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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

At what age do children start to think about others before themselves?

30 replies

cameroonmama · 05/08/2007 22:06

My 5.5yo dd is going through a phase where she seems to only be able to think about what she wants and if her younger brother has something/wants something/does something then she wants it or wants to do it first and trys to manipulate or boss him into letting her do it and getting her own way. There is quite a lot of stropping about, which I gather is quite usual at this age, but at what age can children start to empathise, thinking about putting others first and the consequences of their actions? I also have a 3 month old and she is fabulous with him, very helpful and loving.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fransmom · 05/08/2007 22:13

i'm not sure cm tho i think it differs between children. i hope someone else can help you with your answers

southeastastra · 05/08/2007 22:22

i think some children are much more emphatic to others and will naturally put others first.

i didn't think my ds(6) would be that willing to listen to others until he started playing with his 5 year old cousin alot more, who really has the knack of getting him to listen to her! (thank the lord!)

fransmom · 05/08/2007 22:23

erm, do you mean empathy ?

Doodledootoo · 05/08/2007 22:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster

cameroonmama · 05/08/2007 22:26

yes I think you are both right, my dd has a friend who is very emphatic and dd bosses her around. Needless to say her mother wishes she would stand up to my dd and her younger sister a bit more I guess its just the way my dd is made

OP posts:

Original poster

cameroonmama · 05/08/2007 22:28

oops empathetic, its getting late....

OP posts:

WanderingTrolley · 05/08/2007 22:32

lol Doodle

Some people never learn empathy.

FrannyandZooey · 05/08/2007 22:34

oh bugger was coming on to say I am 35 and still working on this

unknownrebelbang · 05/08/2007 22:35

And I was just going to say some children never learn this skill.

Look around at some of the adults you know.

edam · 05/08/2007 22:35

Ds is just four and I don't see much thinking of others before youself going on with him and his little friends. He had a seven yo friend who was able to do that. So some point between four and seven, I assume.

macmama73 · 05/08/2007 22:39

My DD (5) always gives in and lets her brother (3) have what he wants. She is always thinking about others and feeling for them. I sometimes get annoyed with her for not sticking up for herself, but I think it just goes against her nature.

DS is the complete opposite, never gives in. He hardly ever shares anything, certainly not food anyway. Sometimes he offers food, but only when he has had enough himself.

I think that is just the way they are and not something that can be taught.

ScummyMummy · 05/08/2007 22:40

I think sibling rivalry is a well-known empathy crusher even for adults sometimes. Sounds like she's jostling for position in the sibling hierarchy rather than demonstrating general lack of empathy, maybe?

Original poster

cameroonmama · 05/08/2007 22:45

I think you could be right SM, it could be that she just needs some mummy attention which is in short supply at the moment. The baby is very easy, as is DS1 but combined they take up a lot of time.

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Anna8888 · 06/08/2007 08:33

Have you been teaching your DD to think about others since she was born?

I think it's important to help children understand the idea of sharing, waiting, having a turn, of personal possessions (their own and other people's) and personal space right from the outset. It doesn't come naturally to many people

Bluestocking · 06/08/2007 08:47

I think you only have to read the threads about DPs/DHs to realise that for some people, this never happens!

peanutbear · 06/08/2007 08:51

boys later on in life I think to have empathy with people

girls maybe 11 / 12

Original poster

cameroonmama · 06/08/2007 13:40

Anna, of course I have been trying to teach her how to think of others and how to share since the moment she could understand, I think most mothers do, naturally.

I guess some are just better at it than others.

Maybe I am not so good at it and have been setting the wrong example

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 06/08/2007 13:44

cameroonmama - sorry, I didn't mean to sound disparaging/insulting

However, I have this issue with my stepsons, especially the older one - who definitely hasn't been brought up to think of others. In fact, it is quite hard for me when I am with my partner's family (parents, children etc) because I am forever explaining to my daughter how to be aware of others' feelings, and I get laughed at/ridiculed for doing so... so no, not every mother does this

Bluestocking · 06/08/2007 13:45

Good lord, Anna, you must have the patience of a saint! I bet your stepsons are going to make SUPERB husbands ...

littlelapininhercar · 06/08/2007 13:46

LOL, I was going to say, there's definitely some posters on MN who have never got to this point!

Desiderata · 06/08/2007 13:48

Yes, I think during childhood this can vary greatly. My ds is only two, but his personality is certainly such that he will consistently put others before himself ... sharing his food, asking if people are alright, letting other children go ahead of him at the playground, etc.

No doubt this trait will go up and down over the years ... it could even disappear altogether!

And he doesn't have siblings, which makes a huge difference, I suspect.

WanderingTrolley · 06/08/2007 13:51

I think children take a long while to understand about other people's feelings etc.; often there's little point in teaching some things from the moment they're born. If you try to teach sharing to a toddler whose brain is too immature to grasp the concept, you'll end up with an upset child.

I see from your profile your son is 3 - for a long time, there must have been a huge difference in their abilities, making your dd seem grown up and in charge. Now he's 3 and able to do much more for himself, she must see that the gap between them is smaller, especially compared to the baby. She might just be trying to assert her seniority over him. Your three month old has yet to encroach on her world - the baby doesn't want to play with her toys, or touch her stuff, and she can see the big difference between herself and the baby.

Also, it's the summer holidays and she's probably just seeing much more of her brother. I'm assuming she's usually at school full time. Familiarity does breed contempt amongst siblings this time of year!

She's not inconsiderate or selfish, nor are you doing a bad job of teaching her to share and so on. You said it yourself in the first sentence of your OP: it's a phase. She will grow out of it, it's just wearing while she's going through it.

Good luck.

Bluestocking · 06/08/2007 14:29

Lorayn · 06/08/2007 14:43

Bluestocking, this really is beyond childish, going round talking about me in threads I'm not even a part of???

There is only one word that comes to mind to describe you.

Pathetic.

ThePedantifier · 06/08/2007 16:50

"in threads I'm not even a part of"

"on threads of which I am not even a part"

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