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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I can't cope anymore

20 replies

22mummy19 · 31/08/2019 15:33

Hi, as I'm writing this I'm literally in pieces.
I have 4 children and i am currently expecting a little boy in October. I have a four year old who has ADHD, Twins who turn 3 in September (a boy and a girl) and an 11 month old. I'm only 22.
I have no support despite my pleas for help, the only person who helps me if my mother but she is severely disabled and cant help much with regards to my children. My partner is severely depressed so right now, I am HIS support. I'm a fairly strong girl, I've been through a lot. I love my kids with every inch of my heart, but these past two years my kids behaviour has become out of control. And when I say I've tried everything, please believe me. I have tried EVERYTHING. My house is falling apart from my eldest children ripping doors off of hinges, they've broken cupboards and drawers in the kitchen, broke any safety gates I have ever owned, broke 12 TVs, and 4 bunkbeds. I have currently given up my bed for them as they broke their bed and I can't afford to replace it just yet and I am also scared to replace it because I know they will break it again. (They've had both metal and wooden beds) so while I'm heavily pregnant I currently sleep downstairs on my sofa so they have a bed to sleep in. My kids behaviour has become so bad that I get frightened to go out in public, even if it is just to the shop. My partner lives miles away from me and is only here 2 days a week, hes the father of my youngest and unborn child. So im indoors alone with all 4 children a lot. I have not had a single day away from any of my children apart from when I had my youngest boy. Im really struggling and often feel like my only escape is to go to sleep and not wake up. I feel guilty. I often stay up till early hours cleaning just for my kids destroy the house by 8am the next morning. Im helpless right now

OP posts:

nowifi · 31/08/2019 17:26

Wow that is a lot to have on your plate at such a young age. You sound at the end of your rope, understandably. Have you contacted your local children's centre or something to see if they have anyone that could come round and help you? I'm sure there was something called sure start or something.

In the nicest possible way your partner's depression is no excuse for him not to help you, why does he only see you and the kids twice a week? How is this even working for you? You really need some support and he needs to step up, could you ask his family for help? Also you should probably look at your contraception methods to avoid anymore pregnancies, again I mean that in a nice way but it doesn't sound like you can cope with much more.

SmartPlay · 31/08/2019 21:17

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Rainatnight · 31/08/2019 21:24

That is a horrendous amount to cope with. You need real life help, really quickly.

If you’ve got a children’s centre near you, that would be a great place to start. Just tell them everything you’ve written here. You can ring them if you can’t get out of the house to visit (though they’d be completely non-judgy about your kids if you did go). They can put you in touch with services who can help, including parenting programmes (I know you’ve tried everything but there are some tried and tested approaches out there that anyone can learn, like the Triple P programme).

There’s also a programme called Home Start, who have trained volunteers who support struggling families. Google it in your area to see if it’s available.

You could also try your health visitor, if she’s any good?

Is the four year old in school and are you getting any free nursery hours for the three year olds?

Rainatnight · 31/08/2019 21:26

SmartPlay, that’s not helpful. Things are where they are, and this woman needs help, so if you don’t have anything constructive to say, then why bother posting?

JayDot500 · 31/08/2019 21:34

Woah! How did you get into this situation?! How else are you supposed to feel but exhausted! You are doing everything alone, but honestly this is a result of some poor decision making.

The phrase 'one day at a time' applies here, you really need a whole new strategy to deal with your situation because your children's behaviour is likely to be a symptom of a bigger problem. This depressed partner of yours needs to figure out if he's in or out, because you honestly don't have time to wait for him; you need help NOW. If you don't try and get some outside help, I actually am worried about how you'd cope. Tbh, I'd be looking to contact SS to see if they could help in any way, and please do contact some form of mental health/woman's organisation for your own needs.

... And yes, you need proper contraception!!!!!

SmartPlay · 31/08/2019 21:35

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Rainatnight · 31/08/2019 21:54

SmartPlay there’s lots I could say but I don’t think a thread of argy-bargy will be helpful to the OP so I’m going to leave it there.

Original poster

22mummy19 · 31/08/2019 21:59

Scuse me, I fell pregnant at 17 with my first, which was down to my own fault. I was then sexually assaulted by his father after we had broken up and fell pregnant with my twins which I didn't find out about until I was 16 weeks pregnant. I fell pregnant while on the implant with my youngest boy. And yes, i myself have phoned the social for advice and they sent someone out, visited me and my children at our home, and I was told how lovely our home is and how well I am actually coping by myself at my age. So thank you:) I was told that my twins may be mimicking my eldests behaviour as he has ADHD, he can't necessarily help his behaviour at times. Thank you for jumping to conclusions though.

OP posts:

june2007 · 31/08/2019 22:01

Seek help. Does Do your children go to day care? If your oldest is 4 will he be at school this year? I would say to your HV that you need support. This could be in a way of perhaps ways to manage your childrens behaviour, Offering support groups, child care. Advice for partners depression. I understand it can be scary asking for help but it seems you need it.

SmartPlay · 31/08/2019 22:12

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Original poster

22mummy19 · 31/08/2019 22:17

I was sexually assaulted and got pregnant with my twins. The man to do this was the father of my eldest while awaiting sentencing for hitting me a month prior to this, I took my son to his parents house so they could see him and he was waiting there. He's now in prison., my eldest 3 have the same dad, my youngest is to my current partner.

OP posts:

SmartPlay · 31/08/2019 22:23

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Original poster

22mummy19 · 31/08/2019 22:30

"may very well be true"
IS TRUE. Me along with two other girls who he abused.
My eldests behaviour started as soon as he began to walk, uncontrollable tantrums, he gets very overwhelmed. I was only told that he has ADHD a week ago, and he now has to be assessed for autism which is understandable. My twins behaviour only really spikes up when my eldest boy is having a meltdown, when having one on one time they're good as gold, they're also really well behaved when they are at nursery away from their older brother. I was hoping another mum with a child who has issues has experienced something similar with their other children's behaviour. And I've been pregnant twice since my twins, not 3. My eldest was conceived when I was still on the implant

OP posts:

SmartPlay · 31/08/2019 22:34

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Original poster

22mummy19 · 31/08/2019 22:37

I meant my youngest. I quite clearly stated that I fell pregnant by my own fault with my eldest son.
I didn't get pregnant accidentally 3 times? I got pregnant by one of my contraceptions not working, my own fault and by an assault.
Not 'accidentally'

OP posts:

SmartPlay · 31/08/2019 22:48

You got pregnant 4 times, so how did you get pregnant with your 11 months old?

Original poster

22mummy19 · 31/08/2019 22:51

Yeah he starts school, I'm hoping it helps him a lot.
As for seeking help, I've thought about it but with what a random person has said to me on here has petrified me.

OP posts:

Rainatnight · 01/09/2019 07:38

SmartPlay OP’s post initially explaining to you how she got pregnant when she did makes perfect sense to me. Please leave it. Why on earth would you continue to harangue this woman from behind the safety of your computer screen?

Elektra2 · 01/09/2019 09:41

OP you sound like a strong and courageous woman who will make this right, but you do need proper help and support for both you and the children (I'm not sure what Smartplay's problem is but her comments do not reflect well on her).

I have been in the position of being single, having no support and a special needs child (and dealing with the effects of that on my other children). It took years to get to a point where I had adequate support and could feel in control again. It was the hardest time of my life (I'm in my forties now). Don't give up, use the help you're offered and remember things will get better. Thinking of you and your little ones xx

Original poster

22mummy19 · 01/09/2019 13:55

Thank you!
I wrote this after having a really bad couple of days, things usually don't get to me for a few months at a time then I'll have a couple of days where I just feel poo aha,
But today's bounce back day! We've only had one tantrum today over a water bottle😂 everyone's ready for when school/nursery starts!
I know things will get better as time goes on, they're still really young, it'll pass😁xx

OP posts:

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