel your pain. I had a high needs baby and the type of toddler that never entertained himself, always wanted mummy to be there. So I think finding ways to cope rather, than worrying about any special needs is the answer. He is hard work but very sweet and sensitive, stubborn, probably a undiscovered genius.

If things you are doing with her are not working out try another group or activity. It really doesn't mean anything if all the other children love that activity and yours doesn't, it just means it suits their nature.

My DS was and still is very risk adverse and still won't slide down most slides I would change his nappy with him standing up, because he would not lie down. You can find the what ways for your DD. Don't be afraid to do it differently.

My DS took ages between learning to crawl and walk. He finally did it when on holiday, between two arm chairs, so I think sometimes a change of scene can motivate them.

Yes my DD is very sensitive too. She gets upset if she hears/sees another child crying and instantly looks at me worried and I have to reassure her. I want to try the standing changes for wet ones but the few times I have tried I felt it was harder and took longer as she's obviously still not cooperative lol and then she was getting annoyed and upset anyway. As part of my ASD I have poor motor skills so nappy changing is slower/harder for me in general so I'm sure that doesn't help either of us, but she is awful with nursery/DH/DM changing her too so it's not just me. I think I've finally found a way to make it less stressful for her, bought her another Sleepytot bunny as she sleeps with it on a night and stuck a dummy on and she has been a lot better than before. Idk why I didn't think of that before! I'm hoping we can eventually transition to just the bunny without a dummy on it but we will see.

Yes DD used to look worried on a slide xD but we went to the park last weekend and she actually cracked a tiny smile on one once so we are making progress!

Thanks for all your reassurance everyone. I wish there was a baby and toddler group just for people with high needs/spirited little ones! I could have especially done with that with a screaming baby, where everyone else's babies also screaming so we all felt less alone haha

Oh God, MeadowHay, I would be right there with you at the high needs/spirited toddlers group! It would need padded walls.

DS is 23 months and has always been very hard work. I used to worry so much because he was the one baby who never wanted to join in activities at baby classes, screamed most of the time, went apeshit if anyone picked him up, hysterical if I attempted to go to the toilet. None of the other babies were like this.

Now the main issues are tantrumming, knocking everything over, throwing things, running away half the time and glued to me the rest. Still not sleeping well either. I thank Jesus for my three days at work. His biting and scratching has calmed down (with me repeating gentle hands, staying calm and stroking him to show him what to do instead). He still goes for DH because DH wails like a banshee and hasn’t twigged that this is precisely what DS wants. But he can be the sweetest, loveliest, funniest wee boy.

He didn’t walk until 17 months and nobody was concerned so I wouldn’t worry about that too much.

Sympathy and solidarity

Also, there’s a lovely Facebook group for parents of high needs/spirited children.

Is it the 'Raising Your Spirited Child' group? I'm in that but I feel like most of the posts and stuff are for older toddlers/children so I feel a bit daft posting about DD atm. I am in the process of reading the book but again most of it is geared for older toddlers/children. I am sure your DS is a lovely little lad . Nursery told me today she has started trying to bite the other children that were sitting next to her ! I know this is normal but mortified at the idea of her hurting anyone. They said they are trying to 'gently discourage' her lol. I dunno what to do about that, at home I just move out the way so she can't bite me and I just ignore it. I dunno if standing still and saying 'no' etc will encourage it more by giving her a reaction, that's what my thought was but maybe I'm just being too soft?