Advice on very independent 10 month old please

[AllesAusLiebe]

Hi everyone,

Long story so I'll try and keep it brief!

I had (and still have, I think) postnatal depression since the birth of my son 10 months ago. Consequently, I've relied upon lots of help to care for him. I've been in a really bad place for much of his life and whilst I do the majority of general care and do play with him a lot, to be honest he's just not that interested. I'm now wondering whether those first important few months of his life were impacted by my Pnd.

It's pretty heartbreaking that I don't feel we have a close relationship. Am I overthinking this? I'm happy that he's independent and likes going off on his own, crawling around the house, but he really isn't bothered if I'm around or not. Sometimes when I initiate play, he goes off in the opposite direction! He's not interested when I try and talk to him and show him things either.

Is this pretty normal? Anyone else had similar? Also does anyone know of anything I can do to help improve our relationship? Resources etc?

Thanks so much in advance. xx

I'm sorry that you had a rough start to motherhood, have you had any help for PND, especially if you feel like you're still experiencing it? It's very common, a lot of people have it and later go on to bond well with their babies. You'll get there.

My nearly 10 month old loves doing his own thing, he's quite happy crawling about and getting into things (especially if I don't want him to get into them!). However, he's starting to get separation anxiety and will cry when he's first put down (although gets over it pretty quickly), which is definitely worse in the 'witching hour'.

Mine plays best with me in the playpen, when he can't crawl around as much. I only keep 10 toys in there and change them around a lot to keep him interested. The best toys to play with him are blocks, stacking cups and pull along toys. I sing a lot to him as well, always have. Plus games like peek-a-boo or physical games like turning him upside down, tickling him, 5 little piggies, heads shoulders knees and toes. He also loves me doing bicep curls with him, for some reason (hopefully I'll get guns like steel!). Going to classes does help to give an idea of the stuff he enjoys and games to play with him, I think it has helped us bond.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, trying to play with him and talk to him. What will count is that you're always there for him - sometimes I think that he's not bothered that I'm about because I'm always about, just 'boring mummy'.

My DS was exactly the same. I used to (half) joke that it didn’t matter if I was here or not. I imagined (before having him) sitting down and reading books to him, cuddles etc. Not a chance!

When I first took him to nursery at 1 year he screamed the place down and I was quite surprised he was upset.

So what you are describing isn’t that unusual I don’t think. All kids are different and you’ll see ways he shows he loves you, just not necessarily the ones you expect. I’ve yet to get a proper hug from my 2 year old, but he does show me love in other ways. He’s very independent and I try to remind myself of the good things in that (he wakes up and amuses himself for ages letting me sleep in!)

One thing I would try and keep an eye on, is if you are still depressed. If you are, you’re likely to see things through more of a distorted lense, eg thinking things are worse than they actually are and seeing issues where perhaps there are none. I’m a big one for being over negative about everything when I’m down. You don’t want to go down that spiral of thinking my baby doesn’t love me etc,

Could you talk to a HV - I find they are great because they’ve seen so many babies and children they have a real sense of what is within the realms of normal / the usual and just temperament / personality differences.

I hope you start to feel more positive and better soon x

I would echo the pp comments, it's not personal he's just finding he can be separate from you.

Try activities where you can focus together, like go to the park, go on ' adventures ' and teach him about what you see like the trees, cars. Go on little trips to a play farm so you enjoy some quality time together.

I've found whenever I've tried to set up an activity, DS isn't interested but if I join what's taken his interest he love it. E.g. if he's crawling to other side of room, crawl too notice what he's noticing, put some words to it. You could try setting a couple of activities up he can crawl to like saucepan from the kitchen with spoons.. or bricks etc. I also found DS loved non toys best.. I collected random things from around the house and put in a box, which he loved like a hat, scarf, loofa, golf ball.. any old thing!

Don't beat yourself up about the pnd, yes it's affected you both but doesn't need to forever, try and feel happier with some of your play/ time spent together.. you'll find gradually you'll enjoy it and feel you are becoming closer.

My DD was exactly the same at this age - I couldn’t even get her to cuddle me! At playgroups or classes I never saw her for dust. The main thing she did like was me reading to her - not interested in anything else.

She’s 2.3 now and going through a very clingy stage - I can’t even leave the room! She’s very snuggly now and is a real ‘mummy’s girl’.