Smacking.

[bethkate02]

We are at the end of our tether. We have 4 children who have had a pretty well balanced life and have generally been very well behaved in the home and out of the home. Since our eldest turned 10 she as changed and developed a bad attitude which I believe is normal, the back chat become worse and she swore at my husband. My husbands reaction was to ground her for the first two weeks of the summer holidays. After this she went back out with her friends in the street but her attitude didn't improve. We have spoken to her to see if anything's going on. We've tried to ignore it. We've tried to take her phone right up to removing it for 10 days. Nothing is working. My husband as said she needs a ' good smacked backside to shock her'. I just don't know what to do. He says he wouldn't of sit for a week if he had spoken to his parents this way and thinks we are going to create a monster if we don't do something. I'm very undecided.

Would you husband be happy if someone twice his size came along and beat him?

Please read the message again. He didn't say she needs beating. That's a bit different to a couple of swats on the bottom.

I do think some things warrant a smacked bum, if a child does something dangerous for example running out on a road or something similar then a smacked bum would shock them into not being so silly ever again but I'm not sure if this would be the case for your situation. I think it sounds like something is making her behave this way and you need to talk to her to find out what it is. Hope things get better for you soon

I agree with your husband.
Many of us were brought up with a clip round the ear or smack round the back of the legs and continue to love and respect our parents for their choice in discipline.
She's about to hit puberty and in a short time be a small fish in a big pond... prevention is better than cure.

Start smacking a 10 year old? No way. As a pp said she is about to hit puberty and smacking now is setting her up for trouble. It sounds as if there is a power struggle starting between DH and DD and resorting to physical aggression now is likely to get him smacked back in a year or so, or make her run off etc. If he gets really angry then instead of shocking her into good behaviour he could find a social worker on the doorstep. He needs to be the one to stop the fighting back and punishment and temper.

These long drawn out punishments are pointless and work against you - two weeks isolation for swearing is far too much, removing phones is only a sensible consequence if she is mis-using the phone, otherwise it will just seem unfair and make her more angry because kids depend on their phones to keep up their social lives which are getting super-important at this age. Her father cannot keep her a child. Instead, ignore backchat. Angry swearing needs time to walk away and cool off, general swearing needs a small quick consequence, 50p off the pocket money per sweary word will work fine. Ignore minor misbehaviour and backchat, use consequences for more serious bad behaviour and make sure you are both using lots of positive praise and encouragement and rewards for every bit of decent behaviour.

If she is angry and unhappy and negative with you and/or DP then figure out why. If you've never done positive parenting now is the time to start, find a course or there are a gazilion books (How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk by Farber and Mazlish has worked for a lot of people here)

Also it doesn't sound as if she's having a good relationship with you and especially with her father just now and she may actually be feeling very cut off. So the other thing is to make sure she gets some pleasant time alone with her father, doing something they both enjoy, even if it's only every week or two. It's not a treat that she has to earn by good behaviour, just something that happens so they can still maintain a good relationship at least some of the time.

It sounds like your DH is angry and wants an excuse to take his temper out on her.

Smacking will just teach her that he can cause her physical pain if he chooses to and make her feel rejected and resentful. It won't control her or improve her relationship with either of you. She certainly won't suddenly be more respectful.

If he hits her hard enough to hurt, he will leave visible marks and could well end up accounting for himself to the police, social care or both.

Use natural consequences alongside giving her some extra time and attention. A change in behaviour could indicate she is being bullied or struggling with something. Give her opportunities to talk, support her self-esteem and treat her with the respect you would like from her.

Give her reasons to come to you for advice and support, not cause to be frightened of you.

Hi thanks for responses ,

We have lived our full parenthood using positive parenting , I'm a advocate for positive parenting and have always said this is why the children have become so well balanced and their self esteem up to press as been high. They have a very good balance within relationships with myself and my husband and are parts of clubs such as ballet and swimming , we do our best to provide a life that's balanced for them. When the attitude began we tried all our usual tactics such as ignoring behaviours , small consequences , but it didn't work.

As you have stated we should find out if she as something going on, myself and my husband together and separate have both tried to sit and talk to her , we have both taken her out separately to try speak with her , we have had my mum speak with her , we've then left it a few weeks, we've asked school if they've noticed anything and they haven't, she's stil got a good circle of friends and isn't alone in the playground , she's meeting all academic targets and isn't showing any sign of been withdrawn, the same within ballet and she's still eager to attend school ballet and swimming.

We are so confused, since this post she's called my husband a stupid c**t because he said that she needs to come off her phone at the dinner table , she's spat in his face when he removed her from the table , the behaviour as gone out of control. My husbands reason for becoming quite severe in length of grounding etc was to try shock her into realising this isn't ok. She is making every day hard work, I wake up on a morning and prepare their breakfast, I have a smile on my face and I am jolly. She is coming down and been argumentative , rude. I have tried to take the approach of allowing her to do her breakfast and I'll sit at the breakfast bar doing some
Work, her response was ' why isn't my breakfast made you lazy bitch'. We do not swear around our children and are so puzzled as to what's going on.
We monitor their screen time and I am in control of whom she talks to online.
It's just becoming worse and worse.

She sounds hormonal. Could it be that her periods are about to start? This pre adolescence time can be very hard her body will be changing and she will feel very emotional but not understand why. You may think at 10 she is too young but children are developing earlier.
She can't be allowed to swear at you or call you names though. Where has she heard terms like that? If she is not hormonal there must be something driving this behaviour because she sounds very angry I do think you need a long talk with her to find out what is happening. When she and you are calm. Smacking is never going to solve it though.
Good luck.

I'm a great advocate of positive parenting, so long as when you say No, it must be obeyed. There is a tendancy among parents of young children, that they must not smack even if it is best for the child, if this is left until ten, it would definitely be too late. I Never liked grounding either, adults forget the sense of time experienced by children, and grounding is counter productive and can exasberate the problem. You only have two options now discussion, & temporary confiscation of a prized asset.

Society has brainwashed parents into thinking they have failed when they smack a child. Every child is different, and parents need a variety of parenting skills to bring up children. It is simple really, they need love, boundaries, exercise, and something to do. By 5 or 6 years old, they should be doing what they are told, and a joy to be with. It seems by your message, that even now your not being strict enough. Not sure I agree with Timandra, I have got cross with children plenty of times, but not lost my temper, there is a big difference.