How to discipline out of control 4yo

[Sonny23]

At my wits end

4yo ds has become increasingly naughty and does not listen to a thing I say. Today I have had to go to an appointment, it was humiliating and I don't know how to discipline him because he just laughs in my face or lashes out trying to hit me.

When he was aged 3 hv wanted to have him assessed for autism, when I moved the new hv team wanted him assessed for adhd, then changed their minds.

If I tell him off he laughs. I've tried the naughty step, he says he enjoys it, I've tried taking away toys, he's not bothered. I don't know what to do anymore all the time his behaviour is becoming worse. He becomes aggressive when he gets himself worked up and I worry about taking him out anywhere now.

Any advice on how I should be dealing with this?

What made the HVs want him assessed for autism/ADHD? Does he have any other signs?

I would ask for a different HV or GP to refer you for a proper assessment.

When they visited they said that because he was so hyperactive and aggressive (throwing toys/jumping on hv) they would assess him, when I moved the next health visitor said they think it may be adhd instead of autism, then another person came out from the hv team to help with sleep issues and she said she thinks it's just normal behaviour for a 4yo. He was relatively calm that appointment but did keep calling her fat

Have you tried positive reinforcement. So trying to concentrate more on what he is doing well. Lots of praise / well dones little and often. We have just started a reward chart for my 5 year old which I ordered from amazon and he's really engaged well with it, also he's at an age now where he can start to understand the impact of his actions. So if he dies something wrong try talking about how it might make them feel etc

At this age it's easier for a HV to see that something is unusual than it is for them to know what the problem is. If your DS is assessed then the chances are he'll be assessed for all the usual suspects, including ASC and ADD.

It may not seem like it, but in such a young child laughing in your face and lashing out are signs of distress. Your DS may simply be upset because you are angry with him and he can't cope with that, or there may be more to it. Sometimes children laugh just because they want things to be OK, and some children with ASCs may use inappropriate facial expressions anyway. Punishment-based approaches don't work very well unless they backed up by a ton of positive strategies (and sometimes they don't work anyway).

Since it's still getting worse, go back to the GP or HV, tell them about how your DS is behaving, and see if you can get that referral. Also try going to a positive parenting group - your GP or HV may point you at one locally. I went through something like this and the positive parenting group gave me more effective ways to manage than just consequences alone (though we went through how to do effective consequences as well.)

In the meantime, try to focus on keeping things calm and friendly at home. Avoid situations that you know are likely to be flashpoints - bear in mind that sometimes things like going out that we imagine are fun are too demanding or quite stressful for some young children. And if he does blow up try not to worry about it being embarrassing, parents who have been there will get it and those who haven't been there have no clue and it doesn't matter what they think.